Justin Ryker Swick

Justin Ryker Swick

Sunday, May 13, 2012

So Much

Obviously this weekend  a lot harder, on everyone than we ever expected it to be.  With Justin's birthday party, Mother's Day, and his actual birthday.  Everything just seems to hit hard.  A lot of us, myself included do not handle this stress, or this pain very well. I have to be sorry for things I have done and said, and I need to realize that people don't understand our pain.  And I am thankful that they don't, I am grateful that they didn't have to experience that, I truly am.  And with that, I don't understand their pain either.  I don't understand Ryan's pain, I don't understand a grandparents pain, and sadly focused on myself, I think because I didn't know how to be strong enough for them also.  I felt broken down, defeated.  I didn't know how to handle it. 

I realized the other day, just how often I push back some of those feelings because they are too hard to deal with at times.  My sister and I started talking about the day that Justin passed away.  All of a sudden I felt sick to my stomach, my throat felt swollen, my chest was tight.  I didn't want to talk about it, and realized I have not talked about it, especially in detail, since it happened.  I have written "that dreadful day" in Justin's Jesus, but I don't talk about it, I don't like to, and I didn't know how to react to that.  I changed the subject of course, but it just stayed in the back of my mind.  I couldn't get the feelings to go away, or get myself to think of anything else.  I felt helpless and lost.  Because I couldn't do anything about it, because I was dumb enough to let myself go back there, I was angry; at myself.  That anger wouldn't leave.  I was angry that I was reacting that way, I was angry that I couldn't do anything about.  I was angry that I thought it wouldn't hit me that way, and I was angry that we even had to experience that day.  I was just angry at everything.  Because I couldn't get over this, I was miserable and wasn't good for anyone.  If you are happy you spread cheer, if you are angry you spread hurt.  I did that. I was already very fragile, and on the verge of a breakdown anyway, the smallest thing, would and did set me off.  Don't get me wrong there were big things too, but I have to keep in mind that those people are going through this all too, and I don't know their hearts or their pain.  I probably should have just locked myself in my room, and prayed, and prayed, and prayed.  I know that the Lord will carry us through the next few days, I just need to allow Him to do what He does, and don't doubt His power....oh and keep my mouth shut.  Yeah something I am, have, and will always struggle with....obviously. I'm still learning...quite a few things.

So please bear with me on this.  Especially the next few days.  I am over my anger, thank goodness, because that just eats away at me.  It makes me miserable, good for no one, and makes everyone else miserable, and then I can't be there for anyone else either.  Please, if you would, say a small prayer for our family tonight, as all of this is just sooo much, too much for us to do alone, and we know the power of prayer is amazing and that the Lord will hold us all up.  Thank you all for the support and prayers.  And thank you also to those of you that helped celebrate Justin's Birthday, either with us, or on your own.  And to all our mommy reader's I hope you had a VERY BLESSED MOTHER'S DAY! 

1 comment:

  1. Mary, you have just expressed true emotions, feelings that so many struggle with. Grief is as individual as the person and each will prayerfully walk through their own and not try to hide or suppress it forever. It comes out in unbelieveable, unexpected times, one can not prepare for how the pain will be when that happens. Talking about our loved ones life once lived helps keep us in tune that death is real, which so many people do not want to accept. It is hard to accept reality, then some do not like to be reminded of it, believing, one is to live life like nothing has happened. Death changes the living, and change is not easy, some refuse change no matter how hard it may be. Death gives family members a new role, new title, not of ones choice but His. Each has their own journey, not for others to guess, percieve or understand. Stay faithful to God, love your spouse, your family, friends, and Jesus will see you through until the precious moment you will experience the grandest part of life,
    Death. Resting in Jesus arms for eternity beside your son and other loved ones.