A Time to be Silent

Today we will be celebrating Rowen's 1st birthday!  It is definitely a time to be joyous.  I am not mourning that we didn't get this with Justin, like I would have a few years ago.  I am not at that point in my life anymore.  Don't get me wrong, I miss that little boy terribly, everyday.  I do miss that we didn't get to do everything with him that we wanted to do, or celebrate with him physically special days, like his first birthday; but today I am not sad.  I have not completed my journey, and will not do that until I take my last breath on earth and my first breath of heavenly air. 

However,  this is the end of my journey with the Justin's Jesus blog, and I want to thank all of you!  In the six years I have been pouring my heart out to you, I have been happy, sad, angry, helpful, and yes, even though it hurts to admit, I have also been hateful at times; and for that I am sorry.  The saying "hurting people, hurt people" is one of the truest statements I have ever heard, (and lived). 

You guys have gone through so many "seasons" with me.  Some of you stayed, some of you left, some I have help, some I have hurt.  I am so thankful for each and every one of you whether you were a "blessin' or a lesson". Each one of you were placed in my path for reason, I truly believe that, and appreciate how God has used you in my life.  Thank you for your help and your patience with me as I am sure you have all helped me more than I could ever help you. 

Thank you to those of you who sat with us at the hospital.
Those that prayed from a distance and those that held our hands and prayed.
Those that shared in our happy moments; the day we found out we were expecting again, the day we had Hannah, and the day we had Rowen. 
Thank you for all of your silent prayers, those I don't even know were ever said. 
Thank you for the ones who cried with us and those who cried for us. 
Thank you ALL for just being a sounding board.  For listening to me sometimes be a lunatic, via blogger, and not always bringing it to my attention.  ;)

Thank you for you grace. 

The Bible says there is a season for everything; and I believe that with my whole heart; quite a few of them I have lived out loud on Justin's Jesus blog.  It's time for me to go on to another season.  It's a time for me to be silent, and with that I am posting my very last post.  

Thank you all again, and thank you so much, Lord Jesus, for carrying me through, and continuing to carry me every day of my life.  I would be nothing without you, and I am so thankful for a merciful and graceful Savior who knows I need a little saving everyday.  Lord thank you, for the people you have placed in my life, both on the blog and outside of it.  Thank you for the blessin's and lessons.  Please be with me in this next season.  I love you, Lord Jesus.  Amen

And with that.....May God be with you in whatever season of life you are in right now!

 




Ecclesiastes 3New International Version (NIV)

A Time for Everything

3 There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

²     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
⁶     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

⁹ What do workers gain from their toil? ¹⁰ I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. ¹¹ He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet^[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. ¹² I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. ¹³ That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. ¹⁴ I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him.

¹⁵ Whatever is has already been,
    and what will be has been before;
    and God will call the past to account.^[b]

¹⁶ And I saw something else under the sun:

In the place of judgment—wickedness was there,
    in the place of justice—wickedness was there.

¹⁷ I said to myself,

“God will bring into judgment
    both the righteous and the wicked,
for there will be a time for every activity,
    a time to judge every deed.”

¹⁸ I also said to myself, “As for humans, God tests them so that they may see that they are like the animals. ¹⁹ Surely the fate of human beings is like that of the animals; the same fate awaits them both: As one dies, so dies the other. All have the same breath^[c]; humans have no advantage over animals. Everything is meaningless. ²⁰ All go to the same place; all come from dust, and to dust all return. ²¹ Who knows if the human spirit rises upward and if the spirit of the animal goes down into the earth?”

²² So I saw that there is nothing better for a person than to enjoy their work, because that is their lot. For who can bring them to see what will happen after them?

Happy 5th Birthday, buddy! See you when I get home.

Every year it seems Justin's birthday gets a little easier, a few less tears each time. His second better than first, third better than second and so on, so I naturally thought, "I've got this" this time. As it turns out, though, five is pretty tough.

 I'm not sure if it's just pregnancy hormones, the fact that it landed on a Saturday, maybe because it snuck up on me, or possibly it could just be that five is tough.

I noticed Ryan was quieter than usual today too, so I'm guessing, five is hard all around. Generally we are able to talk freely about Justin, today I  think it was just easier to not mention his birthday or even speak his name.

  This morning when I woke up my first thought was, "We would be getting ready for a party". Today I would be blowing up balloons, setting up the table, wrapping the last minute gift, and having Ryan run to the store at least twice to get things I've forgotten. Right now we would be in a hustle and I would frantic but it would all be fun and worth it to see him blow out his candles and open his gifts. 

The 5th birthday is such a big deal in a little one's life. It's that first taste of independence, when you really feel like a big kid. This year you get to start big kid school, this year you go to kindergarten. This year we would be registering Justin for kindergarten and Hannah for preschool and life would be crazy and beautiful; but we're not. 

We aren't wrapping gifts and waiting for company to arrive, I'm not in disbelief that "my baby is starting kindergarten", we aren't rushing around to get forms filled out and appointments scheduled for registration, and that's okay, it really is. While this birthday is harder than last I cling to the promise that the Lord has plans for me, that the Lord had plans for Justin and they came to pass.

Death Strikes Twice

I heard the most heart breaking news today. A family, who just a few months ago laid their baby girl to rest due to stillbirth, (I believe), just had to say goodbye to their 2 year old as well in a very, very tragic accident.

 I cannot even begin, or want, to imagine, what this family is going through. I have prayed for them all day, and yet my prayers keep coming up short and empty handed.

I don't know how to pray for them.
I pray for peace and healing of course, and I know that God is big enough, and great enough, to supply all their needs, even emotionally; but my small human brain can't fathom peace after that much heartache. I know it will happen for them, because God IS great.

I am so glad He doesn't have a small mind like me.

As I was reading our devotional with the boys tonight it told us to dream our biggest dream and even that doesn't compare to the dream God has in store for us.  I hope this family can continue to dream and God shows off in a mighty way.

