Sweet is the voice of a sister in the season of sorrow. ~Benjamin Disraeli

When we were younger my little sister and I bickered all the time!!!! I remember my parents telling us that one day it wouldn't be like that, that one day we would actually get along....and may even become friends.  I did not believe that at the time.  After all, she did steal my spot of being the "baby" of the family, which I was quite comfortable in for 7 years.  Well, low and behold, parents do know somethings!  ;)  Now that we are older my little sister is one of my best friends.  Don't get me wrong, we are still sisters, which in turn means, we are are not going to agree with each other's decisions all the time, but the nice thing about being sisters is that we are not afraid to tell each other when we disagree with some of the choices we make.  I love that about having sisters, the honesty, the compassion, the protection, and the fearlessness of knowing that we will always be there for one another.  Not just when times get hard, or when times are great, but always.  I talk to my little sister daily, see her almost every month, even though money is tight and time is scarce she is always there, not only for me, but for my children as well.  She was present during the birth of each of my children, even though with Riley and Jake it was over a 5 hour drive, and with Justin it was still 3. (Jack was there too, claiming that Justin was waiting until his 'Godfather' got there to make an appearance).  It wasn't so much her support during that time, that means the most to me, but when Justin was transferred to Des Moines, it was Jill who stayed with me those 11 long, long days, and even longer nights.  She sat with me, she cried with me, laughed with me, and helped ease my mind on the the trying days.  And even though I am sure I was unbearable at times with being frustrated, scared, confused, and overly tired, she never once complained, even though she had every right to do so.  She also left as soon as she heard about Justin's passing, once again, staying after everyone had left and helped me adjust to a different life without Justin in it.  It was not so much the days right after Justin passed away that were the most difficult, don't get me wrong they were awful, they are days that I never ever want to relive again, but with all the hustle and bustle of getting things done, and all the people that surround you, (once again I am so thankful for all you), and just being in utter shock, those days seem like a blur to me.  It was the days after everything seemed to settle down and it was time to pretty much relearn "life", that were really hard.  I am not sure I would have gotten through it without her by my side.  Not only have Jill and I gotten really close, but we know each other, the good and the bad, what makes each other happy, what breaks each other's hearts.  We have a sort of empathetic connection that even though there are times we don't agree with decisions each other makes, we know each others hearts well enough to know why those decisions were made.  We feel each others pain, know each other's sorrows, and embrace each other's happiness and joy.
Jack and Jill mean so much to us and our children, once again, not because they are there for the good times, or the bad, but because they have always been there for everything, even the moments that are dull, boring, and everyday sort of life days, they are there.  That is why they were named Justin's Honorary God Parents. 

I love you both so much, thank you for all you both have done!  Jill, you are the best little sister in the world, and Jackeious....you're not too bad of a guy yourself ;) Love you!

Here are Jack and Jill's letters to Justin:

