Informed and Educated

*THIS POSTING IS NOT INTENDED TO OFFEND, TO BLAME, OR TO START AN UPROAR; RATHER TO SHARE WITH YOU OUR RESEARCH AND FINDINGS, AND TO ENCOURAGE OTHERS TO DO THEIR OWN RESEARCH ON THIS TOPIC*

I just heard of a little one who passed away, and while that is heartbreaking enough in itself; what is even more heartbreaking and disturbing to me is the fact that this baby had just received her four month shots earlier that morning. 

As a year is quickly approaching this hits home, HARD.  I have posted before that I am at peace with Justin's passing, and that has not changed. I also whole-heartedly believe that God has a plan and purpose for everything, and that His timing is immaculate.  I was NOT looking for answers to what caused Justin's death, and I still am not.  I just "happened" to stumble across, (a God thing) the correlation between SIDS/SUID and vaccines one day, and also had recently been given people in my life that knew far more about this than I ever knew they did.  When I found out this information was not an accident, God doesn't make those, but it was His percise timing.  This information was presented to me when and exactly the way it should have been, at a time when I could handle it, do something with it, and at a time in my life when my faith and peace could not be shaken.  The Lord shows me in so many ways how Justin, his story, his life, and even his passing has had such a profound impact and purpose on so many things, and so many people.  I do feel that part of that purpose, and part of me "stumbling" across certain information was so that I could bring it to other's attention as well.  Some may be offended by my research, and others will be thankful for it. 

I ask that no one just believes what I say, but to research the information themselves, and make a decision that is best for them; but with that I also hope that they do not just believe what other "educated" people say either, and once again take the time to look into it themselves, and make their own choices in this matter.  I am "educated" in elementary education, however does that mean that I am a better teacher than a mother who home-schools her children, but does not have a paper that says she is "educated" in this field? Not at all.  It means that I have read the books, taken the classes, and used the curriculum handed to me. In all honestly, that curriculum tells me exactly what to say and when to say it, but in order to be a great teacher, I would still have to know my students, their strengths, their weaknesses, and take opportunities to further their education and embrace the teachable moments even if they are not scripted for me.  I feel that it is necessary in every profession, to go beyond the education provided in a classroom and in textbooks. 

We can be told what to say, how to say it, what to do, and how to do it; but if we do not take the time to research why we are doing it and what/whom it benefits, (or hurts), we are not fully educated; and are robbing ourselves of vital information, necessary to grow in our profession.  With that said, here are my findings, explanations, research, and where I started with this information. 

I do not blame the doctor or the nurse that administered the vaccines, nor do I blame myself for not looking further in to the vaccines before getting my children vaccinated; I do however, hope that with this information other's will take the time to educate themselves as well.  I am sure I am going to have quite a few nasty comments on this blog, and that is okay, all I ask is that you keep your comments clean.  If you do not like my research or my findings, that is also okay, and by no means do you need to read any further.  For those of you that are interested, I hope this information is beneficial to you. 

I understand that the benefits vs. the risks factor need to be taken into consideration while making a decision on this topic; that is why we have done so much research.  I also am fully aware that there are risks to everything from driving to swimming, however, I am not going to text, drink coffee, and change the radio station all at the same time, while driving, just to increase my risks of getting into an accident; nor will I put floaty wings on my children and place them in the "deep end" of the pool just to see if they will work well enough to hold their head above water,  to test out the risk factor.  Just to drive the point home, here is a quote from Dr. J Anthony Morris, "There is a great deal of evidence to prove that immunization of children does more harm than good." Dr J Anthony Morris, former Chief Vaccine Control Officer and research virologist, US FDA


The main things that I have heard from pro-vaccine individuals is that it is proven that vaccines have had a substantial impact on the decline of deadly diseases and outbreaks, the truth behind that is in our research.  The diseases were already on a massive decline; graphs below.  Another is that whooping cough is an epidemic outbreak that needs to be handled immediately through vaccines, however they have never been proven to work as intended, and most children who have contracted the illness, had been vaccinated for it. I also hear a lot of talk about money being behind all of it, (generally from people disputing this fact) I am not saying anything about money, I never have.  I have not done any research on the monetary value of vaccines, therefore I will not pretend that I know anything about it; money is not my focus when it comes to vaccine research.  One more thing, the CDC(Center for Disease Control) actually has a compensation program for families who have been affected by adverse reactions to vaccines...meaning...they PAY people for vaccine injuries.  If vaccines are not dangerous what is the need for, and why do we have a program to pay for the injuries they have caused?  Just a little food for thought.  The National Childhood Vaccine Injury Act (NCVIA) of 1986 (42 U.S.C. §§ 300aa-1 to 300aa-34) was enacted in the United States to reduce the potential financial liability of vaccine makers due to vaccine injury claims. The legislation was aimed at ensuring a stable market supply, and to provide cost-effective arbitration for vaccine injury claims. Under the NCVIA, the National Vaccine Injury Compensation Program (NVICP) was created to provide a federal no-fault system for compensating vaccine-related injuries or DEATHby establishing a claim procedure involving the United States Court of Federal Claims and special masters

