Sometimes I feel as if I have no one to turn to. Don't get me wrong, I have an amazing support system, wonderful friends, an awesome family, and an amazing husband; but at the same time they are all going through the same things I am. Ryan and I talk about "it" every so often, but when we get too deep into Justin, his life and his passing, it becomes too hard for both of us; what ultimately happens is that we each have our own pain, and when we start to talk about it, we start to feel each other's pains also, then what we do is take on each others' pain, and it becomes too much for each of us to bear. Sometimes I just don't know where to turn.
Like I said, I do have a great family and an awesome support system, but at the same time you can hide that pain from....well everyone...if you are good at it. Everyone says they are they for you, and they are! They really are! If I were just to call someone up and say,"today I'm really hurting", they would talk me through it without skipping a beat...but how do you do that? How do you show that pain, that kind of vulnerabilty?
Some people are really good at just asking for it; I am not one of those people. I don't know how to do that, I don't know how to ask for help in that way; when people see me; especially after reading Justin's Jesus, they think, "wow she has awesome faith and is handling it so well" and I do and I am. I hold tight to my faith, Jesus has pulled me out of the water many times, and carried me through the hardest times of my life...but what about the rest? What happens when I am not so strong, when I am not "handling it well", or I am really hurting, but don't talk about it...what then? Sometimes, I will be honest, I just don't know.
I usually find my answer while writing my blog, and by the end of it I have the answer, or at least feel a little more at peace. I'm sorry I can't end it this way, sometimes, even people with the strongest of faith, are just at a loss. I know that I will be okay. I know that tomorrow is a new day, and the warm breeze that feels like May, will just feel like an extra warm breeze blowing in March, God will make it okay.
Like I said, I do have a great family and an awesome support system, but at the same time you can hide that pain from....well everyone...if you are good at it. Everyone says they are they for you, and they are! They really are! If I were just to call someone up and say,"today I'm really hurting", they would talk me through it without skipping a beat...but how do you do that? How do you show that pain, that kind of vulnerabilty?
Some people are really good at just asking for it; I am not one of those people. I don't know how to do that, I don't know how to ask for help in that way; when people see me; especially after reading Justin's Jesus, they think, "wow she has awesome faith and is handling it so well" and I do and I am. I hold tight to my faith, Jesus has pulled me out of the water many times, and carried me through the hardest times of my life...but what about the rest? What happens when I am not so strong, when I am not "handling it well", or I am really hurting, but don't talk about it...what then? Sometimes, I will be honest, I just don't know.
I usually find my answer while writing my blog, and by the end of it I have the answer, or at least feel a little more at peace. I'm sorry I can't end it this way, sometimes, even people with the strongest of faith, are just at a loss. I know that I will be okay. I know that tomorrow is a new day, and the warm breeze that feels like May, will just feel like an extra warm breeze blowing in March, God will make it okay.
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I would relate this as transition to your new identity. I so relate to your words today.
ReplyDeleteGod has laid a new journey for us, He has blessed us with feelings that only we can experience through Him. We so want to reach out through our own pain, to help others, be there for our beloved spouses, children, family and friends. then there are just moments that seems He brings us into His arms and says, "Child you are mine, this is for only you to experience through Me. Embellish upon My word and My love for you."
That warm spring breeze is a simple reminder of the Holy Spirit that surrounds us daily.<3
Thank you so much, I needed that gentle reminder to just feel His presence. Thank you, thank you, for this comment.
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