As a bereaved parent it is sometimes hard for me not to give into fear after hearing stories like this. I keep having to remind myself of three things.

One, fear does not come from the Lord. (Period) and I cannot allow it to consume me and steal my joy. When I succumb to nasty feelings, only put in my mind by the devil himself, I miss out on so much. I am not able to cherish sweet times with my kids like learning how to draw smily faces, and nighttime devotionals, songs, prayers, and giggles.

The only thing to fear is fear itself rings true. I instantly have to stop what I'm doing and pray that the Lord will take away those evil thoughts and feelings that oh so quilky sneak up without me even realizing. I refuse to live in fear, and I pray that I am, through Him, able to overcome.

Two, it's all in His hands. EVERYTHING, every life, every breath, every death. He has control of the situation even when we feel like the world is spinning out of control and we are losing everything. His plan is not only good, it is great, even if we can't comprehend HOW it can even be okay at times.

I trust Him. I trust that everything works according to His precious design for each and everyone of our lives.

Three, we belong to Him, all of us, including our children. This is such a hard concept to wrap our heads around sometimes, but our children are only ever lent to us. They were knit together, (by Him) in their mothers womb. They belong to him first and foremost and while NO ONE wants to give them back, sometimes that is the plan, as heart crushing as it is. I have peace in knowing that I will spend eternity with my Lord and Savior and with my children, may they not stray, and when I do, this life on earth will seem as short as a second, a blurp on a screen.

In the meantime, I am asking every prayer warrior out there, please, to start a prayer chain. Please raise this family up. Pray that they do not turn from Him in these tragic days, pray for peace, comfort, and healing. Let us lift this family up so far they feel Jesus carrying them.
 /http://lemmonythings.com/2014/01/05/god-will-give-you-more-than-you-can-handle-i-guarantee-it/

Just a Jake Day

I realized today just how far we have put Jacob in the middle child shadow.  Today he made a mistake; a big mistake.  He acted out on nerves, fear, and emotion, and chose poorly.  He got in trouble, BIG trouble.  I realize tonight though, as I can't sleep how much of that really falls back on me as a parent.  Jacob gets lumped in with Riley so much that we forget he is almost 2 years younger.  He is the same height they are two of a kind...but they aren't.  They are two different kids, yet we expect him to be just as responsible as his brother, to make rational decisions that he's not even developmentally capable of making at this age.  He also requires more attention than we give him.  With having a VERY demanding little sister, Jacob's needs sometimes are (unintentionally) put on the back burner.  I forget that he's only 6, and a young 6.  He's not 7 going on 8 in a few short months, he is ONLY 6.  There are two things that came to mind today.  

The first being that I need to stop thinking of the boys as "twins" and see them as who they are individually.  I cannot expect a six year to react in the same ways an eight year old would.  Riley and Jacob are two totally different boys, don't get me wrong they are the same in a lot of ways, but there are so many things that make them their own person.  Jacob is my lovey, snuggly guy that craves attention, once again attention that we don't adequately give him.  He had every reason to make the choice he made today, even though it was a dangerous one.  I expected too much from him.  I expected him to make 8 year old choices.  I am not saying that he did not need to learn a lesson for this, or that I should not have scolded him for it.  He needed to be. He needed a quick lesson on the fact that you need to calm down before you make a choice that could end terribly; (thankfully it didn't, this time).  And I'm pretty sure he learned his lesson. 

The second thing that has me up thinking about this tonight is something Jacob said.  After we had all calmed down, I told Jacob of course that we love him, we just need him to be sure of choices before he makes....on and on...you know the whole parent, "you need to learn your lesson" bit; and Jacob asked, "Mom, can we not tell the whole family about this?"  I'm honestly not sure why it is a big deal, but I made the promise that I would not tell the "whole family".  Which is why I am not putting exactly what he did in this post.  It wasn't something crazy, just a wrong choice.  That got me thinking though, how often do I ask God that same question. 

How often do I make really stupid choices based on nerves, fear, and emotion, then come to my senses and BEG God not to let the world find out about my faults or irrational thinking?  How often do I plead that He not show the whole world that I just fell flat on my face, or ask that I don't fall flat even though my choices could very easily cause me to do just that? How often, do I really think like a 6 year old.  Too many for being 30! At the same time, what an awesome, amazing, grace-filled, merciful God I serve that so many times He has done just what I did with Jacob.  "Yes child, you messed up.  Yes there are consequences, but I will cover you with my feathers.  Learn from this, get back up, make better choices, and yes, child, I still love you!"  How many times has he brushed off my knees and not let the world see that have fallen, and I am so so thankful for that!!!  I love that he loves me even more than I love my children, and that he loves my children even more than I do, even though it seems impossible to me. 

 A little about my little guy....I really am so blessed to be this boy's mommy.  He is spunky and quick witted.  He has more facial expressions than anybody out there.  He makes us laugh every day!

  He has charm and an attitude.  He melts my heart every night when he says his prayers, sings (belts out) his praises to Jesus and lets me hear him sing "God Speed" just one more time.  He makes me proud as we walk into church and he is in his Sunday best; suit and tie, the whole nine yards, because he has dressed himself again for church.  This little boy who wants to be a cop and a rock star.  The same silly boy that still believes he has night vision; so much in fact that he has Riley praying at night that Jesus would give him night vision like Jacob.  I hope I remember to let him be little, even when there are lessons to be learned.    He really is such a pride and joy.  I just love that boy!!!