This information comes to you from concerned and educated parents.  Our son Justin Ryker Swick passed away on August 11, 2011; and some recent research and acquired knowledge have led us to some answers we were not expecting to receive.  Justin had been administered his two month vaccines on July 25, 2011, he passed away 16 days later.  Just a couple of days prior to Justin’s passing he developed a cough, most likely induced by the DTaP vaccine.  After recent study and research we are fully convinced these vaccinations played a very major role in the passing of our youngest son, and we will provide information to you that proves the chances of this being true to be very great in numbers.  We are not blaming the doctor, the medical staff, or ourselves for not doing this research prior, and believe that God has a plan for all of our lives and trust in that plan and His timing.  However, we are sure you are unaware of the facts and the research, as we could not imagine anyone administering such toxic substances into infants knowing of the adverse effects that causes so many problems, and in a lot of cases, such as ours; death.  After being presented with this information we went through our records, to find that both our older children also had extreme reactions to their vaccines at two-months of age.  Our eldest son, was admitted to the E.R. with respitory problems, a high fever, and vomiting just shortly after receiving his two month shots.  Our middle child was put on a nebulizer just a week after being given his, and then also developed a number of allergies. 

  We are made to trust doctors, as doctors trust the pharmaceutical companies that place these drugs into the hands of doctors and nurses to administer to young children and infants.  A lot of parents, like we once did, believe that it is just “routine,” to take your child in for his/her two, four, six month shots etc., that the doctors and pharmaceutical companies have our children’s  best interest at heart.  While this may still be true, there seems to be a lack of knowledge being presented to doctors, nurses, and parents on this matter.  We are out to change that. 

We sincerely hope that in light of this new information you will also take some time to do some research into these harmful, even fatal, toxins that are being injected into the children around the U.S. and most importantly in our community.  These children are our future and what we do to them and with them today will make the difference in tomorrow.  We could have a future of great doctors, nurses, and educators, if we show them how to research on their own, not follow everything that is told to them, and show them that we are there for them; with their well-being being first in our hearts and minds.

Once again we are not out to place blame, as we too could have, (and should have), done our own research on the matter of what we expose our children to.  There is nothing we can do about Justin’s passing, he is safe in the arms of Jesus, and we have peace with that.  We really would just like you to take a few moments to see and read some of the information we found, as it may save the life of another child. 
 

Here is a list of other doctors who have done their own research and gained insight on the severity of the effects of vaccinating children, and a web address with their information. These doctors are willing to stand up against poisoning our youth, and are now anti-vaccine.  I hope you will join them.

Mayer Eisenstein, MD, JD, MPH
Suzanne Humphries, MD

Sherri Tenpenny, DOAlexander Kotok, MD, PhD
Demetra Vagias, MD, ND
Harold Buttram, MD
Jayne Donegan, MBBS
Juan Manuel Martinez Mendez, MD
Kris Gaublomme, MD
Robert Davidson, MD, PhD

Nick Haas

 http://www.vaccinationcouncil.org/about/ 

Picture from http://vran.org

SIDS STUDIES:

A study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association* found that children diagnosed with asthma (a respiratory ailment not unlike SIDS) were five times more likely than not to have received pertussis vaccine.(1) Another study found that babies die at a rate eight times greater than normal within three days after getting a DTap shot.(2) The three primary doses of DTaP are given at two months, four months, and six months. About 85 percent of SIDS cases occur at one through six months, with the peak incidence at age two to four months.

In a recent scientific study of SIDS, episodes of apnea (cessation of breathing) and hypopnea (abnormally shallow breathing) were measured before and after DTaP vaccinations. "Cotwatch" (a precise breathing monitor) was used, and the computer printouts it generated (in integrals of the weighted apnea-hypopnea density -- WAHD) were analyzed. The data clearly shows that vaccination caused an extraordinary increase in episodes where breathing either nearly ceased or stopped completely. These episodes continued for months following vaccinations. Dr. Viera Scheibner, the author of the study, concluded that "vaccination is the single most prevalent and most preventable cause of infant deaths."

