Justin Ryker Swick

Justin Ryker Swick

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Little Blessings

When we found our we were pregnant with Justin we decided to not to let everyone know for a few months.  Looking back on it now, I wish we would have shouted it from the rooftops as soon as we found out.  I'm not sure why we didn't tell people right away, although I think it was just being worried about what people would think.  Here we were trying to start fresh right after graduating college, moving into a new home, with only one income, no teaching jobs in sight, and on top of other things we decided to have another child.  I could only imagine what people were thinking.  I'm not sure why it bothered me, but it did, so we kept it a "secret," well as long as we could anyway, it's not something you can hide for long. 

That is why with this baby we decided to tell people right away, I left balloons on Ryan's truck with a note and the test, he came home from lunch, he called his people, I called mine, :) and then we told the world via facebook and the blog. :)  All in all it took about 3 hours for EVERYONE to know.

 We are excited, just as we were excited when we found out we were pregnant with Justin; and we were going to shout it from the rooftops this time.  There may be some people out there that think it is too soon for us to have another baby, or that we are trying to fill the void of losing Justin by having another one, or just that we are being completely ridiculous in ever having another considering the circumstances that happened last time.  It's okay that people think that, I won't lie, when we were thinking about taking no preventative measures as far as getting pregnant, a few times those same thoughts crept into my mind.

 I just pushed them away, prayed, and prayed, and prayed, and put my trust in God's timing.  If He wanted us to have another baby we would in His time.  Don't get me wrong.  There were a few times, I would break down, trying to get people to understand how empty my arms felt.  Empty arms is worse than baby fever! I'm not even sure how to explain it. 

There is no way anything, even a new baby, could fill the void that was left after Justin's passing.  Justin has his own little space in our hearts, his own memories, his own smell, his own way.  Justin was, and will always be, a one of a kind baby that we were blessed with, even for only a short time.  But with that being said, sometimes it feels like he was physically stolen from my arms, and at those times, I just want to hold a baby, our baby.  Does that make sense? 

I know I will not be able to hold Justin again until God calls me home.  This baby is not Justin.  We are not filling Justin's spot with another baby. But to be honest, I cannot wait to feel the weight of baby in my arms again, a baby God made in the "secret place" just for us, a baby that was kissed by Justin before ever being revealed to his/her mommy and daddy.  Our baby.

We are all very excited about another little blessing, and as always I am once amazed at God's timing, grace, and mercy. 

Psalm 139:13-17

13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. 17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!

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