Friday, March 2, 2012
Trying to catch my spirit
I feel like I am in a daze, with my human form trying to catch up with my spirit. My body is tired, my mind weary, but my soul on the other hand is alive and vibrant. I feel like Peter Pan trying to catch his shadow. Although I am a human trying to catch my spirit.
My human body and mind wants to think about where I would be if that "dreadful day" never happened, if August 11, 2011 was just another "insignificant" day. Where would I be? I would be putting three kids down for a nap, I would wake up to cooing and babbles, I would still have diapers on my shopping list, and three carseats in the back of the explorer. My life would be crazy with three kids under the age of five, and busy with trying to keep up with all of them.
Instead, August 11, 2011 was not an "insignificant" day, it was a day that change our lives forever. Now instead of listening to baby babbles, I hear SIDS advocates babble and blame parents for "unsafe sleeping procedures" point the finger, and demand answers that just aren't there, (and that is not nearly as joyful or rewarding), diapers are not on our shopping list, and we have room for one more passenger in our explorer. Life is busy with a book about our son's passing and crazy with book signings, press releases, and interviews.
Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful for all that God has given me, the purposes He has shown me, and answers to questions and prayers, that I probably don't deserve, but my body and soul are in two different places right now. My soul is joyful and singing of God's praises. My soul is not tired or weary because my soul is what contains my faith; however my soul is so far ahead of my human shell right now that I hoping someday I will be able to catch up with it.
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I absolutely understand! Sometimes I too feel that my spirit moves much faster than me physically and it is all I can do to BEGIN moving in that direction, let alone catch up with it! It still saddens me tremendously to feel the pain which is so apparent in your blogs, Mary. Everytime I come to this page I look at Justin's picture and think....why does he always look the same?? Shouldn't he be growing up and shouldn't his mother be putting up new photos?? It seems so unfair. I just want to yell and ask God why he chose OUR little Justin...but then again, my spirit moves faster and it knows that we are BLESSED because he took our little Justin. You said it so perfectly when you said that he would never feel the pain of this earth, heartache, or sorrow....and I am so thankful for that. I wish that I could take away that pain for you little sister. It makes my heart weary and sometimes I cannot understand how you carry on so well...but remember, it IS ok to break down once in a while...it IS ok to shed a few tears now and again...and it IS ok to wonder sometimes, why He had to pick YOUR son. I am glad that you have your blogs to express yourself, and even happier that they help countless others who have suffered. You are an inspiration to many, Mary. Wonderfully written blog today.
ReplyDeleteI can very much relate to this blog today. When one very seriously seeks God's will, making themselves open to even the most remote possibilities, it sometimes becomes overwhelming with His response. Why have you chosen me for this purpose? It is exhausting, physically and emotionally. Although, if this is really His plan and His purpose, He will provide the strength and the will to bring His plan to fruition.
ReplyDelete"But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 41:31
Oops! Typo ... that reference should have been Isaiah 40:31.
ReplyDeleteI love how you always find the exact verse I need to put it all together!!! Thank you! :)
ReplyDeleteExactly! and thank you for understanding, yes sometimes it is hard, I guess I just have to realize not to pay attention to my human shell and focus on where my spirit is heading. :) Love you
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