In another study of 103 children who died of SIDS, Dr. William Torch, of the University of Nevada School of Medicine at Reno, found that more than two-thirds had been vaccinated with DPT prior to death. Of these, 6.5 percent died within 12 hours of vaccination; 13 percent within 24 hours; 26 percent within three days; and 37, 61, and 70 percent within one, two, and three weeks, respectively. He also found that SIDS frequencies have a bimodal-peak occurrence at two and four months -- the same ages when initial doses of DTap are administered to infants.(4)

Excerpted from:
Vaccines: Are They Really Safe and Effective?
by Neil Z. Miller *all citations are recorded in the book

http://www.thinktwice.com/sids.htm

The National Childhood Vaccine Injury Act (NCVIA) of 1986 (42 U.S.C. §§ 300aa-1 to 300aa-34) was enacted in the United States to reduce the potential financial liability of vaccine makers due to vaccine injury claims. The legislation was aimed at ensuring a stable market supply, and to provide cost-effective arbitration for vaccine injury claims. Under the NCVIA, the National Vaccine Injury Compensation Program (NVICP) was created to provide a federal no-fault system for compensating vaccine-related injuries or DEATH by establishing a claim procedure involving the United States Court of Federal Claims and special masters

Some people find it suspicious that the peak incidence of SIDS occurs between 2-4 months, just when the first two series of shots are given. No explanation has ever been given for why the rate is lower in the second month of life than in the third through fifth. On the other hand, vaccine manufacturers attribute this to ‘coincidence’ and the general consensus is that SIDS happens to peak at 2-4 months, which just happens to be when the first shots are given. Adding to concerns is the fact that SIDS decreased to almost nothing following a postponement of DTaP to age 2 years in the Japanese vaccination schedule, and rose again when the vaccine was once again given starting at 2 months.

"Delay of DPT immunization until 2 years of age in Japan has resulted in a dramatic decline in adverse side effects. In the period of 1970-1974, when DPT vaccination was begun at 3 to 5 months of age, the Japanese national compensation system paid out claims for 57 permanent severe damage vaccine cases, and 37 deaths. During the ensuing six year period 1975-1980, when DPT injections were delayed to 24 months of age, severe reactions from the vaccine were reduced to a total of eight with three deaths. This represents an 85 to 90 percent reduction in severe cases of damage and death. (Ref21)."---Raymond Obomsawin, MD

http://www.whale.to/m/quotes17.html

When infants die it is extremely difficult to say that it was due to vaccine or any cause. So it is usually labeled as SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome). Out of all of these 34 countries, the U.S. gives more doses of vaccine than any other country and it has the highest mortality rate. They give 26 doses of vaccines when the study was done (2009).

The lowest amount of doses of vaccines given by these countries is 12 doses. Sweden, Japan, Iceland, Finland, Norway and Denmark are all the countries giving 12 doses. Comparing that to their IMR they rank 2nd lowest (Sweden), 3rd, 4th, 6th, 7th and 18th respectively. The chart shows how as the number of vaccine doses goes up, so does the infant mortality rate. For the complete information on all the research done on this go to http://www.nvic.org/getdoc/a8091d95-aa9e-41d7-a34c-49079545226d/Infant-Mortality-study.aspx

In case you want to choose to not get one of the vaccines here is further information on the DPT, and yes even DTap vaccine (diphtheria-pertussis-tetanus toxoid). They found that two-thirds of the babies that died of SIDS had gotten the DPT vaccine. Of these, 6.5% died within 12 hours of vaccination; 13% within 24 hours; 26% within 3 days; 37% within a week; 61% within 2 weeks and 70% within 3 weeks.

In 1979, Sweden abandoned the whooping cough vaccine due to its ineffectiveness. Out of 5,140 cases in 1978, it was found that 84% had been vaccinated three times! (BMJ 283:696-697, 1981)

In 1978, a survey of 30 States in the US revealed that more than half of the children who contracted measles had been adequately vaccinated. (The People’s Doctor, Dr R Mendelsohn)

The ABC news said this but it was in 2008 (Feb 29, 2008). That is 7 years after the CDC said that thimerosal was not in any childhood vaccines:

At a town hall meeting Friday in Texas, Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., declared that "there’s strong evidence" that thimerosal, a mercury-based preservative that was once in many childhood vaccines, is responsible for the increased diagnoses of autism in the U.S. — a position in stark contrast with the view of the medical establishment.

McCain was responding to a question from the mother of a boy with autism, who asked about a recent story that the U.S. Court of Federal Claims and the National Vaccine Injury Compensation Program had issued a judgment in favor of an unnamed child whose family claimed regressive encephalopathy and symptoms of autism were caused by thimerosal.

Dr Viera Scheibner, retired Principal Research Scientist for the NSW [New South Wales] Government with a doctorate in Natural Sciences, has published 3 books and some 90 scientific papers in refereed scientific journals in Australia and overseas during her distinguished career.

