Justin Ryker Swick

Justin Ryker Swick

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Mommy's letter to Justin

I am in the process of getting Justin's Jesus ready to submit to the publisher, although there is a lot left to be done!  One of the things I want to add in Justin's Jesus is letters from his family and friends.  If anyone would like to write about Justin, a letter to him, or how Justin's Jesus has touched you, please let me know before I send it to the publisher, I will be sure to add it.  I have been dealing lately with being angry, and I'm not sure what about.  Generally when I see a baby and I am happy, I am happy for the babies parents that they get that baby, that I am able to see them, and even sometimes I get the privilage of holding one.  The past couple of days, my arms feel empty, and it is such a heart breaking feeling, that a lot of times, if I let it, turns into bitterness.  I do sometimes think, "you know there are a lot of families out there with multiple kids, living in proverty, in horrible situations, and, Lord, why not save one of those children from living a life of proverty on the streets, than to take mine?  Horrible, I know.  I try to think, "why not me", when these thoughts pop into my head, but sometimes I do let human nature take over and I start to feel sorry for myself.  I am sorry, Lord, I know your plan is better and bigger than mine, I know I should be happy Justin is with you, (Riley tells me everytime he sees me crying about missing Justin), and I am, I know Justin is happy, healthy, and will never feel heartache or pain, but I am still living among human flesh Lord, and I still do, this heartache and this pain is very real.

Here is my letter to Justin, in Justin's Jesus

A Letter to Justin:

From Mommy:


There are so many things I want to say to you.  I never thought I would have to write them in a book, though, I just always thought I would always be able to tell you.  As much as I worried that this would happen, once it did, I was at a loss as to what to do next.  You are and always have been so precious to me.  I think about you, everyday, as if you were here.  I wonder what I would put you in to wear that day, if your hair would always be baby soft, if I could cover you in baby lotion forever, just so you would smell the way you did when we first brought you home.  I snuggle with your blanket, I rub it across my face, the same way you liked to fall asleep, and it still smells like you.  I miss you so much, I can’t even begin to put it into words.  I know you are happy in Heaven, and you are in the care of so many amazing people, but I’ve got to say, sometimes I still wish you were in my care.  My arms feel empty without you in them.  I see a baby in church, or at the store, and my heart breaks for me, and yet I am so happy for their mommy’s and daddy’s that are still able to hold their babies.  I hate so many things about you being gone, I hate that my arms are empty, I hate this hole in my heart, I hate not being able to watch you grow up, or feel your hugs, your kisses, or  hearing you say, “I love you, Mommy”.  There are so many things I want to see you do, hear you say, and be proud of you for, but I want you to know that, little one, I am so proud of you! I am so proud to be your mommy, and there are so many things I am glad about also! I am so glad I got the chance to feel you in my arms, to hear you giggle in your sleep, to see your smile, to smell your hair, touch your skin, and watch you roll over.  I don’t remember the sound of your cry, and that’s okay because you don’t cry in Heaven. I am so thankful to have a baby in Heaven, I am so glad you will not feel any pain, that you live among rainbows and light, that you are always happy, and what better place to live than among Jesus and his angels.  I miss you, Justin, and I always will, but I have peace in my heart knowing that Jesus is keeping you safe in his arms until I can see you again.  Please watch over your brothers, as sometimes they get into more mischief than even I can handle.  I love you so much.  I still buy things for you, we talk about you every day, and you are in all of our prayers every night.  Please ask Jesus to keep your soft baby hair so that I can rub my face against it when I get the chance to see you again.  If mommy and daddy ever have another child, please know that we are not replacing you, you could never be replaced!  You are amazing and wonderful to us, you always have been and always will be, and please give that new baby kisses from you, I find comfort in knowing that you will be with your brother or sister before we ever get to know them.  There are so many people that love and adore you, and I cannot even imagine how many lives you have touched, you really have been a work of God and again, I am so proud of you!   I love you, sweet baby, and I will see you again, at the feet of Jesus, in a world without sin.    

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