Tuesday, February 7, 2012
I have noticed that since I wrote the blog 'Real Pain' and acknowledged just what that pain was, I never really fully came back from that pain. I wrote in there that I had to go back and focus on the hope, peace, and joy and I had to do it for me, and I thought, that day, that I had. I thought it would be easy to write about it and then get right back to where I was before. I was wrong, and didn't really realize it until I have gone for a couple weeks struggling with it, not ever coming to the realization that that was what had happened. I just thought I had gone into some sort of funk, that it would just be a day and be over, and it was like I said the next day after I had my meltdown was better, but then again, I refused to actually FOCUS on hope and peace. For some reason, I never went back there, which is weird because how many times have I talked about the fact that in order for me to get through my bad days I need to focus on hope and peace, and the joy I have in my heart, all these amazing gifts God has given me, so why was I all of sudden thinking I could do it on my own? Not that I didn't pray, I did, and once again He got me through everything, but I wasn't focused on him, and his gifts, I'm not sure why, and because I wasn't I started feeling sorry for myself. I didn't understand my own pain, but wanted everyone around me to, which again doesn't make any sense looking back on it now, and not only did I want them to understand it, a lot of times I would actually sink into the bitterness that comes along with self pity where I would start, in a sense, blaming others for my pain. The truth is my pain is not their fault, I know who saves me from pain, but for one reason or another lost sight of where I needed to turn. So I am so sorry for the bitterness that I let reside in my heart even for a moment, I'm sorry for feeling sorry for myself, that was just ridiculous, and I'm sorry for hurting others because I was feeling hurt. I've decided now, no more taking "breaks", now it's time to get back to "normal" so I am going on a facebook hiatus, and I am going to get this house cleaned, I am going to cook supper, I am going to smile, and I will give my family that sense of "normalcy" that they deserve. Life does not stop for my pain, and when I feel sorry for myself, that not only effects my hope and peace, but families as well, and that's not right, or fair to any of us. So I'm making my choice today to put a smile on my face, hold on tight to the joy in my heart, and I will get up this family up and running again, that they have suffered too long from me being selfish, it's time for me to be the best wife I can be to Ryan, and the best mommy to my kids. Today I am focusing on Jesus, I will spend time with him in prayer, in his word, and in my heart. I am going to have a good week, I am going to get back to where I was....starting now!