Dream on

I'm back!!! And if all goes as planned it is for good this time, (I know I hear God laughing too).  :)  Turns out there are very few of my plans that go according to....my plans.  What I have learned from it all, however, is that I just need to keep dreamin' on.  The past couple years have been a whirl wind; both good and bad.  My family is stronger than ever, we have gone through some really bad times and some really good times. Sadly the bad times tend to try to outweigh the good ones in my own mind, and then I am reminded that all works out according to God's plans.  So here I am.  Let me fill you in a little of our past 2 years.  I would like to say that our experience with Justin helped shape me, and prepare me to deal with what would lie ahead. 

I was offered a "dream" teaching job in a school where I did my student teaching.  I thought for sure that leaving our newly purchased beautiful "dream" home was the right thing to do.(Turns out I dream a lot!) :) There have been times where I look back and think, "maybe not so much" but it has brought us more blessings and opportunities for sure.

When I took this job, I thought that this is where God was calling us to be, that we would fit in, and live happily ever after in a small, close knit, community doing what I love, and living in yet again a very beautiful home, even if we don't own it.  Turns out that was not our happily ever after.  My first year of teaching went pretty well, with only one hard hit towards the end of the school year, and a miscarriage to boot.  That is where this "dream" started fading and my "dream" career was no longer a dream of mine.  I don't want to go into too many details as I want this post to be about speaking life not bitterness.  I am not bitter about the way things went as it allowed me an amazing opportunity to homeschool my beautiful children.  I have met some really great people that I love and cherish and I have met some other's that became lessons.  I cannot say that I am thankful for every situation, but I had to go through them to learn from them.  It also made me wake up and realize I still have the potential to dream on. 

Our son was taken out of a hard situation as well, and I know it all worked according to God's timing, even if I didn't think it was in tune with mine.  Seems He always has a way of doing things better, I doubt Him, (because I'm not always a quick learner), and once I finally come to my senses and remember His promises, that is the time that He really shows off; and He has done that for us big time.  I have to learn to quit doubting His grace, mercy, and love for me.

My second year of teaching was anything but a dream, and I realize that that is not where my heart lies, nor is it where God wants me to be right now.  I am grateful for the opportunity considering I went to school for it.  Had I not been given the opportunity I would have spent my life wondering if I missed out on something.  Don't get me wrong, I loved teaching, I love the children, but it is not the environment I am supposed to be in, and God knew that, as He always does.  I think there was a time when I should have been a teacher, and I got that chance, I know I made a difference in a few children's lives, as they did mine; but my time for teaching is done and it is time to dream on onto something different.  A dream where I can wear my heart on my sleeve, whether through a blog or through words, I didn't feel I could open up like I had in the past, and stopped writing completely, and endured yet another miscarriage.

We decided after I lost the job that it was time to move back to our dream house, find jobs there, take yet another leap of faith, and move back "home" to Iowa, (the land that I love).  :)  About a week before making it final Ryan was offered a job here we couldn't refuse.  I was excited....and crushed.  This is such an awesome opportunity for him, and yet we were once again in a place where we had to find a different dream, a brand new one in a place we weren't exactly welcome anymore, for situations out of our control. 

Then.....we found out we have to move.  This really was a blessing.  While we love our house we really need a change of scenery.  We have a month and no prospects...oh gosh.  Once again, my doubt and fear kicked in.  Once again, I felt sorry for myself, why do we always have to struggle?! I may have screamed that to the heavens on more than one occasion when the kids weren't around.  Then I was reminded of Philippians 1: 29-30 For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for Him, since you are going through the same struggle you saw I had, and now hear that I still have."  and also Phil 4:4-7 "rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all.  The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  

The next day we found a place, a least a potential place, nothing is certain yet, but I am thankful, so very thankful that God allows me to stand on His promises even when I am shouting out in fear and anger and every emotion that doesn't come from Him, and He reminds me that it is His plan that needs to come to pass, it is not my world to conquer. He's got this as He always does, and I need to learn to quit doubting, getting angry, or fearing the unknown.  He knows what He is doing. He made me a dreamer and I'm so thankful He did.  I am still finding myself in this world, (that I don't need to conquer), and in the mean time I may lose some battles; but that's okay...I still dream on.

