Little Blessings

When we found our we were pregnant with Justin we decided to not to let everyone know for a few months.  Looking back on it now, I wish we would have shouted it from the rooftops as soon as we found out.  I'm not sure why we didn't tell people right away, although I think it was just being worried about what people would think.  Here we were trying to start fresh right after graduating college, moving into a new home, with only one income, no teaching jobs in sight, and on top of other things we decided to have another child.  I could only imagine what people were thinking.  I'm not sure why it bothered me, but it did, so we kept it a "secret," well as long as we could anyway, it's not something you can hide for long. 

That is why with this baby we decided to tell people right away, I left balloons on Ryan's truck with a note and the test, he came home from lunch, he called his people, I called mine, :) and then we told the world via facebook and the blog. :)  All in all it took about 3 hours for EVERYONE to know.

 We are excited, just as we were excited when we found out we were pregnant with Justin; and we were going to shout it from the rooftops this time.  There may be some people out there that think it is too soon for us to have another baby, or that we are trying to fill the void of losing Justin by having another one, or just that we are being completely ridiculous in ever having another considering the circumstances that happened last time.  It's okay that people think that, I won't lie, when we were thinking about taking no preventative measures as far as getting pregnant, a few times those same thoughts crept into my mind.

 I just pushed them away, prayed, and prayed, and prayed, and put my trust in God's timing.  If He wanted us to have another baby we would in His time.  Don't get me wrong.  There were a few times, I would break down, trying to get people to understand how empty my arms felt.  Empty arms is worse than baby fever! I'm not even sure how to explain it. 

There is no way anything, even a new baby, could fill the void that was left after Justin's passing.  Justin has his own little space in our hearts, his own memories, his own smell, his own way.  Justin was, and will always be, a one of a kind baby that we were blessed with, even for only a short time.  But with that being said, sometimes it feels like he was physically stolen from my arms, and at those times, I just want to hold a baby, our baby.  Does that make sense? 

I know I will not be able to hold Justin again until God calls me home.  This baby is not Justin.  We are not filling Justin's spot with another baby. But to be honest, I cannot wait to feel the weight of baby in my arms again, a baby God made in the "secret place" just for us, a baby that was kissed by Justin before ever being revealed to his/her mommy and daddy.  Our baby.

We are all very excited about another little blessing, and as always I am once amazed at God's timing, grace, and mercy. 

Psalm 139:13-17

13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. 17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!

A Birthday Surprise

Last night Ryan and I were both having a hard time.  Niether of us talked about it, but it was just something that seemed to hang above us.  We knew today would be hard. In fact as I'm typing this we just met our little boy only minutes before this, last year. 

This morning I was prepared to be crying, quiet, and distant all day.  I was not looking forward to spending Justin's Birthday without him. 

Ryan and I have decided not to prevent another pregnancy, but not to plan or try for another baby either. Don't get me wrong though, my arms were feeling awfully empty quite a few times.  We have been off of birth control for quite awhile and I didn't understand how I could have two big surprises, (Riley and Jacob) and yet we were doing nothing to prevent a pregnancy and still were not being surprised.

I took a pregnancy test the other day and it was negative, but it was a pack of two. I was waiting to just hear a still small voice telling me that it was time to take another one again.  Every morning since, I forgot to take the test.  This morning I woke up and for some reason, other than it being Justin's birthday that was first thing that popped in my mind.  Since I still had the second one left I figured we'd just see.  I really figured it would be negative, considering I had just taken one...but it wasn't.

It may be Justin's Birthday but he gave us the best present ever.  Thank you so much sweet baby, and I know you gave this baby a big kiss from his/her older brother.  Thank you sweet Lord Jesus. Thank you, thank you.  Happy Birthday our sweet little Justin!  We love you so much!

So Much

Obviously this weekend  a lot harder, on everyone than we ever expected it to be.  With Justin's birthday party, Mother's Day, and his actual birthday.  Everything just seems to hit hard.  A lot of us, myself included do not handle this stress, or this pain very well. I have to be sorry for things I have done and said, and I need to realize that people don't understand our pain.  And I am thankful that they don't, I am grateful that they didn't have to experience that, I truly am.  And with that, I don't understand their pain either.  I don't understand Ryan's pain, I don't understand a grandparents pain, and sadly focused on myself, I think because I didn't know how to be strong enough for them also.  I felt broken down, defeated.  I didn't know how to handle it. 

I realized the other day, just how often I push back some of those feelings because they are too hard to deal with at times.  My sister and I started talking about the day that Justin passed away.  All of a sudden I felt sick to my stomach, my throat felt swollen, my chest was tight.  I didn't want to talk about it, and realized I have not talked about it, especially in detail, since it happened.  I have written "that dreadful day" in Justin's Jesus, but I don't talk about it, I don't like to, and I didn't know how to react to that.  I changed the subject of course, but it just stayed in the back of my mind.  I couldn't get the feelings to go away, or get myself to think of anything else.  I felt helpless and lost.  Because I couldn't do anything about it, because I was dumb enough to let myself go back there, I was angry; at myself.  That anger wouldn't leave.  I was angry that I was reacting that way, I was angry that I couldn't do anything about.  I was angry that I thought it wouldn't hit me that way, and I was angry that we even had to experience that day.  I was just angry at everything.  Because I couldn't get over this, I was miserable and wasn't good for anyone.  If you are happy you spread cheer, if you are angry you spread hurt.  I did that. I was already very fragile, and on the verge of a breakdown anyway, the smallest thing, would and did set me off.  Don't get me wrong there were big things too, but I have to keep in mind that those people are going through this all too, and I don't know their hearts or their pain.  I probably should have just locked myself in my room, and prayed, and prayed, and prayed.  I know that the Lord will carry us through the next few days, I just need to allow Him to do what He does, and don't doubt His power....oh and keep my mouth shut.  Yeah something I am, have, and will always struggle with....obviously. I'm still learning...quite a few things.



So please bear with me on this.  Especially the next few days.  I am over my anger, thank goodness, because that just eats away at me.  It makes me miserable, good for no one, and makes everyone else miserable, and then I can't be there for anyone else either.  Please, if you would, say a small prayer for our family tonight, as all of this is just sooo much, too much for us to do alone, and we know the power of prayer is amazing and that the Lord will hold us all up.  Thank you all for the support and prayers.  And thank you also to those of you that helped celebrate Justin's Birthday, either with us, or on your own.  And to all our mommy reader's I hope you had a VERY BLESSED MOTHER'S DAY! 

Planning a "Party"

Justin's first birthday is just around the corner...6 days and counting; and we wanted to do something for his birthday.  We didn't want it to just get swept under the rug, or not acknowledged because he isn't able to celebrate with us.  We didn't want it to be a day filled with sorrow and mourning.  It's his birthday, it is a day to celebrate his life, a day to celebrate the first time we met him, held him, snuggled him; the very first day that God placed him in our arms. It was a joyous day, the very first time we got to see our beautiful, perfect little boy.  We were not worried about SIDS that day, we were not worried about waking up to find our baby lifeless, we were not worried.  There was nothing about the day that was anything less than joyful; (other than throwing up because of the pain meds the first time I was able to stand up and see him in the "special" nursery) :) He did have to go to the "special" nursery, but being 5 weeks early that was kind of to be expected, but either way it was a very joyous occasion, and that's what we want it to remain. 

We want to think back on the day of his birth, with pride and joy, not with sorrow and heartbreak.  If Justin was still physically with us we would have been planning a big first birthday party, so we decided to do the same anyway; he will just be looking down from Heaven, instead of smashing his face into a cake :)

This morning I was getting frustrated, ready to give up on the party, nothing is going as "planned".  I get like this for EVERY birthday party, this really is nothing new.  I am not a very good planner, and especially when our families are so far away it is sometimes hard to accomodate to everyones schedules and their own busy lives, generally we end up leaving a few people out, unintentionally of course.  We just both have rather large families, with lots of kids and it's hard to keep up. I was starting to feel like I was in over my head, too many people got too busy, (I'm not complaining it is very understandable, life gets busy whether we want it to or not), I don't have everything planned out the way I wanted it to, (my own fault, time got away from me). IT started to feel like it was more work than it was worth.  should I really be planning a party for a baby that isn't here?  Should we really take all this on? And for what? Once again, this really is nothing new, different thought process of course, but either way, even with Riley and Jacob's parties, I still get stressed out and frustrated, and come to the same way of thinking that parties are just too stressful! They always end up working themselves out, the boys have a great time, and everyone leaves happy, (I hope).

I'm sure this party will be the same, and once I calmed down, and got back to my non-stressed mind set; I still do want to do the party.  I would regret it if I didn't. We are going to try to keep it simple...it's a first birthday party, shouldn't be too complicated anyway. :)  We will all have fun, release balloons in honor of his birthday, and just have friends and family together to remember the sweet little baby we welcomed into our family, and into this world, even if it was for a short 89 days, we will celebrate the very first of those blessed 89 days we had him with us.  

All in God's Time

I am so amazed by our God, His love, His plan, and His timing daily; daily He amazes me! I fully believe that God revealed things to me on His time and His alone.  He knew that I would not be able to handle this information, even just a few months ago, and He kept it from me, because He knows my heart.  He also knew that once I was strong enough, had that unshakable peace that only He can provide, and trusted in His plan enough to not allow this to hinder my faith, that that is when I would be ready to handle things like this.  I am not saying that getting Justin vaccinated is what caused his passing, however I believe with all my heart that it played a major role in his short little life.

With that being said.  I am not questioning God on why this happened; nor am I questioning myself or my parenting as to why I didn't know this information before.  I trust him! I believe in His plan, and I know that all of this has been according to it.  I am not beating myself up over vaccinating Justin, or the other boys, I am just so thankful that He has allowed me to learn from this.  Through this information and God's timing of when I would receive it, we will be making quite a few positive changes in our lives, that we really need to make in order for our kids to have the healthiest life possible; starting with not just "following" along with what we are told to do, as far as worldly concerns go.  Meaning that I am not just going to allow my children to be injected with things that I have not first read about, learned about, and know the facts of.  I will not just follow the pack and do what we are supposed to do.  I will do what is in the best interest of my children, my family, and with a lot of prayers and trust in God, I know that He will guide me to make the right choices. 

Not only was I not looking for answers when I stumbled across the vaccination/SIDS correlation information, I wasn't expecting them.  I was, and am, at peace with what God has planned for all of us, and I believe because God knew that I would trust Him, no matter what, and because I was still, He revealed this to us at the right time. Along with not injecting our children with toxic chemicals we are also looking into things we subject them to everyday.  I know that some of you are going to think I am being extreme, and that is okay; it is something we need to do for us.  We needed a change of lifestyle anyway and this brought us to it.  We really did need to start eating healthier, and we knew that, but never really had the motivation to get the ball rolling on it, until now.  We also started looking to things we use every day such as toothpaste, cleaners, and other household items, and realized we really don't know what we are using everyday.  I am not saying that every child who uses fluoride toothpaste is going to get brain damage, or get Alzhiemers later in life.  I am not saying that at all, but with my grandma having dementia, I am not willing to add extra factors into it that could increase the risk.  We are starting to do things, use things, that are a little more "old-fashioned" a lot of the stuff we are looking into is not just healthier, but cheaper as well, and with the economy in the state it is in, we could all go for something a little cheaper.  So we will be making our own laundry soap, (this we were planning on doing anyway due to the cost benefit), we also will not use fluoride, (thankfully we were already using fluoride free water), now we are just adjusting our toothpaste.  We are planning on growing a small garden so that we are eating fruits and vegetables that don't have the pesticides that are put on larger farm products.  We are just taking baby steps, right now.  Just to live healthier.  On a more extreme matter, we have decided we will NOT vaccinate anyone in this house ever again, especially with Dtap, and with that I really do encourage all of you parents out there to do your own research on these vaccinations, and make your own educated decision on what is best for your children.  I am blessed with the fact that, if need be I can homeschool my children, and also if we have more children, since I am home they aren't exposed to as many germs and viruses as they would be around children in daycare.  I understand that not everyone has that option, or enjoy their job outside of the home, and that is okay too, and something that would definitely be a factor in the decision making process; but either way, please read up on some of this so that you feel good about your decision either way.  Don't just follow the crowd.  We took our kids in, not even thinking about it, it was just their "two month shots" "four month shots" etc. never once thinking twice about what was in those shots, or the fact that the number of shots has over tripled in the last two decades.  So please, just take a little time to look into it before you take your children to get "their shots".

Psalm 46:10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”
Ecclesiastes 3:11 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven
Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end.
Ecclesiastes 8:6 For there is a proper time and procedure for every matter, though a man's misery weighs heavily upon him.
Romans 11:33Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out!

SIDS/SUID and Vaccinations

I stumbled across something today...seriously stumbled on it.  I was not looking for answers, and I fully trust in God's timing and plans for each of our lives, including our childrens.  As I was browsing one of my all time favorite sites today (pinterest), I came across a pin about vaccinations.  I have a few friends I know of who have opted out of getting their children vaccinated, but I had never really talked to any of them about their choices and why they made that decision.  I decided I would click on this pin and see what it as all about.  I wasn't ever thinking I would come across so much viable information.  The first site I came to was one of autism, I knew that that was a big factor in a lot of the decision making when it comes to parents deciding on whether or not to vaccinate their children; this I was expecting to come across.  As I read further though, I was directed to another website regarding the effects of vaccinations; this one had to do with SIDS, and the correlation between when most children pass away of SIDS (between 2 and 4 months) and when they receive certain vaccinations, (DPT).  I got to thinking about when Justin got his shots, and realized it was just a while prior.  The DPT vaccination is the one that contains the pertussis vaccination (whooping cough).

Justin was small for his age, being that he was 5 weeks early and had to have a dose of surfactant due to this.  I was a few weeks late on getting Justin his shots, but the night we came home, he had a slight fever, (normal), and then later developed a cough.  The night he developed the cough he passed away.  Up until that night he was a very healthy boy, gaining weight like a champ.  Remember we had just gone to the dr. a couple weeks before, and had no health problems what-so-ever.  This got me curious and I went back to look at Riley and Jacob's baby books, to see if I had written anything in theirs when they got their shots.  Jacob was a few months behind on his shots and didn't get his first DPT until close to 5 months.  My notes in his baby book were, reaction: Fever for two days, I remember that fever, it was awful and we thought about taking him to the hospital for it.  Shortly after that he was placed on nebulizer treatments.  I fully believe that it could have had a worse effect had he gotten his shots on time, seeing as how he was also a nicu baby, who developed respitory distress caused by a very hard, and extended labor.  I had never put two and two together until I started reading up more on this.

Vaccines are full of toxins, arsenic, lead, and mercury being among them.  Here you do everything possible to have a healthy pregnancy, which I did, all of my pregnancies were very healthy; but we try to not consume anything that could be potentially harmful to the baby, this including anything and everything except tylenol and prenatal vitamins, so why is that they get these vaccinations so soon in life, before they ever leave the hospital they are already given a vaccine for Hib, and they are given around 18 vaccinations before they reach a year old! Vaccines have been linked to Autism, ADHD, RSV, and SIDS. 

I am not sure about all this, but I know I will be doing my own research and talking with people who know more about this subject than I do, so that I can make my own educated decision on whether to continue with vaccinations for our older children.  As far as future children go, we will NOT have them be injected with anything within the first year of life for sure, maybe even longer. I encourage all of you with young kids to do your own research before you get your kids vaccinated.  I am not saying it is wrong, I just want our kids to be as healthy as they can. Also, if you are someone who knows a little more about this, please let me know your thoughts and personal decisions as to why you do or not get your children vaccinated.  I would love to hear your thoughts and opinions on all of this as we are doing our own research and making our own decisions.  I think it is definitely something worth looking into and educating ourselves on.  Also if you have a child who passed away due to SIDS/SUID when did they receive their last shots? It might be something to look into.  Once again, I am NOT looking for someone to place blame on, nor am I beating myself up on this.  IT is what it is and I trust God's plan and timing.  I just want to make sure that I am making the best decisions for my children here on out, with both Riley and Jacob, and any other future children we may have. 

Update: April 27, 2012  I talked with the dr. office that administered the vaccinations he was given Hib, IPV, Dtap, PCV, Heb B, and Rota, all of these were given on the same day; July 25, 2011, Justin passed away 2 weeks later. Here is the information I found last night:

 A Close Look at the DPT Vaccine
In case you want to choose to not get one of the vaccines here is further information on the DPT vaccine (diphtheria-pertussis-tetanus toxoid). They found that two-thirds of the babies that died of SIDS had gotten the DPT vaccine. Of these, 6.5% died within 12 hours of vaccination; 13% within 24 hours; 26% within 3 days; 37% within a week; 61% within 2 weeks and 70% within 3 weeks.

DPT and Dtap, are different vaccines, but both prove to have a correlation with SIDS and other serious side effects.  In Japan they started administering the Dtap at 2 years of age, rather than 2 months and the number of infant deaths went down drastically.

Here are a couple sites that explains more on the correlation between SIDS and vaccinations.  http://www.thinktwice.com/sids.htm
http://chuck-bluestein.hubpages.com/hub/Do-Vaccines-Kill-Infants

Gentle Reminders

As we all know...a year is coming up.  Ryan and I both found ourselves being short-tempered, edgy, and just in a "down" type of mood.  I don't think either of us realized what was "causing" this change in us, until someone close to us, told us of her and her husbands experience with their own son's birthday, short life, and heartbreaking passing.  I started looking to others for encouragement, turning less and less to where I needed to actually turn, and I could feel myself putting up the walls around my heart.  By doing this I wouldn't let anything kind out of it, or in it.  I felt my hope escaping and not having the will or desire to look to where I needed to to replenish it.  I messaged my pastor one night, in hopes that there were some "magic words" to get me back on track, some magic scripture, something...anything.  He responded with Psalm 139: 1-18.  This same passage is in Justin's Jesus twice, and when I first read his response, I thought, "this one?  But I know this one!" But went to the Bible anyway and reread the verse I had read so many times before.  Thinking that I knew it like the back of my hand; it was the same one said at Justin's funeral, the same one given to me by my sister, the same one read at his grave, I knew this verse right? It's funny how the Holy Spirit works though.  Even though, yes I knew this verse, it wasn't a "new" one to me, it still seems to take on a whole new meaning each time I read it.  Even though it was one I am so familiar with, it still took on a power of it's own, and it was a nice little gentle reminder, that God knows. He knew before, He knew then, He knows now.  He knew what was going to happen, how He would carry us, how we would feel, and what His peace can do for heartbroken souls and how only in His power can we achieve that supernatural peace.  It was a nice lesson to learn.  Never underestimate the power of His Word, and always allow the Holy Spirit to show you knew meaning to already "known" passages. 

That same week at bible study, Beth Moore, talked about hope and hopelessness; what it is, what it does.  She went on to say that when our soul is sick we are going through a season of hopelessness.  And that hope is encouragement....(wait wasn't that what I was looking for??? An encouraging word...a magic word! Once again, don't I know where to find that hope?) I do and always have known where to find hope, just sometimes it takes a little more effort to allow God to work in you, through you, and just receive what He offers.  I wasn't willing to try to receive, and the walls were becoming larger and harder for me to tear down.  Beth Moore also explained that hope is when you fully expect Jesus to show himself in any and all situations.  I know the peace He provides, I have felt the hope He has given, I have seen what He can do, and felt the power of His love, but some how was still turning away from it without even realizing it.  I was worried about a year coming up, how it would hit us, how we would feel, how we all were going to react for those three months this year.  Those same three months that were great last year...what were they going to bring this year, pain and heartbreak, and I "forgot" to just let go and let God.  I "forgot" that God will take care of us, just like He did then, I "forgot" to just rely on and expect Him to do what only He does...I lost hope and didn't even know it! "We are tossed and tumbled souls, that are anchored by God and everyone of his promises will be kept!"  He will provide when need it, He will be with us from May-August, just as He is with us always.  Thank you Beth Moore for those words of encouragement, for opening my eyes.  Once again another very gentle reminder, that everything will be okay!

That same week, (obviously God knew me..(Psalm 139)....and knew I would need quite a few reminders during this time) a lady knocked on our front door.  We were not expecting company, and we don't have a lot of company. (I am not complaining I get nervous when there is a knock on the door, and look around to see how messy our house is at that particular time, and wonder if I will be embarassed to have this person come in) :) It was a lady from down the street, that I had never met before.  Her very sweet husband brings our dog, Duke, back to us about once a week when the boys leave the gate open and he wanders over to their house to play with their shih-tzu's.  I have met him, he is a very nice man, and talks with Ryan often on his weekly Duke returns.  During one of Ryan's conversations with this man he learned that this man and his wife tragically lost their son in a car accident at the end of last year, and they talked about a father's heartbreak, and Ryan gave him a copy of Justin's Jesus.  His wife had come over to tell me that she had read it and talk about our children in Heaven, God's plan and purpose, keeping things in perspective and just a nice chat.  Thank you Lord once again for those gracious hearts!!

Then....yes like I said I was obviously in desperate need of some God attention, and He provided!! We were at the grocery store, the boys were being CRAZY!!! Riley had already knocked the cart over on himself, Jacob...well....let's just say you can now definitely tell he is living his terrible, horrible, no good, very bad, 3's...and on top of it has that red hair, that we always tell people goes straight to his soul; I also only had 5 things on my list and now had a cart full...I will never understand how that happens! :) Anyways, as I was looking at something, (that was not on my list) I heard someone say, "Are you Mary?" and looked around thinking there must be another Mary in the store. But there wasn't and this woman was talking to me.  She told me she recognized me from seeing Riley and his picture.  She also had read Justin's Jesus and we talked a little bit about her own personal experiences and loss. That was a really cool experience.

Thank you Lord, for all of these gentle reminders.  For healing my "sick" soul, and providing hope to my hopeless soul.  Once again, I am still learning, every day, and I falter often.  I am so thankful for a Lord that "knows" He knows my heart, He knows my needs, and He provides in a way that only He can.    As I was picking Riley up from school today, a song came on the radio, that I feel very fitting for this season in our lives, I know I have heard it many times before, but didn't pay attention to the words until just today. The first verse and chorus say this:

To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
when you said goodbye

And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keeping you back from your life
You believe that there's nothing and there is no one
Who can make it right

Chorus

There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus

Thank you Lord for allowing us to cry out to you in any and all situations and for knowing just the right way to heal our sick souls, pick us up, and get us back on track!  Please remember that He will meet you whereever you are.  That your pain is not too big for Him, and you can never fall off track enough that He can't reach you.  Cry out to Jesus! He will find you, comfort you, and provide you with a hope that surpasses all understanding.  God Bless all of you who are hurting, discouraged, and just need an encouraging word.  May God be with you and place a certain peace in your heart that only He can provide.  He will meet you right where you are, where ever you are. 

Psalm 34:4 I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears

Psalm 139: 1-18 O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
3 You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
4 Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
5 You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.

7 Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
8 If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
9 If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
12 even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.

13 For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.^a
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with you.