I don't generally blame myself for what happened to Justin, but last night all I could think of were the "what ifs" what if I HAD done my research before hand, what if I hadn't taken him to the doctor that day and held him while the nurses jabbed a bunch of needles into him at the same time so "it wouldn't hurt as bad." What if I had listened to Riley when he told the doctor that the reason Justin wouldn't smile at him was because "he doesn't like you." I know that that is not a healthy way of thinking, but sometimes it just sneaks up on you. I watched a VERY informative movie last night, that I encourage EVERYONE to watch! It is called the Greater Good.
I know it was all part of God's plan, and I KNOW I have a healthy, happy, poison free daughter because of all of this.
I don't mean to question His plan, and I don't think I am, more so I was questioning my own parenting. Sometimes, like most parents, I wish there was a Guide to Parenting Handbook; you know one that tells you what to do, including:
When you get a puppy make sure your 3 year old knows that the washing machine ISN'T for cleaning dirty puppies.
That plastic screwdrivers can and do cut through screens on windows and toddlers can and will climb out on the roof if left alone to clean their rooms for 15 minutes.
Make sure you research anything and everything you inject into an infant or child.
Just to name a few.
I know that some of my friends think that I am pushy about vaccines, and I don't mean to be. I really, really, just don't want to see another parent go through what we have. I don't want another parent to go to bed with a heavy heart reliving the day they took their baby to the doctor, the day their child wouldn't stop screaming, the last time they got to snuggle with their baby, or the morning they found their child had gone to Heaven.
I have realized that between May and August I struggle a LOT more than I think. One night while laying in bed, for the 4th night in a row not able to sleep and waking up every hour, that I in fact am scared of the dark. I am not scared of the monster under my bed or the boogie man in my closet, I'm not scared of ghosts or things that go bump in the night; I am scared of nighttime itself. What happens when I'm not awake, what happens in the still of the night, what happens when I let my guard down for a minute; because one night, I did just that; and one night something awful happened. And because of that one night, our world changed forever; we changed forever. I don't think a day goes by that I don't think about that awful morning, or the snuggles the night before.
So all you parents out there, please don't think I am being pushy; please, please, don't have an awful morning due to lack of knowledge.
I found this song today after looking through some of the old comments, thank you Jamie for this!!! Here are the lyrics:
What is it like to sleep on the chest of the King of Heaven and Earth?
When you open your eyes and look on the face of the giver of life, the author of grace... Do you know?
That your days here changed everything. You're missed here and will always be. But you left here, the greatest gift of all. Cause our hearts ache for home...
What is it like to breathe in and breath out, Heavens glorious life? What is it like to be robed in perfection, no reason to cry?
When you feel on your face your fathers kiss, His welcome embrace we prayed for this.
You should know...
That your days here changed everything.
Your missed here and will always be
But you left here. The greatest gift of all.
Cause our hearts ache for home...
So twinkle twinkle little star
We will keep you in our hearts
Twinkle twinkle little star
we will meet you where you are...
Your days here changed everything. Your missed here and will always be.
But you left here... The greatest gift of all...
Cause our hearts ache....