...the link between vaccine injections and cot death became painfully obvious.

"Following this finding, Dr Scheibner studied some 30,000 pages of medical papers dealing with vaccination. She found no evidence that vaccines are safe or effective. Vaccines are highly noxious. They contain formaldehyde, aluminium phosphate, thiomersal (mercury compound), foreign proteins (antigens) and contaminating animal proteins and viruses from the tissues used as growth medium to culture the viral and bacterial components of vaccines. None of these substances should ever be injected into human beings. They erode the immune system and alter the immunological response to diseases.

The appearance of many new, autoimmune diseases like asthma, affecting alarming numbers of children, childhood leukaemia, and cancer, the enormous upsurge in the incidence of cerebral palsy and infantile convulsions seen in children of vaccination age and not before, should all be taken as serious warnings. Infectious diseases contracted at the appropriate age and allowed to run their course are beneficial because they serve to prime and mature the child's immune system.

The overwhelming evidence from the numerous human clinical and epidemiological studies cited by Dr Scheibner demonstrates beyond any doubt the dangers and ineffectiveness of vaccinations and her book is a most valuable contribution towards exposing the myth of vaccinations.

http://chuck-bluestein.hubpages.com/hub/Do-Vaccines-Kill-Infants

The only safe vaccine is a vaccine that’s never used.

Dr James A Shannon, US National Institutes of Health

There is a great deal of evidence to prove that immunization of children does more

harm than good.

Dr J Anthony Morris, former Chief Vaccine Control Officer and research virologist, US FDA

VRAN knows of many cases of children severely damaged or dead due to vaccinations.

In the 1980’s, pediatrician, Robert Mendelsohn, MD voiced his concern: “There is growing suspicion that immunization against relatively harmless childhood diseases may be responsible for the dramatic increase in autoimmune diseases since mass inoculations were introduced. These are fearful diseases such as cancer, leukemia, rheumatoid arthritis, multiple sclerosis, Lou Gehrig’s disease, lupus erythematosus, and the Guillain-Barre syndrome.” Some children experience no vaccine reaction but most do react. Mild, short-lived effects like redness or swelling at the injection site are very common. Reactions up to a few days or weeks after vaccination may include a temperature of 38oC or higher, irritability, severe diarrhea and/or vomiting, excessive sleepiness, periods of breathlessness during sleep

(apnea), irregular heartbeat, swollen joints, widespread rash, wheezing, collapse, high pitched screaming for several hours, convulsions, bulges in the soft spots of the head and a severe change of consciousness. These reactions may indicate that damage has been done or is about to occur. In the case of anaphylaxis, the damage occurs immediately after the shot, with little or no warning. Other possible damage that may not show itself until days, weeks, months or years later includes: neurological illness such as autism, learning and attention deficit disorders, hearing or visual impairment and the epilepsy that Marina suffers; autoimmune diseases such as insulin dependent diabetes, arthritic conditions and chronic fatigue syndrome; allergies; and thyroid dysfunction.(1) An interesting statement is made in the May 2001 monograph (package insert) for ‘Prevnar’ pneumococcal vaccine. It says that in a study conducted between 1991 and 1998 in eleven pediatric centers across Canada, “the proportion of

children with an underlying condition increased with age, from 15.9% in those under 2 years of age to 30.4% in those 2-5 years of age, and to 44.5% in those over 5 years of age”. There has been great consternation recently about a huge increase in autism and related disorders, due, increasingly

more evidence is suggesting, to the thimerosal in vaccines and/or autoimmune vaccine reactions or neurological reactions that lead to demyelination, ie erosion of the protective covering of nerve fibres which transmit messages. MMR and Hepatitis B vaccines are being studied intensively for neuroimmune

effects. In 2002 the Vancouver law firm, Klein Lyons, launched the first Canadian lawsuits regarding eurological damage to children from thimerosal in DPT and Hepatitis B vaccines. At that time many similar lawsuits had already been initiated in the USA. Anaphylaxis is an adverse reaction to vaccination that is recognized by health authorities. Previously unheard of life threatening allergies to things like peanuts are now an everyday problem for schools and parents who must avoid even minute traces of such allergens in an affected child’s lunches and those of classmates.

http://vran.org/wp-content/documents/VRAN-Vaccination-What-You-Need-To-Know.pdf

 For the vision is yet for an appointed time and it hastens to the end [fulfillment]; it will not deceive or disappoint. Though it tarry, wait [earnestly] for it, because it will surely come; it will not be behindhand on its appointed day. Habakkuk 2: 3

Thus says the Lord, In an acceptable and favorable time I have heard and answered you, and in a day of salvation I have helped you; and I will preserve you and give you for a covenant to the people, to raise up and establish the land [from its present state of ruin] and to apportion and cause them to inherit the desolate [moral wastes of heathenism, their] heritages. Isaiah 49: 8

For we are God's [own] handiwork (His workmanship), recreated in Christ Jesus, [born anew] that we may do those good works which God predestined (planned beforehand) for us [taking paths which He prepared ahead of time], that we should walk in them [living the good life which He prearranged and made ready for us to live]. Ephesians 2:10

 

Being Punished?