I think this week Jacob and I are going to have a Mommy-Jake day.  Just me and my precious 6 year old.  A day where he doesn't have to share my lap with Hannah, where he doesn't have to do what Riley wants him to do.  A day he doesn't have to share all his toys with Hannah and move out of a chair because it is HER CHAIR and she demands no one else sits in it.  Just a Jake day.  I so badly want to go wake him up and snuggle with him, and ask him just what he wants to do on a day just to himself.  I know how excited he is going to be!  Of course I won't, it's late, way late, and he has had a hard day, but I know tomorrow the first thing I am going to do is snuggle that sweet, yet oh so ornery, little strawberry blonde boy, and plan a very fun Jake day!  I may actually be even more excited than him!! :)  

It seems this lady must have had the same kind of day, she just says it more eloquently, than I did.  If you get a chance click on the link below.  :)
http://www.whenathome.com/did-i-love-you-enough-today/ 

Help Me, Lord

I have been trying to write this blog for a few days. I even had one almost written then deleted it because it just wasn't going where I wanted it to. I kept allowing my own thoughts and emotions get in the way of what God was wanting me to hear, and I knew it, I just couldn't seem to get over myself enough to listen to what he was wanting me to hear.  I prayed a lot, I got impatient, even angry.  A lot of times I have to write in order to get my own thoughts straight, otherwise my mind wanders and I get lost trying decipher through my own thoughts, and I end up getting no where And learning nothing. I become more impatient trying to figure things out on my own.

The other day I found a book I had bought a few years ago and never got the chance to read. It is a Max Lucado book titled A Love Worth Giving.  It was just what I needed to get over myself. My feelings of despair, rejections, failure, and disgrace.

I was still not sure how to put all of my thoughts into writing so I prayed. My prayers were still a jumbled mess and left me getting sidetracked and distracted by other things, so instead I sat down and wrote my prayer. I really believe that was the Lord, bringing me back to him.  Just me and him, keeping me focused on what exactly I was needing to talk to him about. 

In Max's book he shares a story about a 6 year old girl who received a strand of pearls from her dad who frequently went on long business trips, they were fake of course, but none the less she adored these pearls.  Her dad came home  after a week in the Orient and as he tucked her into bed he asked her if she loved him more than anything, to which she obviously replied that she did.  He goes on to ask her if she loves him more than her pearls, and if so to give them to him.  The little girl does not want to let her pearls go, and tells him so.  He tells her that he understands and the little girl goes to bed.  The next night, however, she brings the strand of pearls to her daddy and tells him that he can have them, because she loves him more than the pearls.  After she has given him the strand of imitation pearls, he pulls out a box of beautiful genuine pearls for her. 

The point of this story is to make ourselves question what we are holding on to and not giving to God.  What imitation are we settling for because we are too "attached" to let it go.  What blessings, genuine blessings, are we missing because we are not allowing God to give them to us. 

This got me thinking....all night.  I know that there are things I need to do differently, ideas in my head that I need to let go of.  I have been struggling with where I expected my life to be 30.  It does not bother me to turn thirty next month; not in the way that you would think.  What bother's me about this birthday is what is going on in my life right now.  I foolishly expected my life to be like that in the movies, or even the life that some of my thirty year old friends have.  You know the one.  The family friendly house, with a picket fence, a dog in the yard, jobs we love, in a nice little friendly Mayberry town.  Okay, even I didn't have that high of expectations, but I did expect stability in life by now.  I did not expect to be moving every two years, or renting (ugh), or not knowing where we are going to be in month, what the house will even look like, if we have to get rid of the family pets because the landlord doesn't allow them.  I wasn't expecting this. Jealousy started rearing it's ugly head. I see my friends in lives that I thought I would have and we are just not there yet, do you hear the pity party I was in again?  Max explains how jealousy is like a spark in a house.  If something sparks in your house, what do you do?  You immediately put it out, make sure that there is no way it could start a fire, because if it does it could destroy your entire house.  That's what happens when you allow jealousy in your heart even for a moment, without stomping it out.  It festers, it consumes you, it consumes your thoughts, and steals your joy.  Jealousy is awful. 

This book is based on 1 Corinthians 13.  Love is patient, love is kind....  As I read it I realized how far I had allowed myself to go and how much I needed his help to bring me back to him.  There are so many aspects in my life I need to improve on and I cannot do that without letting go and letting God.  I know he is using this as a lesson for a blessin'. 


Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for your love, your power, and your forgiveness.  I know I can stand on your promises of hope and a future. Thank you for your blessings, abilities, and talents.

Help me to see others, and myself, through your eyes.  Help me to forgive as you forgive me everyday, for everyday I fall short of your glory.  Please give me wisdom and understanding of your word, that I may use my life to glorify you. show me what you want me to give up so that I may live my life to glorify you and the  attitude to let them go.  Help me to imitate your ways, not the ways of the world.
I was made by you, in your image, not my own.
Lord, be with me. Always guiding me with your light to illuminate those areas in my life, to get out of the darkness of my own shadow and into the light of your mercy and grace. 
Help me to see pass my faults and failures, as you do, so that I will no longer be imprisoned by them. Break the chains of resentment and rejection that I allow to bind me. 



In Jesus' Name,

Amen.

Lord, be with her

I am not one to watch the news regularly, but there are some things you just can't miss.  With that being said, the news lately seems to be hitting pretty close to home, considering I spent a lot of my childhood living near Omaha.  Here is what has been going on lately:

A baby found in a dumpster, still alive thankfully.  His 5 year old brother, taken on his fifth birthday, thrown over a bridge, left to die; and their mother found dead.  Terrible!!! All of it!

Then you have the Omaha police officer who was shot and killed just hours before she went on maternity leave.  Again how heart breaking.