Phil. 3:13-16
Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.  All of us, then, ho are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you.  Only let us live up to what we have already attained.

why your posts hurt SO much

I have stopped blogging for a long time for a couple of reasons, one of them being that we don't have WiFi at home so blogging on a tiny phone proves to be difficult,  the other is I'm always worried about doing or saying something wrong. I've learned a lot from this experince. I'm never going to do or say just the right thing. If someone doesn't like you, others won't like you. It doesn't matter who you are or what your heart is, what matters is what others say. So, if that's the case, " Be who you are and say what you feel because those you mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind." To quote the great Dr. Seuss.
I noticed quite a few really hurtful things today. One was titled " one dead child two foolish parents"  the thing is, this goes both ways. I have one dead child and Ryan and I were two foolish parents. The other was a doctor "so great" at giving a child shots.  So the question is why does this get me fired up? Why can't I let it go? Here's why.

I thought I was doing right by taking my child in for his wellness check ups, for getting him his shots. I was not the foolish parent, right?? Wrong! I held my screaming baby as they jabbed him with needles that we were told were to protect him. I did. I consoled him through the fever that was "normal". I did. I also woke up one morning to him not breathing. I did. I was one out of 5 who performed cpr. I did. I was the one praying and begging my son to wake up. I did. I wanted to see him look up at me one more time, I willed him to start breathing again. I did. I heard the dr. Say, "that's one sick baby". I did. I also heard the same dr. Tell me there was nothing he could do." I heard,"I'm sorry" I did. I left that hospital with empty arms and a guilty heart. I did. I picked out a baby casket. I did. I chose what blanket, what songs, what verses to share at his funeral. I did. I watched them put a 2 foot casket, that held my baby boy, in the ground.  did!!! So why do your posts offend me? Because you didn't!  And I pray to God no one else ever does. I heard "your child died from a brain hemorrhage caused by aluminum build up from the dtap" that I held him down for. I did. I held him. So the next time you post please keep my heart in mind. I do not blame myself I know it was out of my control, but it is still something I struggle with every day. I do. Next time you are mean to someone because a friend doesn't like them, remember their heart has already been through the wringer. Please remember.
I also have one very healthy daughter who has never been held down and jabbed with aborted fetal tissue, aluminum, mercury,bovine serum, etc. I do. I have a healthy daughter who has been to the Dr twice and an antibiotic for two days once in her whole life. I do. I have three kids who haven't been sick enough to take to the dr. In over a year. I do. I have twin nephews free from poison who have never been sick. I do. Please remember not every laugh is joyful and not every tear is worthy of sympathy. I'm not asking for sympathy,  I'm asking for compassion. For consideration. 

A Baby After SIDS

I've noticed on a lot of blogs that mother's stop writing after they have a baby; after they have had a baby pass away due to "SIDS".  I swore I would not be one of those mothers; that I would keep writing, because I wanted to know.  I wanted to know what it was like; but here I am; and I stopped writing  blogs after Hannah was born.  Life got busy! Life with three kids is not like life with two, so this blog is about life after "losing" a child.

I hate saying that I "lost" a child.  I did NOT "lose" a child.  I know where Justin is; Justin is with his Maker, Justin is with us, Justin is here. Just because I cannot hold him, feel him, watch him, does not mean that he is not here or a part of our family; he is, and always will be.  Life after Justin, however, is different.  Life after having a baby pass away is different! It is hard, it is joyful, it is life; it just is.  Life goes on; one way or another God makes life keep moving forward. 

Hannah is amazing.  She is bright-eyed, she is beautiful.  I see Justin in her; I see Jesus through her eyes.  She is wonderful.  Life after "SIDS" is scary.  You don't sleep. You worry about everything! You are always on your toes!  And with three little ones life is always, always, on the go! It's new jobs, it's a new house, it's a new baby, it's a new life, it's everything!!! And I wouldn't give her up for the world!!!

I have learned a lot of new things with Hannah; like you don't have to take a baby to the doctor if they are not sick.  You do not need vaccines; they are useless and dangerous, and YOU ABSOLUTELY, BEYOND ANYTHING ELSE, HAVE TO, HAVE TO, DO YOUR RESEARCH!!! If your child passed away due to "SIDS" or "SUID" go back and look at when they got their vaccines!! DO IT! 

Life after SIDS is hard, but it is amazing! I LOVE everything about every one of my children!  I am more informed about what I feed them, what I do to them, how I live my life with them.  Do not be scared of having another baby, it is a whole new world; an amazing life you never knew possible.  Hannah is absolutely, without a doubt, worth every heartache I have ever been dealt.

Guide to Parenting

I went to bed last night with a heavy heart.  After seeing some posts from a few friends on Facebook about how sick their little ones have been since vaccinating I want to just scream through the screen! "Please, please listen to me!  Don't let this happen to them!" I wish someone would have done that to me.