Justin Bustin,

            Hey buddy I am not completely sure what to tell you in this letter. I never thought I would have to write a letter under these circumstances, I honestly never thought I would be strong enough too. I know the only thing helping me write this letter right now is the strength God is giving me and my love for you. You have touched so many lives in the short time you were here and even now after you have gone. You have helped countless people find Christ in a way they never thought possible. You truly were an amazing little man. You always were one of the most special little boys I had ever met. The day I called your grandma Tjarks back because she had called and said it was urgent was the worst day of my life. The last thing I ever expected to hear was that my precious and perfect little Justin Bustin’ was no longer living. In that moment I thought my world was crashing. Nothing seemed right anymore I remember begging God to change it, just let me wake up and it be yesterday, please don’t make anyone in this family face this. Well those thousands of prayers I said in that short time were never completely answered. But this isn’t a letter to tell you how much I am hurt that you are no longer with us. This is a letter to tell you how much you mean to everyone you ever had contact with physically or not, especially me, and all the great memories I had with you. I remember when your mom thought she was going into labor the first time and I rushed down there as soon as I could the next day. It ended up being a false alarm, but it wasn’t long after that you were here with us. The whole time your mom was delivering you Jack and I took your big brothers to the mall to keep them, and well us, occupied. We were all so excited. Your brothers kept asking every 5 minutes if you were here yet and if they could see you or hold you and I was looking at my phone nonstop awaiting a call from your daddy or grandma. I remember not long after you were born you were sent to Blank Children’s Hospital, I rode in the ambulance with you because I just couldn’t imagine taking my eyes off of you, being too far away, and letting you make that trip alone. You would stay at Blank for 11 days and I am so honored that I got to spend most of those days there with you. I would not trade those days for the world! I also remember when your mom and dad brought you up to see everyone and the whole time you were here I didn’t want to let you go. Other people wanted turns holding you but in my eyes you were my nephew and I didn’t ever want to let go. I later had to let go in a way that I will never fully heal from. Even as I am writing this letter to you I find it hard to see the computer screen through the tears I miss you so much my precious little boy. You know I was your godmother another great honor your parents bestowed on me. And another great honor that I would not trade for anything. I miss you a little more and more everyday people say it will get easier but that is only if you push it to the back of your mind which I find hard to do since you were always one of the first things on my mind anyways. But again I am going back to how hurt I am. The last time I went up to see you, you were 12 pounds and your chubby little cheeks just made you that much more adorable and cuddly in my eyes. You were being kind of a punk the whole time I was there though. You would only smile when I wasn’t looking, I think because you knew that was one thing I wanted to see more than anything. You always had your own little personality when you weren’t happy everyone knew it and everyone always ran over to help you and see what was wrong. Even the last time I saw you I didn’t want to put you down every time you would cry I would rush over to you side and pick you up. Partially because I just saw it as an excuse to hold you and cuddle you, but also because I didn’t like to see you cry, but you will never have to do that again. You meant the world to me Justin and I cherish every moment I ever got to spend with you and every moment I get to spend with you now when you are with me. I swear I feel you with me sometimes and those are the only times that this is truly ever a little easier. I cannot wait until God grants me the chance to see you again I hope you are one of the first faces I see at the end of that bright light. Well buddy I am sure this letter is getting a little too long, I could go on for pages about how much you meant to me and still not have it all written in here. Words cannot describe how much that was or how lost I feel without you here. Without being able to call your mom and hear you whole I am on the phone or being able to drive up there and see that smiling face (that you didn’t like to show me very often)  and especially knowing I will never get to hold you in my arms again. It kills me to end this letter but I know if I keep going I’ll drown the keyboard. I love you so much my angel boy!!!! And I will miss you always!!!

Love you forever,

Aunt Peanut

      Dear Justin,

      You were a very special little guy you changed so many lives in the little time you were here. There are so many things that I want to tell you I could go on forever. I remember when I first heard the news of you. I was so excited to hear that you were going to be born. I had  never known  anyone that was having a baby. When the date was set I was just finishing welding school and was offered a job in the city one of the first things I thought of was it was going to be during the time that we were expecting you. I was in the last week of my job and I got the news they were expecting you early. I was upset because I wanted to be there when you were born. When I was on my way home I received news that you and your mother were sent back home and that they wanted to wait a while longer. I was really glad to hear this news because it meant that there was still a chance that I could make it up to see you when you were born. I made plans to come up that Friday and during that weekend you were born. I was the first person to know your size and weight it made your Aunt Peanut really mad at me because she wanted to be the very first to know. We went to the hospital to see you and you were in the nursery getting cleaned up so we couldn’t see you yet so while we were waiting for them to bring you back to the room peanut went to get coffee. While she was gone they brought you in and I was able to touch you and talk to you. I was afraid to touch you I didn’t want to get you sick or make Jill anymore mad at me. Through the next week I came down to see you in the NICU when I could. I hated that you had to be on the machines they looked so uncomfortable and like they were hurting you. I would just hope that you would do all the things they wanted you to do so you could get out of there and go home. When you finally got out of the Hospital Jill and I would come down to see you when we could. I always was excited to see you and loved to hold you and see the funny faces that you would make or when you would smile at me and frown at your aunt peanut. I’ll always think of the things I could have showed you, like batman. I wish I could do the things with you like your brothers always want to do anything from seeing the cows or spinning them around. I always wonder what you would be like today. What your personality would be how you would act or what you would even look like. I wish I could watch you grow up and be a part of your life and watch you succeed. I’ll never understand why your stay was cut so short. You made an impact on my life the first time I held you and I will always miss you. Look over your family and keep an eye on your brothers.