I feel like I have retreated into my shell the past couple of weeks.  I don't know if it was Justin's Memorial, or just the fact that we are living our first May-August, or the dread of the upcoming August 11th; maybe I'm just trying to not stress about anything with being newly pregnant; probably a little of everything.  But all of a sudden I just didn't have anything to say....to anyone. I stopped calling people, stopped blogging, I was just kind of here, going through the motions. 

That sounds a lot more dramatic than it actually is.  If you run into me on the street, I'm not down and depressed.  I am still enjoying my life, cherishing my children, spending quality time with my husband, and reveling in the fact that I have another little blessing growing inside me.  It just seems that if you scratch the surface, even just a little, I am a little more melancholy and numb. 

I think I subconsciously decided that I was not going to think about anything painful for...the next couple of months, maybe?  I don't know.  I don't know if I was doing that because I thought the pain would be too great right now in May-August, or if it was because I didn't want to stress out the first few months of pregnancy.  Either way I pushed all of those feelings down somewhere, believing that I could just suppress them for awhile, I guess.  The funny thing about suppressing feelings though, is that the only thing that really does is makes you not think about the positive in situations.  The negative thoughts are bound to pop up whether you like it or not, but because you are not "thinking" about things, you are not arming yourself with the positive thoughts to counteract those evil ones. 

All of a sudden I kept wondering if I was being punished for something; if that is why we couldn't keep our baby, when other's get to keep theirs.  I'm not sure where this thought came from, (well I know exactly who placed the thought there,) but I don't remember ever thinking that before.  And once again this sounds dramatic, and it really wasn't.  It was just kind of in the back of my mind a few too many times that I was forced to acknowledge it's prescence.  Which of course led to, "Did I do something really terrible to receive such a horrific punishment?" "Am I that awful of a person that I deserved this to happen?"  "How did I make God that mad??"

These were just thoughts invading my mind, I knew in my heart that my God is not like that. But because I had chosen not to "think" I wasn't prepared for those accusing thoughts, and just let them fester in my head.  I don't think I realized quite how much it was affecting me until we were at church Sunday. As I looked at the bulletin and the outline of the church service I realized that the closing song happened to be, "Jesus Loves Me" and something hit me; all of a sudden I needed a little hope, a little light, a little feeling of some kind because I had become so numb lately.

"Jesus Loves Me," always reminds me of Justin. I sang that song to the boys for the first time the night Justin passed away, we sang it at his funeral, and then again at his memorial.  It is such an innocent song, with a lot of meaning.  It is the epitome of a child's christian song, that I think sticks with you into your adult years.  For me, singing "Jesus Loves Me," it takes me back to being a child and hearing, or realizing, for the first time that JESUS LOVES ME.  It's just an innocence that sticks with you.

After seeing that song in the bulletin, I prayed that Pastor T.J's message would speak directly to me. I prayed that the Holy Spirit would work in a way just for me, open my mind, my heart, and my ears that I would be able and willing to listen to what I needed to hear from the Lord that day.  Did you know that the Lord hears your prayers??? ;)

Pastor T.J's message last Sunday was on the unconditional love that God has for us.  That it is not what we do, or don't do, it's not what we say or don't say, it's nothing we have control over. God loves us the same...all the time...regardless.  Are there things I can do or don't do that are pleasing to God? Sure!  But it doesn't make Him love me any more.  Are there things that I say or don't say that are not pleasing to Him, and even disappoint Him? Oh yes! But that doesn't make Him love me any less.  He loves me the same today as He did the day I was born, the day Justin was born, the day Justin went to be with Him; nothing has changed that.   I am not any better or  any worse than anyone else.  My sins are not less than or greater than the next mommy's. My life is not easier or harder than anyone elses.  Every single one of us has had devasting heartbreaks and insurmountable joys.  Some of us feel the heartbreak that comes with the passing of a child, others a parent, a sibling, or a spouse.  Some of us it's bankruptcy, or the loss of a job, or a friend.  Either way pain is pain.   And every one of us has been dealt pain; but every one of us has experienced joy as well.  Whether it is a new baby, a new love, a new job.  There is joy. We are not being punished we are all just handed different circumstances in our lives to grow from and learn from, and handling it in the best way we know how.