AND AGAIN....3 babies dead in 4 days in Des Moines; co sleeping is the "cause".  I WILL have a post about this, very, very soon!!! This was not coincidence, this was NOT a matter or co sleeping and that Iowa Medical Examiner, Mr. Dennis Klein himself, needs to be in the spotlight for blaming parents.  He is evil at it's worst.  Sorry, a little worked up on that subject but that is for another day; maybe when I calm down a little; or get more worked up, we'll just have to see.  :)


But the saddest news story I have seen is a young mother, just 24 years old who was found at 6:55 in the morning pushing her dead child on a swing in a public park.  It is reported that this mother may have been pushing this precious boy all night!  ALL NIGHT?! Can you imagine?  We took the kids to the park yesterday, just before I read this news article.  One of my children's favorite past time is swinging.  All of them love to swing!  I'll be honest though, when Riley and Jacob learned to pump by themselves, it was a glorious day!!! haha.  I do not like pushing the swings all the time and doing countless number of underdogs.  After about 10 minutes of pushing Hannah on the swing I try to either give the job to one of the boys, or direct her to a different park activity.  Pushing swings is not all that exciting. So, can you imagine doing it for HOURS on end.  I don't think this momma necessarily pushed her child non stop for hours.  I do not know this mother, I don't know her heart, her emotions, her day to day activity.  I don't know anything about this woman, but my heart breaks for her!!!!!! My entire being aches for her.  Who knows what possibly could have happened that day; no one knows how the little guy passed away, what the causes were, but there wasn't anything evident that would point to foul play.  Here is how I see this mother. Here are all the "maybe's" that go through my mind when I think of this girl.

Read the story here:
http://fox59.com/2015/05/23/maryland-woman-found-pushing-her-dead-child-in-a-swing/y


Maybe:

Maybe the little boy was sick and she knew he was going to be gone soon so she took him to his favorite park to do his favorite activity; swinging.

Maybe the little one did pass away before she took him to the park and she couldn't bear to let him go with out taking him to their favorite place. 

Maybe she was homeless, and couldn't afford to feed or take care of her pride and joy, but she could give him happiness with one last park trip.

And who knows, she may have a dark background, maybe drug abuse, maybe not.  Either way her background doesn't matter, one thing is clear; this mom LOVED her baby. 

Here is what I think about this awful night for this momma.

I'm sure she didn't push non stop for 12 hours straight.  I bet at sometime she took a few minutes to snuggle her little guy, just one last time.  She knew, she had to let go, and soon.  Soon she would have to fully admit that little boy was no longer with her, but just not yet.  I'm sure she screamed.  Maybe she was pleading and begging God, "Please, God, I promise I'll take him to the park more, I know how much he loves to swing. If you just give my baby back to me, I'll take him to the park everyday. I will push him on the swings everyday.  I can show you now, I will push him, I will play with him more.  I will be there for him more.  I will have fun with him more.  I will give myself for him, Lord, please if you just give my baby back to me." 

I'm sure she cried.  And cried.  And cried.  She may have even wished that if God was going to take her baby, that He would choose that time to take her too; and as she cried I'm sure she screamed that to the heavens as well.

Like I said, I don't know.  I don't this woman, but my heart has never broken for another woman as it does for her.  I pray for her.  I pray for healing and peace.  I pray for a future, and I pray that she knows the Lord and Savior.  Whoever you are, my heart is breaking with yours and I am praying for you and your sweet little one. I'm sure your little one is swinging on a beautiful playground in heaven.  Lord, be with her. 

 

Rainbow Baby

See I told you I was back!  ;) If you are my Facebook friend you know ALL about our rainbow baby, but may not know what "Rainbow baby" means; and if you are not my Facebook friend, but follow my blog, than chances are you don't know much about our Hannah Grace, but you know what it means to have/want a rainbow baby.  For those of you who don't know, there are three different "types" of babies after a death of a child.  You may have what they call a sunshine baby/child, maybe even more than one.  For us we had two sunshine children when Justin was called home.  A sunshine baby/child is "a baby conceived before a family is struck by loss. A baby conceived before devastation has held a place in a family's heart and their symbol of love, before they knew anything about shattered dreams." These children give you a reason to get up in the morning after tragedy, these children are your sunshine everyday, the only ones who can make you laugh when you didn't know you were even able to anymore.  They are special children for sure, and I am so blessed to have had Riley and Jacob to help me through after Justin passed away. 

Then you have your angel baby, I'm sure we all know what this is.  This is that very special little baby that did their work on earth, (or in the womb) so quickly that God had special plans for them in heaven and called them home; leaving everyone who loved them with a whole in their hearts that will only be filled once you get to heaven.  These babies teach you something, they make you grow, they change you.  These are forever babies.  It's hard to imagine them growing up in heaven when you can't witness it for yourself.  These babies are special and God knew that too.  I can't even begin to imagine the joy they brought to the angels when they flew them up to heaven on their wings. 

And finally you have what we call a rainbow baby.    a rainbow baby is a baby that comes after the storm of having another one of your children being called home. A rainbow baby  "is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope." 

Our family was blessed with a rainbow baby, we named her Hannah Grace.  I know that I have written blogs about her before, around the time of her birth.  Our little rainbow baby isn't so much a baby anymore.  She is a 2 year old spunky red head.  God really broke the mold with her and she is the epitome of a rainbow.  That girl brings so much color into our lives, and even just looking at her she is full of color, spirit, and hope.  I watched as she walked with her brothers down the driveway a ways today and thought, "boy, that girl just radiates color!"  With her bright red hair, that seems to glow red hot in the sunlight, and her pretty big blue eyes, she is just a world of color in her tiny little self. 

Her personality is anything but dull as well and she gives us a run for our money everyday!!! I'll be honest she is a spitfire and most of the time outwits both Ryan and I.  She knows how to work my phone better than I do, she already seems to have an attitude of her mother (times 10) and can whip her brothers into shape with just a look, (sometimes she throws a nice high pitched scream in there for fun).  This girl is amazing!! She is a spice and she is sugar, she is crazy and calm.  She is everything.  I am so very, very blessed to be her momma, and I am so very, very, thankful for my hot tempered little redhead that is a ray of sunshine, an angel, and rainbow, all mixed with a little bit of spunk, sass, and down right attitude.