 I don't generally blame myself for what happened to Justin, but last night all I could think of were the "what ifs" what if I HAD done my research before hand, what if I hadn't taken him to the doctor that day and held him while the nurses jabbed a bunch of needles into him at the same time so "it wouldn't hurt as bad." What if I had listened to Riley when he told the doctor that the reason Justin wouldn't smile at him was because "he doesn't like you." I know that that is not a healthy way of thinking, but sometimes it just sneaks up on you.  I watched a VERY informative movie last night, that I encourage EVERYONE to watch!  It is called the Greater Good. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jtejYbV20-A

 I know it was all part of God's plan, and I KNOW I have a healthy, happy, poison free daughter because of all of this.

Jeremiah 29:11

New International Version (NIV)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

 I don't mean to question His plan, and I don't think I am, more so I was questioning my own parenting.  Sometimes, like most parents, I wish there was a Guide to Parenting Handbook; you know one that tells you what to do, including:

When you get a puppy make sure your 3 year old knows that the washing machine ISN'T for cleaning dirty puppies.
That plastic screwdrivers can and do cut through screens on windows and toddlers can and will climb out on the roof if left alone to clean their rooms for 15 minutes. 
Make sure you research anything and everything you inject into an infant or child.

Just to name a few.

I know that some of my friends think that I am pushy about vaccines, and I don't mean to be.  I really, really, just don't want to see another parent go through what we have.  I don't want another parent to go to bed with a heavy heart reliving the day they took their baby to the doctor, the day their child wouldn't stop screaming, the last time they got to snuggle with their baby, or the morning they found their child had gone to Heaven. 

I have realized that between May and August I struggle a LOT more than I think.  One night while laying in bed, for the 4th night in a row not able to sleep and waking up every hour, that I in fact am scared of the dark.  I am not scared of the monster under my bed or the boogie man in my closet, I'm not scared of ghosts or things that go bump in the night; I am scared of nighttime itself.  What happens when I'm not awake, what happens in the still of the night, what happens when I let my guard down for a minute; because one night, I did just that; and one night something awful happened.  And because of that one night, our world changed forever; we changed forever.  I don't think a day goes by that I don't think about that awful morning, or the snuggles the night before. 

So all you parents out there, please don't think I am being pushy; please, please, don't have an awful morning due to lack of knowledge. 

I found this song today after looking through some of the old comments, thank you Jamie for this!!! Here are the lyrics:

What is it like to be held in the same arms that hold the universe?

What is it like to sleep on the chest of the King of Heaven and Earth?

When you open your eyes and look on the face of the giver of life, the author of grace... Do you know?

That your days here changed everything. You're missed here and will always be. But you left here, the greatest gift of all. Cause our hearts ache for home...

What is it like to breathe in and breath out, Heavens glorious life? What is it like to be robed in perfection, no reason to cry?

When you feel on your face your fathers kiss, His welcome embrace we prayed for this.

You should know...

That your days here changed everything.
Your missed here and will always be
But you left here. The greatest gift of all.
Cause our hearts ache for home...

So twinkle twinkle little star
We will keep you in our hearts
Twinkle twinkle little star
we will meet you where you are...

Your days here changed everything. Your missed here and will always be.
But you left here... The greatest gift of all...

Cause our hearts ache....

For Home....

Beautiful...even in shambles

My 10 year high school reunion is coming up; I know I don't look a day over 18 right!? ;)  With that; lets reflect on the last 10 years... oh boy!  If you were to tell me at 17 that I would have to endure the heartbreak of losing a child, the martial issues Ryan and I have had, or that at one point I was so depressed that I took pills to just let "whatever happen, happen".  I can't say as I would be here right now.

 But, tell me that I would have a child in heaven watching over my two amazing, curious, clever, creative little boys to love here on earth, and a beautiful, smart, adorable, little princess, with a husband that sees me through it all; that would have made it all better.  Tell me that I would have any sort of relationship with my father, but a GREAT one at that; I might not have believed you. ;) 

I have a beautiful house, on the outside, on the inside, however, it is in shambles.  The entire house is torn apart.  We are painting, we are adding on to stairs, we are moving a kitchen from one room to another, we are making one room into two rooms and a bathroom, a kitchen into a den, a den into a living room, a living room into a bedroom...the list goes on and on, and if you were to step foot into our house right now you would think we are in way over our heads, (we are!)  :)  But much like my life; my house is in shambles to make it just that much more beautiful.  The house was beautiful to begin with, once we make it a mess, screw everything up, and put it back together it is going to be glorious!! That is what Jesus is doing with me; I am sure. 