There is a way I am supposed to live my life, a set of rules I am told to follow, it is all there in the Good Book, but the Lord knows that it is not a matter of "if" I fail them, or even when I will falter.  He knows that already, He forgives me, and it does not change the love He has for me.

 I am not being punished. If I were punished in the way I deserve for all of my sins, I would have taken that beating on the Cross, and not be gauranteed a home in Heaven, but the Lord saved me from that. I am not being punished because Jesus took the beating on the cross.  He died so that I would not be punished.  “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1) "Because of the sacrifice of Christ, God sees only the righteousness of Christ when He looks at us. Our sin has been nailed to the cross with Jesus, and we will never be punished for it."  This is just all part of a plan that is so much bigger than my own.  I am not punished I am blessed.  I am blessed everyday that I wake up healthy, with happy, healthy, beautiful family, my children, my husband, my family and friends, food on the table, a roof over our heads, and clothes to wear.  I am blessed.

Ephesians 2:8
For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God

Little Blessings

When we found our we were pregnant with Justin we decided to not to let everyone know for a few months.  Looking back on it now, I wish we would have shouted it from the rooftops as soon as we found out.  I'm not sure why we didn't tell people right away, although I think it was just being worried about what people would think.  Here we were trying to start fresh right after graduating college, moving into a new home, with only one income, no teaching jobs in sight, and on top of other things we decided to have another child.  I could only imagine what people were thinking.  I'm not sure why it bothered me, but it did, so we kept it a "secret," well as long as we could anyway, it's not something you can hide for long. 

That is why with this baby we decided to tell people right away, I left balloons on Ryan's truck with a note and the test, he came home from lunch, he called his people, I called mine, :) and then we told the world via facebook and the blog. :)  All in all it took about 3 hours for EVERYONE to know.

 We are excited, just as we were excited when we found out we were pregnant with Justin; and we were going to shout it from the rooftops this time.  There may be some people out there that think it is too soon for us to have another baby, or that we are trying to fill the void of losing Justin by having another one, or just that we are being completely ridiculous in ever having another considering the circumstances that happened last time.  It's okay that people think that, I won't lie, when we were thinking about taking no preventative measures as far as getting pregnant, a few times those same thoughts crept into my mind.

 I just pushed them away, prayed, and prayed, and prayed, and put my trust in God's timing.  If He wanted us to have another baby we would in His time.  Don't get me wrong.  There were a few times, I would break down, trying to get people to understand how empty my arms felt.  Empty arms is worse than baby fever! I'm not even sure how to explain it. 

There is no way anything, even a new baby, could fill the void that was left after Justin's passing.  Justin has his own little space in our hearts, his own memories, his own smell, his own way.  Justin was, and will always be, a one of a kind baby that we were blessed with, even for only a short time.  But with that being said, sometimes it feels like he was physically stolen from my arms, and at those times, I just want to hold a baby, our baby.  Does that make sense? 

I know I will not be able to hold Justin again until God calls me home.  This baby is not Justin.  We are not filling Justin's spot with another baby. But to be honest, I cannot wait to feel the weight of baby in my arms again, a baby God made in the "secret place" just for us, a baby that was kissed by Justin before ever being revealed to his/her mommy and daddy.  Our baby.

We are all very excited about another little blessing, and as always I am once amazed at God's timing, grace, and mercy. 

Psalm 139:13-17

13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. 17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!

A Birthday Surprise

Last night Ryan and I were both having a hard time.  Niether of us talked about it, but it was just something that seemed to hang above us.  We knew today would be hard. In fact as I'm typing this we just met our little boy only minutes before this, last year. 

This morning I was prepared to be crying, quiet, and distant all day.  I was not looking forward to spending Justin's Birthday without him. 

Ryan and I have decided not to prevent another pregnancy, but not to plan or try for another baby either. Don't get me wrong though, my arms were feeling awfully empty quite a few times.  We have been off of birth control for quite awhile and I didn't understand how I could have two big surprises, (Riley and Jacob) and yet we were doing nothing to prevent a pregnancy and still were not being surprised.

I took a pregnancy test the other day and it was negative, but it was a pack of two. I was waiting to just hear a still small voice telling me that it was time to take another one again.  Every morning since, I forgot to take the test.  This morning I woke up and for some reason, other than it being Justin's birthday that was first thing that popped in my mind.  Since I still had the second one left I figured we'd just see.  I really figured it would be negative, considering I had just taken one...but it wasn't.

It may be Justin's Birthday but he gave us the best present ever.  Thank you so much sweet baby, and I know you gave this baby a big kiss from his/her older brother.  Thank you sweet Lord Jesus. Thank you, thank you.  Happy Birthday our sweet little Justin!  We love you so much!