How do I know she is a gift from Jesus himself?  At just a year old, when she could say very few words we happened to walk by the Prince of Peace picture I have hanging in our hallway.  As we walked by she pointed right at that picture and said, "Jesus" with a big smile and leaned in to give the picture a kiss that was just at the right height to do it, since I was holding her.  I was stunned, and had to ask her again to make sure I heard her clearly.  Yep, that is what she said, and to this day, a year later she still stops at the picture points to Jesus with a smile and says His name, and He knows hers. If you have a little one of your own, try it.  Show them the Prince of Peace picture, see if they know who he is; it may just surprise you.  :)    You will hear a lot more of our Hannah Grace, our very own rainbow. 

For those of you still hoping, dreaming, and praying for you rainbow baby; keep the faith, keep praying, keep hoping, and I will pray for you too.  God knows your name just as He knows Hannah's He knows the desires of your heart.  God Bless you sweet momma's out there may God bless you with your own rainbow baby. 


Here is our little rainbow, just tonight.  She was all tuckered out, keeping those older brothers in line is hard work!!!

Dream on

I'm back!!! And if all goes as planned it is for good this time, (I know I hear God laughing too).  :)  Turns out there are very few of my plans that go according to....my plans.  What I have learned from it all, however, is that I just need to keep dreamin' on.  The past couple years have been a whirl wind; both good and bad.  My family is stronger than ever, we have gone through some really bad times and some really good times. Sadly the bad times tend to try to outweigh the good ones in my own mind, and then I am reminded that all works out according to God's plans.  So here I am.  Let me fill you in a little of our past 2 years.  I would like to say that our experience with Justin helped shape me, and prepare me to deal with what would lie ahead. 

I was offered a "dream" teaching job in a school where I did my student teaching.  I thought for sure that leaving our newly purchased beautiful "dream" home was the right thing to do.(Turns out I dream a lot!) :) There have been times where I look back and think, "maybe not so much" but it has brought us more blessings and opportunities for sure.

When I took this job, I thought that this is where God was calling us to be, that we would fit in, and live happily ever after in a small, close knit, community doing what I love, and living in yet again a very beautiful home, even if we don't own it.  Turns out that was not our happily ever after.  My first year of teaching went pretty well, with only one hard hit towards the end of the school year, and a miscarriage to boot.  That is where this "dream" started fading and my "dream" career was no longer a dream of mine.  I don't want to go into too many details as I want this post to be about speaking life not bitterness.  I am not bitter about the way things went as it allowed me an amazing opportunity to homeschool my beautiful children.  I have met some really great people that I love and cherish and I have met some other's that became lessons.  I cannot say that I am thankful for every situation, but I had to go through them to learn from them.  It also made me wake up and realize I still have the potential to dream on. 

Our son was taken out of a hard situation as well, and I know it all worked according to God's timing, even if I didn't think it was in tune with mine.  Seems He always has a way of doing things better, I doubt Him, (because I'm not always a quick learner), and once I finally come to my senses and remember His promises, that is the time that He really shows off; and He has done that for us big time.  I have to learn to quit doubting His grace, mercy, and love for me.

My second year of teaching was anything but a dream, and I realize that that is not where my heart lies, nor is it where God wants me to be right now.  I am grateful for the opportunity considering I went to school for it.  Had I not been given the opportunity I would have spent my life wondering if I missed out on something.  Don't get me wrong, I loved teaching, I love the children, but it is not the environment I am supposed to be in, and God knew that, as He always does.  I think there was a time when I should have been a teacher, and I got that chance, I know I made a difference in a few children's lives, as they did mine; but my time for teaching is done and it is time to dream on onto something different.  A dream where I can wear my heart on my sleeve, whether through a blog or through words, I didn't feel I could open up like I had in the past, and stopped writing completely, and endured yet another miscarriage.

We decided after I lost the job that it was time to move back to our dream house, find jobs there, take yet another leap of faith, and move back "home" to Iowa, (the land that I love).  :)  About a week before making it final Ryan was offered a job here we couldn't refuse.  I was excited....and crushed.  This is such an awesome opportunity for him, and yet we were once again in a place where we had to find a different dream, a brand new one in a place we weren't exactly welcome anymore, for situations out of our control. 

Then.....we found out we have to move.  This really was a blessing.  While we love our house we really need a change of scenery.  We have a month and no prospects...oh gosh.  Once again, my doubt and fear kicked in.  Once again, I felt sorry for myself, why do we always have to struggle?! I may have screamed that to the heavens on more than one occasion when the kids weren't around.  Then I was reminded of Philippians 1: 29-30 For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for Him, since you are going through the same struggle you saw I had, and now hear that I still have."  and also Phil 4:4-7 "rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all.  The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  

The next day we found a place, a least a potential place, nothing is certain yet, but I am thankful, so very thankful that God allows me to stand on His promises even when I am shouting out in fear and anger and every emotion that doesn't come from Him, and He reminds me that it is His plan that needs to come to pass, it is not my world to conquer. He's got this as He always does, and I need to learn to quit doubting, getting angry, or fearing the unknown.  He knows what He is doing. He made me a dreamer and I'm so thankful He did.  I am still finding myself in this world, (that I don't need to conquer), and in the mean time I may lose some battles; but that's okay...I still dream on.

Phil. 3:13-16
Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.  All of us, then, ho are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you.  Only let us live up to what we have already attained.

why your posts hurt SO much

I have stopped blogging for a long time for a couple of reasons, one of them being that we don't have WiFi at home so blogging on a tiny phone proves to be difficult,  the other is I'm always worried about doing or saying something wrong. I've learned a lot from this experince. I'm never going to do or say just the right thing. If someone doesn't like you, others won't like you. It doesn't matter who you are or what your heart is, what matters is what others say. So, if that's the case, " Be who you are and say what you feel because those you mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind." To quote the great Dr. Seuss.
I noticed quite a few really hurtful things today. One was titled " one dead child two foolish parents"  the thing is, this goes both ways. I have one dead child and Ryan and I were two foolish parents. The other was a doctor "so great" at giving a child shots.  So the question is why does this get me fired up? Why can't I let it go? Here's why.