Love, Uncle Jack

Worldwide Candle Lighting

Today is the day of the Worldwide Candle Lighting, I believe founded by Compassionate Friends.  Tonight from 7:00PM to 8:00PM, we light a candle in rememberance of every child, no matter what age that has passed away, we do this so that there is not only a light shining for them, but for the families that miss them as well, especially during the holiday season.  It is such a bitter-sweet thing to do.  I love that there are things like this that family and friends can do, symbolizing the light of their love that they hold for these children.  It makes the day feel special in a way.  However thinking about why we are doing it is also a sad one.  I wish that children didn't leave us so soon, so that there would not have to be a day in which we light candles for them, but then again, what sort of place would Heaven be if there were not kids in it to make it even that much more special?
 My life has changed drastically since Justin went to be with Jesus, my faith is stronger, my family is closer, and I have learned to cherish all the time I have to spend with my husband, my children, and our families.  Once again, I am so thankful for the amazing people God has put in my life, and I am learning not to dwell on the fact that Justin is not here with us, but that there is a light in our hearts that will shine for him until the day we meet again. 
Tonight I light a candle for Justin, and also for Dakota Cleland, Ben Holbrook, Dacey De Whitmire, Keeley Settles, Victoria Westfall, Ethan "Fred" Metz, Jarid Anderson, Tyler A. Bird, Marshall Barhite, Justin Kniefl, Kaleb, and Bailey.  I will be lighting one more for EVERY other child.  God Bless all you that have had a child, a nephew, a niece, a grandchild, a godchild, a sister, a brother, or even a friend, that has gone to Heaven long before you desired.  My heart goes out to all of you, and to those children.

 If you have a child you would like to write a message to compassionatefriends.org has a memory book people are able to write in tonight... the link is http://www.compassionatefriends.org/AddRemembranceEntry.aspx

Justin's Angels

With the holidays approaching I haven't had much time to write, and for those of you who wrote letters to Justin, please don't think I have forgotten about you.  I will get the letters in the blog soon!! I wanted to take a quick minute though to share, once again, Justin's Angels, that I shared on facebook only a few days after Justin's passing.  It really is where all of this started and was the first stepping stone to finding peace and hope in such a tragic event.  I wanted to make sure to post it in the blog for those that read my blog, but do not have access to the story on facebook.



Justin's Angels

This is my story this is my song...

As most of you know we are living in my grandparent’s house. When my Great Grandma died, my grandma took it really hard and was having trouble sleeping. One night when she couldn't sleep she went into the back bedroom to lie down, as to not wake up my grandpa.   As she was crying she heard a voice and saw someone standing at the end of the bed asking her "Why are you weeping when your mother is up in heaven, and I am here with you?" Grandma has always believed in Angels and I believe she was visited by one once after that.

Riley does NOT sleep in Jacob's bed and when we would have company we would make him sleep in there with Jacob so our company could use his bed. He threw a fit every time, he did not like sleeping in Jakey's bed. We had put Riley and Jacob to bed that night in Riley's bed said our prayers, read some stories, and sang a couple songs before they fell asleep, Jesus Loves Me was one of those songs. A few hours later Ryan took Justin up to his crib to put him to bed, this was the last night we would ever be able to put Justin down to sleep. When Ryan came down he had told me that Riley was sleeping in Jacob's bed (that is also in the bedroom with Justin's crib). I thought this was odd but didn't think much of it. The day Justin went to be with Jesus we had taken the boys up to my aunts house for my cousin to watch them as everything was going on and we wanted them out of the house so they didn't have to see anything. They were gone before they put Justin in the ambulance.

