Justin Ryker Swick

Justin Ryker Swick

Monday, July 8, 2013

A Baby After SIDS

I've noticed on a lot of blogs that mother's stop writing after they have a baby; after they have had a baby pass away due to "SIDS".  I swore I would not be one of those mothers; that I would keep writing, because I wanted to know.  I wanted to know what it was like; but here I am; and I stopped writing  blogs after Hannah was born.  Life got busy! Life with three kids is not like life with two, so this blog is about life after "losing" a child.

I hate saying that I "lost" a child.  I did NOT "lose" a child.  I know where Justin is; Justin is with his Maker, Justin is with us, Justin is here. Just because I cannot hold him, feel him, watch him, does not mean that he is not here or a part of our family; he is, and always will be.  Life after Justin, however, is different.  Life after having a baby pass away is different! It is hard, it is joyful, it is life; it just is.  Life goes on; one way or another God makes life keep moving forward. 

Hannah is amazing.  She is bright-eyed, she is beautiful.  I see Justin in her; I see Jesus through her eyes.  She is wonderful.  Life after "SIDS" is scary.  You don't sleep. You worry about everything! You are always on your toes!  And with three little ones life is always, always, on the go! It's new jobs, it's a new house, it's a new baby, it's a new life, it's everything!!! And I wouldn't give her up for the world!!!

I have learned a lot of new things with Hannah; like you don't have to take a baby to the doctor if they are not sick.  You do not need vaccines; they are useless and dangerous, and YOU ABSOLUTELY, BEYOND ANYTHING ELSE, HAVE TO, HAVE TO, DO YOUR RESEARCH!!! If your child passed away due to "SIDS" or "SUID" go back and look at when they got their vaccines!! DO IT! 

Life after SIDS is hard, but it is amazing! I LOVE everything about every one of my children!  I am more informed about what I feed them, what I do to them, how I live my life with them.  Do not be scared of having another baby, it is a whole new world; an amazing life you never knew possible.  Hannah is absolutely, without a doubt, worth every heartache I have ever been dealt.

Monday, July 1, 2013

Guide to Parenting

I went to bed last night with a heavy heart.  After seeing some posts from a few friends on Facebook about how sick their little ones have been since vaccinating I want to just scream through the screen! "Please, please listen to me!  Don't let this happen to them!" I wish someone would have done that to me.

 I don't generally blame myself for what happened to Justin, but last night all I could think of were the "what ifs" what if I HAD done my research before hand, what if I hadn't taken him to the doctor that day and held him while the nurses jabbed a bunch of needles into him at the same time so "it wouldn't hurt as bad." What if I had listened to Riley when he told the doctor that the reason Justin wouldn't smile at him was because "he doesn't like you." I know that that is not a healthy way of thinking, but sometimes it just sneaks up on you.  I watched a VERY informative movie last night, that I encourage EVERYONE to watch!  It is called the Greater Good. 


 I know it was all part of God's plan, and I KNOW I have a healthy, happy, poison free daughter because of all of this.

Jeremiah 29:11

New International Version (NIV)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

 I don't mean to question His plan, and I don't think I am, more so I was questioning my own parenting.  Sometimes, like most parents, I wish there was a Guide to Parenting Handbook; you know one that tells you what to do, including:

When you get a puppy make sure your 3 year old knows that the washing machine ISN'T for cleaning dirty puppies.
That plastic screwdrivers can and do cut through screens on windows and toddlers can and will climb out on the roof if left alone to clean their rooms for 15 minutes. 
Make sure you research anything and everything you inject into an infant or child.

Just to name a few.

I know that some of my friends think that I am pushy about vaccines, and I don't mean to be.  I really, really, just don't want to see another parent go through what we have.  I don't want another parent to go to bed with a heavy heart reliving the day they took their baby to the doctor, the day their child wouldn't stop screaming, the last time they got to snuggle with their baby, or the morning they found their child had gone to Heaven. 

I have realized that between May and August I struggle a LOT more than I think.  One night while laying in bed, for the 4th night in a row not able to sleep and waking up every hour, that I in fact am scared of the dark.  I am not scared of the monster under my bed or the boogie man in my closet, I'm not scared of ghosts or things that go bump in the night; I am scared of nighttime itself.  What happens when I'm not awake, what happens in the still of the night, what happens when I let my guard down for a minute; because one night, I did just that; and one night something awful happened.  And because of that one night, our world changed forever; we changed forever.  I don't think a day goes by that I don't think about that awful morning, or the snuggles the night before. 

So all you parents out there, please don't think I am being pushy; please, please, don't have an awful morning due to lack of knowledge. 