So Much

Obviously this weekend  a lot harder, on everyone than we ever expected it to be.  With Justin's birthday party, Mother's Day, and his actual birthday.  Everything just seems to hit hard.  A lot of us, myself included do not handle this stress, or this pain very well. I have to be sorry for things I have done and said, and I need to realize that people don't understand our pain.  And I am thankful that they don't, I am grateful that they didn't have to experience that, I truly am.  And with that, I don't understand their pain either.  I don't understand Ryan's pain, I don't understand a grandparents pain, and sadly focused on myself, I think because I didn't know how to be strong enough for them also.  I felt broken down, defeated.  I didn't know how to handle it. 

I realized the other day, just how often I push back some of those feelings because they are too hard to deal with at times.  My sister and I started talking about the day that Justin passed away.  All of a sudden I felt sick to my stomach, my throat felt swollen, my chest was tight.  I didn't want to talk about it, and realized I have not talked about it, especially in detail, since it happened.  I have written "that dreadful day" in Justin's Jesus, but I don't talk about it, I don't like to, and I didn't know how to react to that.  I changed the subject of course, but it just stayed in the back of my mind.  I couldn't get the feelings to go away, or get myself to think of anything else.  I felt helpless and lost.  Because I couldn't do anything about it, because I was dumb enough to let myself go back there, I was angry; at myself.  That anger wouldn't leave.  I was angry that I was reacting that way, I was angry that I couldn't do anything about.  I was angry that I thought it wouldn't hit me that way, and I was angry that we even had to experience that day.  I was just angry at everything.  Because I couldn't get over this, I was miserable and wasn't good for anyone.  If you are happy you spread cheer, if you are angry you spread hurt.  I did that. I was already very fragile, and on the verge of a breakdown anyway, the smallest thing, would and did set me off.  Don't get me wrong there were big things too, but I have to keep in mind that those people are going through this all too, and I don't know their hearts or their pain.  I probably should have just locked myself in my room, and prayed, and prayed, and prayed.  I know that the Lord will carry us through the next few days, I just need to allow Him to do what He does, and don't doubt His power....oh and keep my mouth shut.  Yeah something I am, have, and will always struggle with....obviously. I'm still learning...quite a few things.



So please bear with me on this.  Especially the next few days.  I am over my anger, thank goodness, because that just eats away at me.  It makes me miserable, good for no one, and makes everyone else miserable, and then I can't be there for anyone else either.  Please, if you would, say a small prayer for our family tonight, as all of this is just sooo much, too much for us to do alone, and we know the power of prayer is amazing and that the Lord will hold us all up.  Thank you all for the support and prayers.  And thank you also to those of you that helped celebrate Justin's Birthday, either with us, or on your own.  And to all our mommy reader's I hope you had a VERY BLESSED MOTHER'S DAY! 

Planning a "Party"

Justin's first birthday is just around the corner...6 days and counting; and we wanted to do something for his birthday.  We didn't want it to just get swept under the rug, or not acknowledged because he isn't able to celebrate with us.  We didn't want it to be a day filled with sorrow and mourning.  It's his birthday, it is a day to celebrate his life, a day to celebrate the first time we met him, held him, snuggled him; the very first day that God placed him in our arms. It was a joyous day, the very first time we got to see our beautiful, perfect little boy.  We were not worried about SIDS that day, we were not worried about waking up to find our baby lifeless, we were not worried.  There was nothing about the day that was anything less than joyful; (other than throwing up because of the pain meds the first time I was able to stand up and see him in the "special" nursery) :) He did have to go to the "special" nursery, but being 5 weeks early that was kind of to be expected, but either way it was a very joyous occasion, and that's what we want it to remain. 

We want to think back on the day of his birth, with pride and joy, not with sorrow and heartbreak.  If Justin was still physically with us we would have been planning a big first birthday party, so we decided to do the same anyway; he will just be looking down from Heaven, instead of smashing his face into a cake :)

This morning I was getting frustrated, ready to give up on the party, nothing is going as "planned".  I get like this for EVERY birthday party, this really is nothing new.  I am not a very good planner, and especially when our families are so far away it is sometimes hard to accomodate to everyones schedules and their own busy lives, generally we end up leaving a few people out, unintentionally of course.  We just both have rather large families, with lots of kids and it's hard to keep up. I was starting to feel like I was in over my head, too many people got too busy, (I'm not complaining it is very understandable, life gets busy whether we want it to or not), I don't have everything planned out the way I wanted it to, (my own fault, time got away from me). IT started to feel like it was more work than it was worth.  should I really be planning a party for a baby that isn't here?  Should we really take all this on? And for what? Once again, this really is nothing new, different thought process of course, but either way, even with Riley and Jacob's parties, I still get stressed out and frustrated, and come to the same way of thinking that parties are just too stressful! They always end up working themselves out, the boys have a great time, and everyone leaves happy, (I hope).