Later that day after we picked the boys up and had a talk with them that we were no longer able to keep Justin with us and that he was in Heaven with Jesus, Riley started telling a story about an "alien in his closet" he then went on to talk about the ambulance that he had seen at the house (he had seen the ambulance, he was just not in the house). Riley had talked about a guy being in he closet when we first moved in (a year ago) but I have not heard of it since. When I asked Riley who the guy was he told me that the guy [with gloves] shut Justin's eyes.

I wanted to talk to Riley a little more about it, as he was not scared of this "guy" and seemed completely comfortable with it and would talk about it willingly telling me something about a little ghost and singing “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star”, to Justin before he closed his eyes.

I had told my family this story and we were wondering if Riley knew what Angels were. We do not have a single picture, statue, or anything that would lead him to know what they are, what they look like, or what they do. After Justin was gone my mom had been given a flower arrangement made by a friend with an angel figurine holding a baby, her wings were covered by the flowers. Last night I asked Riley, "Riley come here, can you tell me what this is?" and moved the flowers so you could see the whole angel. He goes, "ah! That's an ANGEL, she took Justin away!" I said "was this what was in your closet?" He said, "yes mommy, she flew up and took Justin to Jesus!".

There is no way Riley would know that Angels "fly up" or that they take babies to Jesus. It is amazing to me that the eyes of the innocent are able to see and comprehend these things. Thank you Lord for this story as it calms my soul, strengthens my faith, and puts peace in my heart.

Finding Joy

As we go through our day to day lives we complain about work, kids, finances, etc.  But what we keep forgetting to do is finding joy every day.  Not every day is a good day, some times it seems like there is too much going on in life that you won't be able to get it all done.  This makes me crabby.  I hate my house being a mess, and yes, it makes me a bear, just ask my husband.  Poor guy, generally gets the brunt of it, but there are times during the week that cleaning the house, just doesn't seem fit into the schedule.  Even as a stay at home mom, it seems my life has gotten busier than it has EVER been, keep in mind I was married with two kids finishing up my BS degree in education, while still working part time, that was cake compared to life keeping up a with a 2 and a 4 year old.

One day we went to church, shortly after a young local girl had passed away in a tragic car accident.  I believe it was mother's day.  Our pastor was talking about finding Joy in all circumstances, not "happiness", but "joy", and what it meant to be "joyful".  This sermon comes to my mind daily.  As I picture Justin in Heaven, (every day), I have mixed emotions, I am heartbroken that he is not here with us, that I don't get to snuggle him everyday, smell his hair, see his smile, or watch him grow up, and I am not "happy" that he is not here with me, I am, however, "joyful" that I know where he is, I am "joyful" that he gets to spend eternity with his maker, I am "joyful" that he never has to feel pain or heartache, I am "joyful" that I will see him again, I am "joyful" that we have a perfect little angel watching over our family. 

So when I think about how Ryan has to work 6-7 days a week, I have to keep in mind, God gave us his job, so that I can be home enjoying watching everything Riley and Jake do, even when it's naughty, that I get to teach them, and grow right along with them.  I am "joyful" that he has this job, and that I have a job that allows me to stay at home while still contributing to our monthly income.  And while my kids can, and do, drive me nuts at times...ie. when my vacuum breaks due to a million mini chocolate chips that were dumped out on my $250 rug, I am still joyful that I get this time, these stories, that I am able to tell their children.  I am joyful for everything, good or bad, because God gave all this to me, and I have nothing else in this life I need.  Thank you Lord, even for the things that I complain about most!

A Letter From Daddy

I don't have much time to write today.  But I do want to say how much I love my husband, he has been my rock through all of this.  I am so glad God chose him for me.

Also and update on the publishing of Justin Jesus, we have not gotten the final draft sent into the publisher yet, I still have a few things to add to it (prologue and acknowledgements) and I need to get all the letters added to it, then we should be good to go.  Obviously getting it done by Christmas is out of the question, but it WILL be done by Justin's first birthday.  I will keep you posted on the progress! 