I found this song today after looking through some of the old comments, thank you Jamie for this!!! Here are the lyrics:

What is it like to be held in the same arms that hold the universe?

What is it like to sleep on the chest of the King of Heaven and Earth?

When you open your eyes and look on the face of the giver of life, the author of grace... Do you know?

That your days here changed everything. You're missed here and will always be. But you left here, the greatest gift of all. Cause our hearts ache for home...

What is it like to breathe in and breath out, Heavens glorious life? What is it like to be robed in perfection, no reason to cry?

When you feel on your face your fathers kiss, His welcome embrace we prayed for this.

You should know...

That your days here changed everything.
Your missed here and will always be
But you left here. The greatest gift of all.
Cause our hearts ache for home...

So twinkle twinkle little star
We will keep you in our hearts
Twinkle twinkle little star
we will meet you where you are...

Your days here changed everything. Your missed here and will always be.
But you left here... The greatest gift of all...

Cause our hearts ache....

For Home....

Monday, April 29, 2013

Beautiful...even in shambles

My 10 year high school reunion is coming up; I know I don't look a day over 18 right!? ;)  With that; lets reflect on the last 10 years... oh boy!  If you were to tell me at 17 that I would have to endure the heartbreak of losing a child, the martial issues Ryan and I have had, or that at one point I was so depressed that I took pills to just let "whatever happen, happen".  I can't say as I would be here right now.

 But, tell me that I would have a child in heaven watching over my two amazing, curious, clever, creative little boys to love here on earth, and a beautiful, smart, adorable, little princess, with a husband that sees me through it all; that would have made it all better.  Tell me that I would have any sort of relationship with my father, but a GREAT one at that; I might not have believed you. ;) 

I have a beautiful house, on the outside, on the inside, however, it is in shambles.  The entire house is torn apart.  We are painting, we are adding on to stairs, we are moving a kitchen from one room to another, we are making one room into two rooms and a bathroom, a kitchen into a den, a den into a living room, a living room into a bedroom...the list goes on and on, and if you were to step foot into our house right now you would think we are in way over our heads, (we are!)  :)  But much like my life; my house is in shambles to make it just that much more beautiful.  The house was beautiful to begin with, once we make it a mess, screw everything up, and put it back together it is going to be glorious!! That is what Jesus is doing with me; I am sure. 

My life was okay; then it was in shambles; and He took me to make me, mold me, to transform me; and while the process was, (and remains to be, sometimes) brutal, I can't wait to see the finished product.  He took a life to make it wonderful.  My life right now is wonderful; while my house is in shambles I can envision what it will be when we are (finally) done.  I couldn't see that when He was transforming me; but I'm glad He could. 

Life after losing a child is awful, and yet beautiful.  You will never hear me say those words together in a sentence again; but I have to say, that because Justin passed away, I cherish everyday with the blessings that only Jesus could give me.  I look at my children, and even if I am having an awful day, they do something clever, awesome, and beautiful; or my husband does something incredible; just out of the movies amazing.  I look at Hannah, and realize what a blessing she is; I see Jesus through her bright, tiny eyes.  I see His wonder, His glory, His work; I see Him.  I see Him in my children, I see Him when my husband brings home flowers for no reason; I see Him when my dad comes to work on my house.  Jesus surrounds me; He completes everything.  Nothing is done, and yet He is making everything glorious even in the shambles. 

I continue to be so amazed with God's work in me and my family; everyday it is something new, everyday is BEAUTIFUL! And for that I thank you Lord Jesus for making life beautiful even in shambles. 

Jeremiah 29:11

New International Version (NIV)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

New Blessings

I am so sorry, I have been meaning to write a blog for so long! I will be honest part of me wanted to post about our newest little blessing but fear always stopped me.  I was worried that as soon as I posted about how proud I am of her and how thankful I am that God gave me her, she would be taken as soon as I rejoiced about it.  Although, I understand that no matter how much I worry; God has a plan for her, whether it is here on earth or in Heaven, He has a plan.  I just pray, (hourly), that that plan means I get to keep her with me here on earth.  So I will start by telling you about our newest little blessing here on earth.  Hannah Grace Swick was born January 4, 2013 at 2:45AM 6lbs 10oz, (our biggest baby yet).  I will also tell you she is FULLY UNVACCINATED!!!!!!!! She didn't get the goop in her eyes, she didn't get her Hep. B shot at birth (I do not, nor have I ever done drugs, or used needles for that matter, or would there be any reason that I would have Hep. B)  they also test the mother's for that during pregnancy so there would be no reason for Hannah to have Hep. B or be treated for it.  If you are a new mother.....RESEARCH IT! If there is no reason for your child to be infected with Hep. B, do not get them the shot. It is pointless!  It is unneccessary.  Okay...I'm off my soapbox about the Hep B. or the "goop" they put in their eyes, which is contracted if the mother has gonorrhea (once again, not a concern of mine). 