I thought I was doing right by taking my child in for his wellness check ups, for getting him his shots. I was not the foolish parent, right?? Wrong! I held my screaming baby as they jabbed him with needles that we were told were to protect him. I did. I consoled him through the fever that was "normal". I did. I also woke up one morning to him not breathing. I did. I was one out of 5 who performed cpr. I did. I was the one praying and begging my son to wake up. I did. I wanted to see him look up at me one more time, I willed him to start breathing again. I did. I heard the dr. Say, "that's one sick baby". I did. I also heard the same dr. Tell me there was nothing he could do." I heard,"I'm sorry" I did. I left that hospital with empty arms and a guilty heart. I did. I picked out a baby casket. I did. I chose what blanket, what songs, what verses to share at his funeral. I did. I watched them put a 2 foot casket, that held my baby boy, in the ground.  did!!! So why do your posts offend me? Because you didn't!  And I pray to God no one else ever does. I heard "your child died from a brain hemorrhage caused by aluminum build up from the dtap" that I held him down for. I did. I held him. So the next time you post please keep my heart in mind. I do not blame myself I know it was out of my control, but it is still something I struggle with every day. I do. Next time you are mean to someone because a friend doesn't like them, remember their heart has already been through the wringer. Please remember.
I also have one very healthy daughter who has never been held down and jabbed with aborted fetal tissue, aluminum, mercury,bovine serum, etc. I do. I have a healthy daughter who has been to the Dr twice and an antibiotic for two days once in her whole life. I do. I have three kids who haven't been sick enough to take to the dr. In over a year. I do. I have twin nephews free from poison who have never been sick. I do. Please remember not every laugh is joyful and not every tear is worthy of sympathy. I'm not asking for sympathy,  I'm asking for compassion. For consideration. 

A Baby After SIDS

I've noticed on a lot of blogs that mother's stop writing after they have a baby; after they have had a baby pass away due to "SIDS".  I swore I would not be one of those mothers; that I would keep writing, because I wanted to know.  I wanted to know what it was like; but here I am; and I stopped writing  blogs after Hannah was born.  Life got busy! Life with three kids is not like life with two, so this blog is about life after "losing" a child.

I hate saying that I "lost" a child.  I did NOT "lose" a child.  I know where Justin is; Justin is with his Maker, Justin is with us, Justin is here. Just because I cannot hold him, feel him, watch him, does not mean that he is not here or a part of our family; he is, and always will be.  Life after Justin, however, is different.  Life after having a baby pass away is different! It is hard, it is joyful, it is life; it just is.  Life goes on; one way or another God makes life keep moving forward. 

Hannah is amazing.  She is bright-eyed, she is beautiful.  I see Justin in her; I see Jesus through her eyes.  She is wonderful.  Life after "SIDS" is scary.  You don't sleep. You worry about everything! You are always on your toes!  And with three little ones life is always, always, on the go! It's new jobs, it's a new house, it's a new baby, it's a new life, it's everything!!! And I wouldn't give her up for the world!!!

I have learned a lot of new things with Hannah; like you don't have to take a baby to the doctor if they are not sick.  You do not need vaccines; they are useless and dangerous, and YOU ABSOLUTELY, BEYOND ANYTHING ELSE, HAVE TO, HAVE TO, DO YOUR RESEARCH!!! If your child passed away due to "SIDS" or "SUID" go back and look at when they got their vaccines!! DO IT! 

Life after SIDS is hard, but it is amazing! I LOVE everything about every one of my children!  I am more informed about what I feed them, what I do to them, how I live my life with them.  Do not be scared of having another baby, it is a whole new world; an amazing life you never knew possible.  Hannah is absolutely, without a doubt, worth every heartache I have ever been dealt.

Guide to Parenting

I went to bed last night with a heavy heart.  After seeing some posts from a few friends on Facebook about how sick their little ones have been since vaccinating I want to just scream through the screen! "Please, please listen to me!  Don't let this happen to them!" I wish someone would have done that to me.

 I don't generally blame myself for what happened to Justin, but last night all I could think of were the "what ifs" what if I HAD done my research before hand, what if I hadn't taken him to the doctor that day and held him while the nurses jabbed a bunch of needles into him at the same time so "it wouldn't hurt as bad." What if I had listened to Riley when he told the doctor that the reason Justin wouldn't smile at him was because "he doesn't like you." I know that that is not a healthy way of thinking, but sometimes it just sneaks up on you.  I watched a VERY informative movie last night, that I encourage EVERYONE to watch!  It is called the Greater Good. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jtejYbV20-A

 I know it was all part of God's plan, and I KNOW I have a healthy, happy, poison free daughter because of all of this.

Jeremiah 29:11

New International Version (NIV)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

 I don't mean to question His plan, and I don't think I am, more so I was questioning my own parenting.  Sometimes, like most parents, I wish there was a Guide to Parenting Handbook; you know one that tells you what to do, including:

When you get a puppy make sure your 3 year old knows that the washing machine ISN'T for cleaning dirty puppies.
That plastic screwdrivers can and do cut through screens on windows and toddlers can and will climb out on the roof if left alone to clean their rooms for 15 minutes. 
Make sure you research anything and everything you inject into an infant or child.

Just to name a few.

I know that some of my friends think that I am pushy about vaccines, and I don't mean to be.  I really, really, just don't want to see another parent go through what we have.  I don't want another parent to go to bed with a heavy heart reliving the day they took their baby to the doctor, the day their child wouldn't stop screaming, the last time they got to snuggle with their baby, or the morning they found their child had gone to Heaven. 

I have realized that between May and August I struggle a LOT more than I think.  One night while laying in bed, for the 4th night in a row not able to sleep and waking up every hour, that I in fact am scared of the dark.  I am not scared of the monster under my bed or the boogie man in my closet, I'm not scared of ghosts or things that go bump in the night; I am scared of nighttime itself.  What happens when I'm not awake, what happens in the still of the night, what happens when I let my guard down for a minute; because one night, I did just that; and one night something awful happened.  And because of that one night, our world changed forever; we changed forever.  I don't think a day goes by that I don't think about that awful morning, or the snuggles the night before. 