I'm sure this party will be the same, and once I calmed down, and got back to my non-stressed mind set; I still do want to do the party.  I would regret it if I didn't. We are going to try to keep it simple...it's a first birthday party, shouldn't be too complicated anyway. :)  We will all have fun, release balloons in honor of his birthday, and just have friends and family together to remember the sweet little baby we welcomed into our family, and into this world, even if it was for a short 89 days, we will celebrate the very first of those blessed 89 days we had him with us.  

All in God's Time

I am so amazed by our God, His love, His plan, and His timing daily; daily He amazes me! I fully believe that God revealed things to me on His time and His alone.  He knew that I would not be able to handle this information, even just a few months ago, and He kept it from me, because He knows my heart.  He also knew that once I was strong enough, had that unshakable peace that only He can provide, and trusted in His plan enough to not allow this to hinder my faith, that that is when I would be ready to handle things like this.  I am not saying that getting Justin vaccinated is what caused his passing, however I believe with all my heart that it played a major role in his short little life.

With that being said.  I am not questioning God on why this happened; nor am I questioning myself or my parenting as to why I didn't know this information before.  I trust him! I believe in His plan, and I know that all of this has been according to it.  I am not beating myself up over vaccinating Justin, or the other boys, I am just so thankful that He has allowed me to learn from this.  Through this information and God's timing of when I would receive it, we will be making quite a few positive changes in our lives, that we really need to make in order for our kids to have the healthiest life possible; starting with not just "following" along with what we are told to do, as far as worldly concerns go.  Meaning that I am not just going to allow my children to be injected with things that I have not first read about, learned about, and know the facts of.  I will not just follow the pack and do what we are supposed to do.  I will do what is in the best interest of my children, my family, and with a lot of prayers and trust in God, I know that He will guide me to make the right choices. 

Not only was I not looking for answers when I stumbled across the vaccination/SIDS correlation information, I wasn't expecting them.  I was, and am, at peace with what God has planned for all of us, and I believe because God knew that I would trust Him, no matter what, and because I was still, He revealed this to us at the right time. Along with not injecting our children with toxic chemicals we are also looking into things we subject them to everyday.  I know that some of you are going to think I am being extreme, and that is okay; it is something we need to do for us.  We needed a change of lifestyle anyway and this brought us to it.  We really did need to start eating healthier, and we knew that, but never really had the motivation to get the ball rolling on it, until now.  We also started looking to things we use every day such as toothpaste, cleaners, and other household items, and realized we really don't know what we are using everyday.  I am not saying that every child who uses fluoride toothpaste is going to get brain damage, or get Alzhiemers later in life.  I am not saying that at all, but with my grandma having dementia, I am not willing to add extra factors into it that could increase the risk.  We are starting to do things, use things, that are a little more "old-fashioned" a lot of the stuff we are looking into is not just healthier, but cheaper as well, and with the economy in the state it is in, we could all go for something a little cheaper.  So we will be making our own laundry soap, (this we were planning on doing anyway due to the cost benefit), we also will not use fluoride, (thankfully we were already using fluoride free water), now we are just adjusting our toothpaste.  We are planning on growing a small garden so that we are eating fruits and vegetables that don't have the pesticides that are put on larger farm products.  We are just taking baby steps, right now.  Just to live healthier.  On a more extreme matter, we have decided we will NOT vaccinate anyone in this house ever again, especially with Dtap, and with that I really do encourage all of you parents out there to do your own research on these vaccinations, and make your own educated decision on what is best for your children.  I am blessed with the fact that, if need be I can homeschool my children, and also if we have more children, since I am home they aren't exposed to as many germs and viruses as they would be around children in daycare.  I understand that not everyone has that option, or enjoy their job outside of the home, and that is okay too, and something that would definitely be a factor in the decision making process; but either way, please read up on some of this so that you feel good about your decision either way.  Don't just follow the crowd.  We took our kids in, not even thinking about it, it was just their "two month shots" "four month shots" etc. never once thinking twice about what was in those shots, or the fact that the number of shots has over tripled in the last two decades.  So please, just take a little time to look into it before you take your children to get "their shots".

Psalm 46:10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”
Ecclesiastes 3:11 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven
Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end.
Ecclesiastes 8:6 For there is a proper time and procedure for every matter, though a man's misery weighs heavily upon him.
Romans 11:33Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out!