My life was okay; then it was in shambles; and He took me to make me, mold me, to transform me; and while the process was, (and remains to be, sometimes) brutal, I can't wait to see the finished product.  He took a life to make it wonderful.  My life right now is wonderful; while my house is in shambles I can envision what it will be when we are (finally) done.  I couldn't see that when He was transforming me; but I'm glad He could. 

Life after losing a child is awful, and yet beautiful.  You will never hear me say those words together in a sentence again; but I have to say, that because Justin passed away, I cherish everyday with the blessings that only Jesus could give me.  I look at my children, and even if I am having an awful day, they do something clever, awesome, and beautiful; or my husband does something incredible; just out of the movies amazing.  I look at Hannah, and realize what a blessing she is; I see Jesus through her bright, tiny eyes.  I see His wonder, His glory, His work; I see Him.  I see Him in my children, I see Him when my husband brings home flowers for no reason; I see Him when my dad comes to work on my house.  Jesus surrounds me; He completes everything.  Nothing is done, and yet He is making everything glorious even in the shambles. 

I continue to be so amazed with God's work in me and my family; everyday it is something new, everyday is BEAUTIFUL! And for that I thank you Lord Jesus for making life beautiful even in shambles. 

Jeremiah 29:11

New International Version (NIV)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

New Blessings

I am so sorry, I have been meaning to write a blog for so long! I will be honest part of me wanted to post about our newest little blessing but fear always stopped me.  I was worried that as soon as I posted about how proud I am of her and how thankful I am that God gave me her, she would be taken as soon as I rejoiced about it.  Although, I understand that no matter how much I worry; God has a plan for her, whether it is here on earth or in Heaven, He has a plan.  I just pray, (hourly), that that plan means I get to keep her with me here on earth.  So I will start by telling you about our newest little blessing here on earth.  Hannah Grace Swick was born January 4, 2013 at 2:45AM 6lbs 10oz, (our biggest baby yet).  I will also tell you she is FULLY UNVACCINATED!!!!!!!! She didn't get the goop in her eyes, she didn't get her Hep. B shot at birth (I do not, nor have I ever done drugs, or used needles for that matter, or would there be any reason that I would have Hep. B)  they also test the mother's for that during pregnancy so there would be no reason for Hannah to have Hep. B or be treated for it.  If you are a new mother.....RESEARCH IT! If there is no reason for your child to be infected with Hep. B, do not get them the shot. It is pointless!  It is unneccessary.  Okay...I'm off my soapbox about the Hep B. or the "goop" they put in their eyes, which is contracted if the mother has gonorrhea (once again, not a concern of mine). 

Hannah is one of the most beautiful little girls I have ever laid eyes on.  She truly is a blessing; so sweet, so perfect, so sent from above.  She is ever mother's dream.  She is bright eyed, she is adorable, she is happy.  She is ten weeks old, she smiles and coos, and makes every day bright!  She really is everything I have ever hoped for; BUT with that I have to be absolutely honest.  It is TERRIFYING to have another baby after having a baby accepted into heaven so prematurely for my liking.  Hannah has slept through the night.  In fact last night, she slept for 6 1/2 hours.  Me on the other hand, slept for an hour at a time when I finally decided to just wake her up at 5:40AM.  Every hour I was awake, I was touching her making sure she was breathing.  I am consumed with fear.  I hate to admit that especially outloud.  I feel as though I might jinx myself.  In Justin's Jesus I professed that I had quite frequently told people, "If God were to take one of my children He might as well take me too,"  If I said that then and laid my fears out for everyone (including the devil to know/hear), what makes this worry any different?  Does the devil hear my fears also?  If I say them outloud does that make me more susceptible?  Does that mean that when I voice my fears the devil hears them and acts on them?  I don't know.   That's why I pray silently about my fears and worries.  However, I have come to the point in my life, and in Hannah's, that I realize I just cannot be that overcome.  I don't sleep, I over think, I make myself sick with worry; and it does no good for anybody.  I try to give up my fears, but like I have said before that is easier said than done. 

I am working on it.  I am so very very thankful for this new little blessing; and I ADORE AND CHERISH every moment I have with this beautiful little girl.  She is amazing!!!!

On to the next part....