So all you parents out there, please don't think I am being pushy; please, please, don't have an awful morning due to lack of knowledge. 

I found this song today after looking through some of the old comments, thank you Jamie for this!!! Here are the lyrics:

What is it like to be held in the same arms that hold the universe?

What is it like to sleep on the chest of the King of Heaven and Earth?

When you open your eyes and look on the face of the giver of life, the author of grace... Do you know?

That your days here changed everything. You're missed here and will always be. But you left here, the greatest gift of all. Cause our hearts ache for home...

What is it like to breathe in and breath out, Heavens glorious life? What is it like to be robed in perfection, no reason to cry?

When you feel on your face your fathers kiss, His welcome embrace we prayed for this.

You should know...

That your days here changed everything.
Your missed here and will always be
But you left here. The greatest gift of all.
Cause our hearts ache for home...

So twinkle twinkle little star
We will keep you in our hearts
Twinkle twinkle little star
we will meet you where you are...

Your days here changed everything. Your missed here and will always be.
But you left here... The greatest gift of all...

Cause our hearts ache....

For Home....

Beautiful...even in shambles

My 10 year high school reunion is coming up; I know I don't look a day over 18 right!? ;)  With that; lets reflect on the last 10 years... oh boy!  If you were to tell me at 17 that I would have to endure the heartbreak of losing a child, the martial issues Ryan and I have had, or that at one point I was so depressed that I took pills to just let "whatever happen, happen".  I can't say as I would be here right now.

 But, tell me that I would have a child in heaven watching over my two amazing, curious, clever, creative little boys to love here on earth, and a beautiful, smart, adorable, little princess, with a husband that sees me through it all; that would have made it all better.  Tell me that I would have any sort of relationship with my father, but a GREAT one at that; I might not have believed you. ;) 

I have a beautiful house, on the outside, on the inside, however, it is in shambles.  The entire house is torn apart.  We are painting, we are adding on to stairs, we are moving a kitchen from one room to another, we are making one room into two rooms and a bathroom, a kitchen into a den, a den into a living room, a living room into a bedroom...the list goes on and on, and if you were to step foot into our house right now you would think we are in way over our heads, (we are!)  :)  But much like my life; my house is in shambles to make it just that much more beautiful.  The house was beautiful to begin with, once we make it a mess, screw everything up, and put it back together it is going to be glorious!! That is what Jesus is doing with me; I am sure. 

My life was okay; then it was in shambles; and He took me to make me, mold me, to transform me; and while the process was, (and remains to be, sometimes) brutal, I can't wait to see the finished product.  He took a life to make it wonderful.  My life right now is wonderful; while my house is in shambles I can envision what it will be when we are (finally) done.  I couldn't see that when He was transforming me; but I'm glad He could. 

Life after losing a child is awful, and yet beautiful.  You will never hear me say those words together in a sentence again; but I have to say, that because Justin passed away, I cherish everyday with the blessings that only Jesus could give me.  I look at my children, and even if I am having an awful day, they do something clever, awesome, and beautiful; or my husband does something incredible; just out of the movies amazing.  I look at Hannah, and realize what a blessing she is; I see Jesus through her bright, tiny eyes.  I see His wonder, His glory, His work; I see Him.  I see Him in my children, I see Him when my husband brings home flowers for no reason; I see Him when my dad comes to work on my house.  Jesus surrounds me; He completes everything.  Nothing is done, and yet He is making everything glorious even in the shambles. 

I continue to be so amazed with God's work in me and my family; everyday it is something new, everyday is BEAUTIFUL! And for that I thank you Lord Jesus for making life beautiful even in shambles. 

Jeremiah 29:11

New International Version (NIV)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

New Blessings

I am so sorry, I have been meaning to write a blog for so long! I will be honest part of me wanted to post about our newest little blessing but fear always stopped me.  I was worried that as soon as I posted about how proud I am of her and how thankful I am that God gave me her, she would be taken as soon as I rejoiced about it.  Although, I understand that no matter how much I worry; God has a plan for her, whether it is here on earth or in Heaven, He has a plan.  I just pray, (hourly), that that plan means I get to keep her with me here on earth.  So I will start by telling you about our newest little blessing here on earth.  Hannah Grace Swick was born January 4, 2013 at 2:45AM 6lbs 10oz, (our biggest baby yet).  I will also tell you she is FULLY UNVACCINATED!!!!!!!! She didn't get the goop in her eyes, she didn't get her Hep. B shot at birth (I do not, nor have I ever done drugs, or used needles for that matter, or would there be any reason that I would have Hep. B)  they also test the mother's for that during pregnancy so there would be no reason for Hannah to have Hep. B or be treated for it.  If you are a new mother.....RESEARCH IT! If there is no reason for your child to be infected with Hep. B, do not get them the shot. It is pointless!  It is unneccessary.  Okay...I'm off my soapbox about the Hep B. or the "goop" they put in their eyes, which is contracted if the mother has gonorrhea (once again, not a concern of mine). 

