Hannah is one of the most beautiful little girls I have ever laid eyes on. She truly is a blessing; so sweet, so perfect, so sent from above. She is ever mother's dream. She is bright eyed, she is adorable, she is happy. She is ten weeks old, she smiles and coos, and makes every day bright! She really is everything I have ever hoped for; BUT with that I have to be absolutely honest. It is TERRIFYING to have another baby after having a baby accepted into heaven so prematurely for my liking. Hannah has slept through the night. In fact last night, she slept for 6 1/2 hours. Me on the other hand, slept for an hour at a time when I finally decided to just wake her up at 5:40AM. Every hour I was awake, I was touching her making sure she was breathing. I am consumed with fear. I hate to admit that especially outloud. I feel as though I might jinx myself. In Justin's Jesus I professed that I had quite frequently told people, "If God were to take one of my children He might as well take me too," If I said that then and laid my fears out for everyone (including the devil to know/hear), what makes this worry any different? Does the devil hear my fears also? If I say them outloud does that make me more susceptible? Does that mean that when I voice my fears the devil hears them and acts on them? I don't know. That's why I pray silently about my fears and worries. However, I have come to the point in my life, and in Hannah's, that I realize I just cannot be that overcome. I don't sleep, I over think, I make myself sick with worry; and it does no good for anybody. I try to give up my fears, but like I have said before that is easier said than done.
I am working on it. I am so very very thankful for this new little blessing; and I ADORE AND CHERISH every moment I have with this beautiful little girl. She is amazing!!!!
On to the next part....
Heaven's new blessing. My grandmother had been suffering from dementia for the last 3 years. We were planning on going down to see her to get a four generation picture; then life got in the way. You know how it goes, especially in the winter; cold and flu season hits, you have newborn, your other kids are sick, the weather is awful, or you have family drama in the meantime. Excuses, excuses. We had finally set up a time to get down there; this weekend in fact, then I got a call: Granmda had fallen, (one week before our planned visit), she had broken her hip in 3 places, we might want to get down, as she was scheduled for surgery the next day and her 89 lb body just might not be able to take on that trauma. We left after Ryan got home from work the night she fell. We made it to Missouri at 1:30AM and decided it best not to just drive on to the hospital because grandma was already asleep. We found out later her surgery was scheduled for 7:30 the next morning. We got a call, said she made it through surgery just fine, but they just weren't sure she was going to be able to handle it, and she had about 15 minutes once they took out her oxygen source, and seeing as how we were still an hour and a half from the hospital, we might as well not come. We were not going to get our picture, and grandma would never be able to meet her newest great granddaughter. My little sister and I decided we were going to try anyway. She wasn't quite "gone" yet and we would drive as far as we could until we got the call. We later got a call saying that "grandma was holding on longer than they thought we should try to make it" of course we were already planning on that and Hannah was in her carseat ready to go. We got in the car, got gas, and went on our way; a little too distraught and too much in a hurry; we got on the interstate; my sister, my daughter, and myself. I was driving. I went to go pass a car; my mind on too many other things, and I didn't see a car in my blindspot. I got scared, over corrected, and swerved....ALL OVER THE INTERSTATE! We finally came to a stop, in the ditch, facing on coming traffic, with the driver in a panic. I about killed my daughter, my sister, and myself. One thing different, if there had been a car behind us, a semi beside us, a deeper ditch; or a revean, we would have been gone; but we weren't. My little sister, the whole 125 lbs that she is, pushed us out, drove us out, and within 5 minutes we were back on our way. We sure had some pretty amazing angels watching over us that day. Grandma sent them I'm sure. We made it to the hospital, me a little more frantic than I was when we left; and Grandma was able to hold Hannah exactly 30 minutes before she took her last breath. Heaven sure received their own little blessing that day.