Heaven's new blessing.  My grandmother had been suffering from dementia for the last 3 years.  We were planning on going down to see her to get a four generation picture; then life got in the way.  You know how it goes, especially in the winter; cold and flu season hits, you have newborn, your other kids are sick, the weather is awful, or you have family drama in the meantime.  Excuses, excuses.  We had finally set up a time to get down there; this weekend in fact, then I got a call: Granmda had fallen, (one week before our planned visit), she had broken her hip in 3 places, we might want to get down, as she was scheduled for surgery the next day and her 89 lb body just might not be able to take on that trauma.  We left after Ryan got home from work the night she fell.  We made it to Missouri at 1:30AM and decided it best not to just drive on to the hospital because grandma was already asleep.  We found out later her surgery was scheduled for 7:30 the next morning.  We got a call, said she made it through surgery just fine, but they just weren't sure she was going to be able to handle it, and she had about 15 minutes once they took out her oxygen source, and seeing as how we were still an hour and a half from the hospital, we might as well not come.  We were not going to get our picture, and grandma would never be able to meet her newest great granddaughter.  My little sister and I decided we were going to try anyway.  She wasn't quite "gone" yet and we would drive as far as we could until we got the call.  We later got a call saying that "grandma was holding on longer than they thought we should try to make it"  of course we were already planning on that and Hannah was in her carseat ready to go.  We got in the car, got gas, and went on our way; a little too distraught and too much in a hurry; we got on the interstate; my sister, my daughter, and myself.  I was driving.  I went to go pass a car; my mind on too many other things, and I didn't see a car in my blindspot.  I got scared, over corrected, and swerved....ALL OVER THE INTERSTATE! We finally came to a stop, in the ditch, facing on coming traffic, with the driver in a panic.  I about killed my daughter, my sister, and myself.  One thing different, if there had been a car behind us, a semi beside us, a deeper ditch; or a revean, we would have been gone; but we weren't.  My little sister, the whole 125 lbs that she is, pushed us out, drove us out, and within 5 minutes we were back on our way.  We sure had some pretty amazing angels watching over us that day.  Grandma sent them I'm sure.  We made it to the hospital, me a little more frantic than I was when we left; and Grandma was able to hold Hannah exactly 30 minutes before she took her last breath.  Heaven sure received their own little blessing that day. 

So while I am so thankful for my blessing, and missing the blessing received into heaven; I am still so amazed at all the work God does in people's lives that He shares with us.  Grandma I love you, you have been such an outstanding part of my life and I love you so much. Hannah, every day I am thankful for each breath you take, each smile you share with us, and each and everything about you.  Thank you Lord!!!

Pregnancy after SIDS

Matthew 6: 25-27 and 34
²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[a]?
³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

When we first decided not to continue with birth control and leave our future up to the Lord instead, I will be honest, it was a little frightening.  I wanted to know how other families felt when they made that choice, what the pregnancy was like, how they handled it both before and after the baby was born...and sadly Google just can't answer all of those questions; in fact no one knows how it will affect them until they are in that place themselves. 

I will be the first to admit pregnancy after SIDS is a whole new ballgame.  It comes with its own fears, its own joys, it is a whole new experience.  While we were so excited to find out that we were blessed with another little one it is down right scary, and too many times I have given into fear.  I know it is all in God's hands, either way, but there is always that uneasy feeling in the back of my mind and in the pit of my stomach....what if???

What if I don't feel the baby kick for an hour....well that question was answered last night....I panic, I cry, I think the worst.  We had a dr. appointment today, when I told the nurse she asked me if it was my first child, LOL.  Yes I was acting like a first time mom, like I had no clue what to expect.  The baby started kicking, reassuring me that all was okay; thank the Lord.  I need to stop doubting Him. 

We only have a few weeks left until our scheduled c-section and I feel myself becoming more and more cautious and worried about everything.  I knew it was bound to happen.  How are we going to sleep?  What if our worst nightmare happens again...what if, what if, what if.  I am reminded that I do not know what tomorrow holds, but thank the Lord, I know The One who holds tomorrow.  He has it under control, He knows my fears, He knows my heart, He knows my tomorrow; and He will hold me through all of it.  

So for those of you contemplating a baby after SIDS please know that it will always come with its own fears, but know that worrying isn't going to help you find the joy in that new little blessing, but take it away.  The Lord says, "do not fear for I am the Lord your God."  I am still learning this, obviously, worrying is not going to make tomorrow better, but take away my joy in today. 

For all of my prayer warriors, please keep us in your prayers these next few weeks, that the Lord will hold us up, take away our fears and replace it with hope, faith, and joy.  That this little one doesn't get too excited about his or her arrival and stays kickin' away in womb until January 18th...this may be a stretch as all of our children have gotten a little too anxious about joining the world.  Please pray for no NICU stays, for a healthy baby; for sleep, comfort, and peace; as we will be praying for all the other mommy's and daddy's out there dealing with fears of their own. 

I hope this blog finds you all well, and that you all have a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!