Hannah is one of the most beautiful little girls I have ever laid eyes on.  She truly is a blessing; so sweet, so perfect, so sent from above.  She is ever mother's dream.  She is bright eyed, she is adorable, she is happy.  She is ten weeks old, she smiles and coos, and makes every day bright!  She really is everything I have ever hoped for; BUT with that I have to be absolutely honest.  It is TERRIFYING to have another baby after having a baby accepted into heaven so prematurely for my liking.  Hannah has slept through the night.  In fact last night, she slept for 6 1/2 hours.  Me on the other hand, slept for an hour at a time when I finally decided to just wake her up at 5:40AM.  Every hour I was awake, I was touching her making sure she was breathing.  I am consumed with fear.  I hate to admit that especially outloud.  I feel as though I might jinx myself.  In Justin's Jesus I professed that I had quite frequently told people, "If God were to take one of my children He might as well take me too,"  If I said that then and laid my fears out for everyone (including the devil to know/hear), what makes this worry any different?  Does the devil hear my fears also?  If I say them outloud does that make me more susceptible?  Does that mean that when I voice my fears the devil hears them and acts on them?  I don't know.   That's why I pray silently about my fears and worries.  However, I have come to the point in my life, and in Hannah's, that I realize I just cannot be that overcome.  I don't sleep, I over think, I make myself sick with worry; and it does no good for anybody.  I try to give up my fears, but like I have said before that is easier said than done. 

I am working on it.  I am so very very thankful for this new little blessing; and I ADORE AND CHERISH every moment I have with this beautiful little girl.  She is amazing!!!!

On to the next part....

Heaven's new blessing.  My grandmother had been suffering from dementia for the last 3 years.  We were planning on going down to see her to get a four generation picture; then life got in the way.  You know how it goes, especially in the winter; cold and flu season hits, you have newborn, your other kids are sick, the weather is awful, or you have family drama in the meantime.  Excuses, excuses.  We had finally set up a time to get down there; this weekend in fact, then I got a call: Granmda had fallen, (one week before our planned visit), she had broken her hip in 3 places, we might want to get down, as she was scheduled for surgery the next day and her 89 lb body just might not be able to take on that trauma.  We left after Ryan got home from work the night she fell.  We made it to Missouri at 1:30AM and decided it best not to just drive on to the hospital because grandma was already asleep.  We found out later her surgery was scheduled for 7:30 the next morning.  We got a call, said she made it through surgery just fine, but they just weren't sure she was going to be able to handle it, and she had about 15 minutes once they took out her oxygen source, and seeing as how we were still an hour and a half from the hospital, we might as well not come.  We were not going to get our picture, and grandma would never be able to meet her newest great granddaughter.  My little sister and I decided we were going to try anyway.  She wasn't quite "gone" yet and we would drive as far as we could until we got the call.  We later got a call saying that "grandma was holding on longer than they thought we should try to make it"  of course we were already planning on that and Hannah was in her carseat ready to go.  We got in the car, got gas, and went on our way; a little too distraught and too much in a hurry; we got on the interstate; my sister, my daughter, and myself.  I was driving.  I went to go pass a car; my mind on too many other things, and I didn't see a car in my blindspot.  I got scared, over corrected, and swerved....ALL OVER THE INTERSTATE! We finally came to a stop, in the ditch, facing on coming traffic, with the driver in a panic.  I about killed my daughter, my sister, and myself.  One thing different, if there had been a car behind us, a semi beside us, a deeper ditch; or a revean, we would have been gone; but we weren't.  My little sister, the whole 125 lbs that she is, pushed us out, drove us out, and within 5 minutes we were back on our way.  We sure had some pretty amazing angels watching over us that day.  Grandma sent them I'm sure.  We made it to the hospital, me a little more frantic than I was when we left; and Grandma was able to hold Hannah exactly 30 minutes before she took her last breath.  Heaven sure received their own little blessing that day. 

So while I am so thankful for my blessing, and missing the blessing received into heaven; I am still so amazed at all the work God does in people's lives that He shares with us.  Grandma I love you, you have been such an outstanding part of my life and I love you so much. Hannah, every day I am thankful for each breath you take, each smile you share with us, and each and everything about you.  Thank you Lord!!!