Wednesday, January 18, 2012
I realized yesterday, once while writing my blog, than later when I was talking to my aunt. That when I write my blogs there are two things I do. While I try to be as real as I can be while writing, I feel that sometimes I don't always put in exactly how I feel at that moment for two reasons. One is that I know there are people out there reading my blogs that also have children in Heaven, and I want to keep that feeling of hope in every blog. While this is not necessarily wrong, sometimes it does hide some of the more negative feelings I feel everyday, and that is not fair to them or to me. I am going to try to write more about ALL of the feelings, not just the feelings of hope, but those of despair too. "Losing" a child is NOT easy, I am NOT "over it", and like I said in my blog posting yesterday, I have to make a conscience decision everyday as to if I am going to have a good day or a bad one. I'll be honest I don't always make the right choice, and I feel as sometimes those are things that I leave out of my blog. I guess I thought I was protecting them and myself from having to face those days, or those feelings, when really all I was doing was not addressing all that happens in this season of my life. While I do focus on hope, peace, and joy, it really is not as easy as sometimes I make it seem.
The second thing I do, is when I write a blog, I write it just as much for me as for anyone else. Just as yesterday I said that we may edit some of the pictures of Justin so that we can change them when we change Riley and Jacob's pictures so that we have "new" pictures of Justin. I hadn't even thought of this until I was writing that blog, and also I was having a hard time while I was writing, that I was trying to convince MYSELF that I was going to have a good day, pretty much telling myself, through my blog what I needed to do to do that. Not that it is the same for everyone, everyones pain is real, and a lot of times very different than other peoples pain. So here is a blog that doesn't just focus on the hope, but also gives a little insight to the despair and heartache we feel each day, and I'll be honest I'm going to have to do a lot of praying after I write this, because when I do face this part of it, especially seeing it written down, and showing my insecurities to the world, it tends to make the day harder, and the joy in everyday harder to find, but I feel that people need to know this side of it also, and once again, I need to do this for me that I can "deal" with it and not just cover it up.
I don't like to "talk" about Justin. While it seems like writing about it comes pretty easy, talking about it is a whole different story. When I write I am looking at a computer screen, I am not looking into the face of the person I am talking to and see the look of pain and sorrow on their face, as they empathize or sympathize with mine. It is hard to talk to someone about it because they do feel that pain, not that they have lost a child themselves, but they may have a child or are close to a child that they couldn't imagine that type of heartbreak. I don't like to talk to people, because when you are face to face, talking about the morning I went upstairs, or the nights I lay in bed wondering where my life would be if this hadn't happened, hoping that I can finally get to sleep and feeling sorry for myself, I can't hide that pain from them. I can't smile through talking about it, I can't hide the tears, or stop them from coming when I "talk" to people. I do ask the questions, sometimes, that I try to push away as soon as they creep into my mind, of why me? Why him? It is painful to hear Riley and Jacob ask if we can have another baby. It is painful to see other babies, Justin's age, happy and healthy and snuggling with their mommies. The pain is real, and it is constant, and I will be honest it is a pain I will have my entire life, but like I said before you can have peace even while in pain. I am still at peace with where Justin is; and knowing that he is happier than he could have EVER been on earth, and while this makes it "easier" to "deal" with, it does not take that pain away. The knots in my stomach are there everyday. Yes we have a "new" normal, but it's not "normal". "Normal" families don't have children in Heaven. "Normal" families have all of their children right there with them. "Normal" families get to watch their children grow up, get to see them learn how to ride a bike, get a car, their first girl/boy friend, they get to see their children walk down aisle and marry the man/woman of their dreams, they get to see them have their own children, and enjoy those children. We dont' have that, and I times I feel cheated! We went to a wedding this summer, and while I didn't expect it, watching the groom dance with his mother, made me bawl. I would never get that with Justin, and that's not "fair!" It's not "fair" that I don't get to see him do all these things that I watch Riley and Jacob doing everyday. Justin would just be starting to crawl right now, and that is heartbreaking for me to think about. That while I sit here and write in HIS blog, I should be chasing after him! I should be keeping him from going up the stairs, I should be calling people about Justin's great accomplishments of the day, and yet I sit here crying writing in a blog?! Doesn't seem to even compare! So please don't judge me for giving into my human mindset for just a minute and say this is not fair, this is not right, this is not where we should be, and this hurts. It hurts to not have him, it hurts to see other babies, it hurts to think about possibly ever having another child, and it hurts not holding him, seeing him, cuddling him. THIS HURTS! AND I HATE IT!
But with that, I am now going to go back to hope and peace, because I need to for me. I get through everyday because I know I will see Justin in Heaven. I get through everyday because as bad as it sounds, life goes on, and I'll be honest there are some mornings that I wonder why it does, but either way I have two other precious little boys that need me to be the best mother I can be, they need me to get out of bed, they need me to be happy, they need me to be strong for them. I am so thankful that God has given me them, that he has blessed me with a wonderful husband, and a great family that I can call up at 2:00 in the morning, because I don't want the people reading my blog to see that part of me, I don't want them to see the breakdowns, and at that time I have to actually "talk" to someone and not just write. Those times I need to call up family and here them say, "it's not easy, it will never be easy, but we're here for you" and just talk to me, sometimes not even about Justin, but just talk that things can fall back into place even for the night so I can get a little sleep. While this pain is so real, hope IS just as real, peace is just as real, and faith....well it's bigger than my pain. My God is bigger than my pain, and he gives me hope, and he gives me peace, and joy. He carries me through this pain everyday, he helps me find my happiness in the morning that I don't have to dwell on the pain all day long, he lends me some of his strength to get through the day because if I had to rely on my own strength (or lack of) I would not be here, so I am so thankful that he is stronger than any and all of this.