Hannah is one of the most beautiful little girls I have ever laid eyes on.  She truly is a blessing; so sweet, so perfect, so sent from above.  She is ever mother's dream.  She is bright eyed, she is adorable, she is happy.  She is ten weeks old, she smiles and coos, and makes every day bright!  She really is everything I have ever hoped for; BUT with that I have to be absolutely honest.  It is TERRIFYING to have another baby after having a baby accepted into heaven so prematurely for my liking.  Hannah has slept through the night.  In fact last night, she slept for 6 1/2 hours.  Me on the other hand, slept for an hour at a time when I finally decided to just wake her up at 5:40AM.  Every hour I was awake, I was touching her making sure she was breathing.  I am consumed with fear.  I hate to admit that especially outloud.  I feel as though I might jinx myself.  In Justin's Jesus I professed that I had quite frequently told people, "If God were to take one of my children He might as well take me too,"  If I said that then and laid my fears out for everyone (including the devil to know/hear), what makes this worry any different?  Does the devil hear my fears also?  If I say them outloud does that make me more susceptible?  Does that mean that when I voice my fears the devil hears them and acts on them?  I don't know.   That's why I pray silently about my fears and worries.  However, I have come to the point in my life, and in Hannah's, that I realize I just cannot be that overcome.  I don't sleep, I over think, I make myself sick with worry; and it does no good for anybody.  I try to give up my fears, but like I have said before that is easier said than done. 

I am working on it.  I am so very very thankful for this new little blessing; and I ADORE AND CHERISH every moment I have with this beautiful little girl.  She is amazing!!!!

On to the next part....

Heaven's new blessing.  My grandmother had been suffering from dementia for the last 3 years.  We were planning on going down to see her to get a four generation picture; then life got in the way.  You know how it goes, especially in the winter; cold and flu season hits, you have newborn, your other kids are sick, the weather is awful, or you have family drama in the meantime.  Excuses, excuses.  We had finally set up a time to get down there; this weekend in fact, then I got a call: Granmda had fallen, (one week before our planned visit), she had broken her hip in 3 places, we might want to get down, as she was scheduled for surgery the next day and her 89 lb body just might not be able to take on that trauma.  We left after Ryan got home from work the night she fell.  We made it to Missouri at 1:30AM and decided it best not to just drive on to the hospital because grandma was already asleep.  We found out later her surgery was scheduled for 7:30 the next morning.  We got a call, said she made it through surgery just fine, but they just weren't sure she was going to be able to handle it, and she had about 15 minutes once they took out her oxygen source, and seeing as how we were still an hour and a half from the hospital, we might as well not come.  We were not going to get our picture, and grandma would never be able to meet her newest great granddaughter.  My little sister and I decided we were going to try anyway.  She wasn't quite "gone" yet and we would drive as far as we could until we got the call.  We later got a call saying that "grandma was holding on longer than they thought we should try to make it"  of course we were already planning on that and Hannah was in her carseat ready to go.  We got in the car, got gas, and went on our way; a little too distraught and too much in a hurry; we got on the interstate; my sister, my daughter, and myself.  I was driving.  I went to go pass a car; my mind on too many other things, and I didn't see a car in my blindspot.  I got scared, over corrected, and swerved....ALL OVER THE INTERSTATE! We finally came to a stop, in the ditch, facing on coming traffic, with the driver in a panic.  I about killed my daughter, my sister, and myself.  One thing different, if there had been a car behind us, a semi beside us, a deeper ditch; or a revean, we would have been gone; but we weren't.  My little sister, the whole 125 lbs that she is, pushed us out, drove us out, and within 5 minutes we were back on our way.  We sure had some pretty amazing angels watching over us that day.  Grandma sent them I'm sure.  We made it to the hospital, me a little more frantic than I was when we left; and Grandma was able to hold Hannah exactly 30 minutes before she took her last breath.  Heaven sure received their own little blessing that day. 

So while I am so thankful for my blessing, and missing the blessing received into heaven; I am still so amazed at all the work God does in people's lives that He shares with us.  Grandma I love you, you have been such an outstanding part of my life and I love you so much. Hannah, every day I am thankful for each breath you take, each smile you share with us, and each and everything about you.  Thank you Lord!!!

Pregnancy after SIDS

Matthew 6: 25-27 and 34
²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[a]?
³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

When we first decided not to continue with birth control and leave our future up to the Lord instead, I will be honest, it was a little frightening.  I wanted to know how other families felt when they made that choice, what the pregnancy was like, how they handled it both before and after the baby was born...and sadly Google just can't answer all of those questions; in fact no one knows how it will affect them until they are in that place themselves. 

I will be the first to admit pregnancy after SIDS is a whole new ballgame.  It comes with its own fears, its own joys, it is a whole new experience.  While we were so excited to find out that we were blessed with another little one it is down right scary, and too many times I have given into fear.  I know it is all in God's hands, either way, but there is always that uneasy feeling in the back of my mind and in the pit of my stomach....what if???

What if I don't feel the baby kick for an hour....well that question was answered last night....I panic, I cry, I think the worst.  We had a dr. appointment today, when I told the nurse she asked me if it was my first child, LOL.  Yes I was acting like a first time mom, like I had no clue what to expect.  The baby started kicking, reassuring me that all was okay; thank the Lord.  I need to stop doubting Him. 

We only have a few weeks left until our scheduled c-section and I feel myself becoming more and more cautious and worried about everything.  I knew it was bound to happen.  How are we going to sleep?  What if our worst nightmare happens again...what if, what if, what if.  I am reminded that I do not know what tomorrow holds, but thank the Lord, I know The One who holds tomorrow.  He has it under control, He knows my fears, He knows my heart, He knows my tomorrow; and He will hold me through all of it.  

So for those of you contemplating a baby after SIDS please know that it will always come with its own fears, but know that worrying isn't going to help you find the joy in that new little blessing, but take it away.  The Lord says, "do not fear for I am the Lord your God."  I am still learning this, obviously, worrying is not going to make tomorrow better, but take away my joy in today. 

For all of my prayer warriors, please keep us in your prayers these next few weeks, that the Lord will hold us up, take away our fears and replace it with hope, faith, and joy.  That this little one doesn't get too excited about his or her arrival and stays kickin' away in womb until January 18th...this may be a stretch as all of our children have gotten a little too anxious about joining the world.  Please pray for no NICU stays, for a healthy baby; for sleep, comfort, and peace; as we will be praying for all the other mommy's and daddy's out there dealing with fears of their own. 

I hope this blog finds you all well, and that you all have a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!