I Am

I'm not quite sure how to start this blog, and it going to be different than any other blog I have posted, but this is where my heart is being lead today.  Which is even a little hard to write down considering where I am going to go with this post.  I probably shouldn't say my "heart is being lead" anywhere, because then that leads to "feelings", and lately it seems like no one is supposed to feel anything.  We are supposed to put a smile on our face, (not necessarily because we are "happy", but because that is what is accepted), we are supposed to say the right things at the right time, and never have any emotional attachment to anything we say or do.  I am not one of those people.  I feel, and most times I wear those feelings on my sleeve, (or better yet, on my blog). 
It's okay to talk about how I am "hurting" because I am no longer able to hold my baby, watch him grow up, or see his smile, but it is not okay to say that I am "hurt" or even worse "angered" by things that go on around me.  It seems to me like we cannot be "happy" about something because then we are being boastful, we cannot be "sad" because then we are just being pitiful or wanting sympathy, we cannot be "hurt" because that shows weakness, and by no means are we allowed to be "angry" because it might upset someone.  I do not want this to be a negative blog, and I know that that is how it sounds right now, and for that I am sorry.  I guess what I really want to get across in this post, is that it IS okay to feel, and I feel A LOT. 
I am..Happy, I am happy that I have a wonderful husband, great kids, and an extremely supportive group of family and friends
I am...Joyful, I am joyful that my maker in Heaven is holding my baby, keeping him safe and singing him lullabies, I am joyful that he has shown himself to me during this time of heartache, and that he carries me through this storm.  I am Joyful
I am...Hurting, I am hurting that I don't get to physically have Justin in my life, I am hurting that there are other mommies and daddies out there that are heartbroken that they don't get to physically have their children with them either. I am hurting that some of those parents don't get the support we have, and I am hurting that we do have "leaders" that aren't leading.  I am hurting.
I am...angry,  I am angry that other mommies chose not to have their babies, and I am angry that some mommies have their babies and don't appreciate them or take the time to love them.  I am angry.
I am...humbled.  I am humbled knowing that this is all according to God's righteous plan.  That once I get to Heaven, I will not be hurting, I will not be angry, I will only be joyful and singing his praises. 

I am a lot of things.  I am a woman with heart, I am a woman with a backbone, I am a woman of faith, and I am a woman with a voice; and I will continue to speak with faith, joy, and yes sometimes even anger, if that's what the situation calls for.  I am a woman that God made, just this way.  Not that I do not have things I need to work on and lessons to learn, I do, and there are (lessons I need to learn), and I will continue learning and growing, because I am still on earth, and God is not done with me yet, I still have a purpose, and my feelings have purpose, so I am who I am because God is the great I AM!

Luke 6:45
"A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart"