Oh no, she's up!!

Last night I had a horrible night of sleep and it was a really odd night all around. For some reason I kept waking up questioning if I had really grasped all that has happened in the past year.  Every time I woke up it was the same thing, "you know he's your son right? Your son passed away!  You know what that is right, how big that is?  You should not be where you are! There is no way you should be able "handle" that!  You should not be able to sleep! You should not be living day to day! Your life was not supposed to just "go on"! Do you not get it? What type of mother are you? Your son passed away!  Your child passed away! He is not with you! He is NOT with you, with his mother, isn't that where a child is supposed to be?!" 

It was like this nagging voice, and then I would fall back to sleep, just to wake up to it again.  Wondering where these thoughts were coming from, why was I waking up out of the blue to them? And then questioning if I really did grasp the reality of this situation, thinking, "you know you're right, my child passed away. I should not be "okay".   I should not be able to live my life day to day, life shouldn't have had the ability to go on. Life should have stopped the day that we knew we were no longer going to have Justin in arms, (and to be honest I wanted it to), how am I "handling" it...isn't that what I expected, wanted almost, before Justin passed away, "if I were to ever lose a child, God better just take me too, I wouldn't be able to go on" aren't those the words I spoke, so why is it that I am here, and not there?  Why did my life "go on", how am I living day to day, and why am I not where I expected to be, did I not understand? Am I in denial?"

I woke up this morning, only vaguely remembering all the times I woke up throughout the night, but even my foggy state last night, I knew what had happened, and thought...

Maybe the devil was just grasping at straws, I don't know, trying to get me at my most vulnerable, and if he hasn't gotten to me the way he wants to when I'm conscience why not while I'm sleeping?  I actually am a little grateful that he has to do that!  That he now has to grasp at straws to get me to feel bad, bitter, or angry, he can't do it when I'm awake, thinking clearly, and know the strength the Lord lends me each day, he had to do it while I wasn't thinking clearly, not even fully awake.

There is saying I have seen a few places that says something to the fact of, "be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor the devil says, 'oh no she's up!'" Maybe I'm becoming that woman!  :)  That's pretty awesome.  I love that I am growing in my faith, and that God protects me from those evil thoughts, and carries me through.  I am not where I expected to be for one reason and one reason only...It wasn't in God's plan.  It wasn't God's plan to take me that day, it isn't time for me to spend eternity with Him and Justin.  I wasn't supposed to stay in bed all day, disregard my husband and other children.  I wasn't supposed to curl up and die, like I thought I would, I wasn't supposed to according to God's plan, so He made sure I didn't.  He made sure I was comforted, carried, and protected, from both the devil and my own emotions.  God provided in a way that no one else, and nothing else ever could.  I am not in denial, I am in God's hands.  So thank you Lord, for making me the woman that is starting to scare the devil with my faith, my love for you, and our testimony. I'm sure he doesn't like Justin's Jesus being out there, but that's too bad, thank you Lord for where you are taking us and continuing to protect and provide for us. And thank you most of all for not only comforting us but allowing our story to comfort others. 

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

New International Version (NIV)

Praise to the God of All Comfort

³ Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.