Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Day By Day
Earlier I had said that I wasn't sure where to go next in the blog, today that's kind of how I feel about life. I thought that this blog would be a way to add on to the story Justin's Jesus later, but I'm just not sure that's where I'm supposed to be going with this blog. Maybe it's supposed to be a way to share my feeling on Justin's passing, or maybe it's to help others with feelings similar to mine, either way, this post is not going to be in chronological order of Justin's story but I have been praying about what to write and I think it's more about life and feelings than just trying to ge a story down.
Most days, I am in complete acceptance of Justin's passing. I can generally take it for what it is, which is knowing that God had Justin's days numbered before we even knew there would be a Justin to miss, just as he has all of our days numbered as well. We were beyond blessed to have Justin in our lives, even for a short time, and I am so extremely thankful for those days. I am grateful to be able to hold him, love him, feel his soft hair, and get to see and capture his little smile. Justin will live in our hearts forever, just as he is living in light with Jesus forever. Other days, however, are tough. I try not to get bitter or angry and for the most part I do pretty well with it, sometimes though it is hard to not dwell on what I feel I am missing out on. Sometimes it's hard to remember that my perspective is wrong but God's perspective never is. Today I question where to go from here. Now that I don't have a lot to write in Justin's Jesus, and most of the craziness of his passing is over, and we are settling into a different life without Justin, it's now that it gets hard.
We have gone through all of his clothes, keeping what he's worn in a box to keep and all the clothes he "was" going to wear in other boxes and in storage. I kept out his blankets, his binkie, and a few other things that I want to keep with me daily. I refuse to take down the crib. I know it's probably a sign that I have not accepted his death, and that's not it. I know he's gone, I know he's with Jesus, and at times I can even be joyful that my baby is in the presence of the lord and I am at peace with that, even on the hard days. My feelings about the crib are just that it is something that doesn't have to be done right now. It's not taking up any needed space, it's the last place Justin slept soundly, and it's where Jesus came to him. Eventually I will take it down I'm sure, just not yet.
As far as where I go from here, I'm not sure yet. Today it's one day at a time, and I am thankful I have gotten that far. Right after Justin died we were living minute to minute, hour to hour, at least now we have gotten to day by day.