Dear Justin,

There were so many things I wish I could tell you, so many things I wish I could do with you. I will never forget the precious times I got to spend with you. Holding you for the first time, watching you fight from the beginning. I can remember how strong your mom was being with you in the hospital. I know how much she loved you. She could not stop talking about you and how precious you were to both of us. I remember when your mom called my work, to tell me that you were going to get to come home. My excitement grew with each minute and each mile I drove. I remember the few nights where we fell asleep on the couch and your mom would wake us up(well me anyway) to tell me to come to bed. Days seemed to be filled with new excitement. I remembered the times when you would smile, it brought so much joy and happiness to us. All the little things you did without having knowledge of it, how our little guy brought happiness to not only your mom and dad, but to your brothers as well. They both loved you and cared so much about their little brother. I remember your sweet baby smell, then I look for your blankets to remind of how close you are to me. Knowing that I will not get to play with you when you are older, play catch, shoot hoops, or take you to the tractor store which is your brothers favorite activity when we go to town hurts me because I know what’s missing. But I know you see it all from where you are, I just wish you would get to do it with them. There are nights when I wake up and I think I hear you cry, it’s hard for me, but I know where you are your cry is a happy one, but more of a giggle. Mom and Dad love you with unconditional love. I find myself thinking of you and don’t have to wonder what your mom is thinking because I already know. When I have my rough days I close my eyes and I see your smile, and at that time I feel that you letting me know that everything is going to be ok and that you are safe. I know that you will always be a part of our family, but our family has an angel watching over his family from heaven. You will always be in my heart, my prayers, and always in my thoughts, but I know that you are among the angels in heaven. Your dad will always remember your first smile, the first time I heard you giggle, and how you made me feel when I held you. You will always be one of Daddy’s little boys. I love little buddy, keep an eye on your brothers, your mom, and me.

Love,

DADDY

My Sister (the real writer)

If any of you have read Justin's Jesus (the full story) it says in there that I have never been much of a writer, until God placed Justin's Jesus in my hands of course.  However, I cannot take credit for Justin's Jesus, I am simply the hands that type the words that the Lord has given me to put down, to not only help others get through a hard time, but for myself as well.  My older sister on the other hand has always been an excellent writer.  In high school she had books upon books filled with poems she had written.  She has always had a knack for expressing her feelings so eloquently and reaching readers with heart felt words and expressions that a reader could get lost in. 

I have always been close to all my sisters, but Kandi and I have had more ups and downs than the rest of us.  There were a lot of times I didn't agree with some of choices she was making for herself and I told her so(most times distastefully) on numerous occasions.  I am sorry for this. 

Kandi has had a lot of really hard struggles in her life and at times couldn't seem to catch a break, even from her own sister's judgement.  I was in wrong.  I would like to tell you all how very proud I am of her.  She had been battling a long hard stuggle with addiction, and sometimes it seemed to all of us that the addiction had consumed her life so much that there was no turning back, forgetting that God is bigger than struggles, problems, and even the strongest of addictions.  What a great and powerful God we have.  Since Justin's death, Kandi has turned her life around.  Kandi Iwant you to know that you are a wonderful sister, a great mother, and an all around beautiful person.  I am so proud of you, and thank you! 

Here is Kandi's letter to Justin 

To My Sweet Nephew, Justin Ryker Swick,
Since you left for Heaven, the lives of those you touched have been better because of you. Our faith has grown stronger, our families have grown closer, and our hearts have grown more thankful. You were, and continue to be, a blessing in more ways than any of us could ever have imagined. Only He could have known what you would do for all of those who knew you and I know that He knew you were exactly what all of us needed.

For me, your short life and sudden passing brought a new beginning, opening my eyes to the value of life. Prior to your passing, I was consumed by addiction, barely surviving every day. I took unnecessary chances, gambling with not only mine, but the lives of others as well. I hurt those I loved without reason. I took life for granted, every day putting myself, my son, and complete strangers at risk. I was weak, thoughtless, and unworthy. It was through you, Justin, that God touched me. Since your passing I have been sober. I treasure every day like it is my last. My relationships with my family have grown stronger than ever, and my son has the mother he always deserved. Though I miss you tremendously and wish every day that I could hold you again, I feel certain that if it were not for your life, I might not be here today.

Your life, though far shorter than any of us desired, had such an incredible impact on our livelihoods, that your memory will live forever in our hearts and on our lips. Your story will be told for generations, by family, by friends, and by strangers, as the boy who brought us closer to God and to each other.

My love forever,

Aunt Kandi

Mommy's letter to Justin

I am in the process of getting Justin's Jesus ready to submit to the publisher, although there is a lot left to be done!  One of the things I want to add in Justin's Jesus is letters from his family and friends.  If anyone would like to write about Justin, a letter to him, or how Justin's Jesus has touched you, please let me know before I send it to the publisher, I will be sure to add it.  I have been dealing lately with being angry, and I'm not sure what about.  Generally when I see a baby and I am happy, I am happy for the babies parents that they get that baby, that I am able to see them, and even sometimes I get the privilage of holding one.  The past couple of days, my arms feel empty, and it is such a heart breaking feeling, that a lot of times, if I let it, turns into bitterness.  I do sometimes think, "you know there are a lot of families out there with multiple kids, living in proverty, in horrible situations, and, Lord, why not save one of those children from living a life of proverty on the streets, than to take mine?  Horrible, I know.  I try to think, "why not me", when these thoughts pop into my head, but sometimes I do let human nature take over and I start to feel sorry for myself.  I am sorry, Lord, I know your plan is better and bigger than mine, I know I should be happy Justin is with you, (Riley tells me everytime he sees me crying about missing Justin), and I am, I know Justin is happy, healthy, and will never feel heartache or pain, but I am still living among human flesh Lord, and I still do, this heartache and this pain is very real.

Here is my letter to Justin, in Justin's Jesus

A Letter to Justin:

From Mommy:

Justin,

There are so many things I want to say to you.  I never thought I would have to write them in a book, though, I just always thought I would always be able to tell you.  As much as I worried that this would happen, once it did, I was at a loss as to what to do next.  You are and always have been so precious to me.  I think about you, everyday, as if you were here.  I wonder what I would put you in to wear that day, if your hair would always be baby soft, if I could cover you in baby lotion forever, just so you would smell the way you did when we first brought you home.  I snuggle with your blanket, I rub it across my face, the same way you liked to fall asleep, and it still smells like you.  I miss you so much, I can’t even begin to put it into words.  I know you are happy in Heaven, and you are in the care of so many amazing people, but I’ve got to say, sometimes I still wish you were in my care.  My arms feel empty without you in them.  I see a baby in church, or at the store, and my heart breaks for me, and yet I am so happy for their mommy’s and daddy’s that are still able to hold their babies.  I hate so many things about you being gone, I hate that my arms are empty, I hate this hole in my heart, I hate not being able to watch you grow up, or feel your hugs, your kisses, or  hearing you say, “I love you, Mommy”.  There are so many things I want to see you do, hear you say, and be proud of you for, but I want you to know that, little one, I am so proud of you! I am so proud to be your mommy, and there are so many things I am glad about also! I am so glad I got the chance to feel you in my arms, to hear you giggle in your sleep, to see your smile, to smell your hair, touch your skin, and watch you roll over.  I don’t remember the sound of your cry, and that’s okay because you don’t cry in Heaven. I am so thankful to have a baby in Heaven, I am so glad you will not feel any pain, that you live among rainbows and light, that you are always happy, and what better place to live than among Jesus and his angels.  I miss you, Justin, and I always will, but I have peace in my heart knowing that Jesus is keeping you safe in his arms until I can see you again.  Please watch over your brothers, as sometimes they get into more mischief than even I can handle.  I love you so much.  I still buy things for you, we talk about you every day, and you are in all of our prayers every night.  Please ask Jesus to keep your soft baby hair so that I can rub my face against it when I get the chance to see you again.  If mommy and daddy ever have another child, please know that we are not replacing you, you could never be replaced!  You are amazing and wonderful to us, you always have been and always will be, and please give that new baby kisses from you, I find comfort in knowing that you will be with your brother or sister before we ever get to know them.  There are so many people that love and adore you, and I cannot even imagine how many lives you have touched, you really have been a work of God and again, I am so proud of you!   I love you, sweet baby, and I will see you again, at the feet of Jesus, in a world without sin.