Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Just one day
Last week I had my very first actual breakdown. The day was awful for absolutely no reason! It was an ordinary day with no significance what so ever, but it was the worst day I had had since Justin passed away. It didn't make sense to me. Generally something triggers those emotions and I have to make myself realize I have a choice if I want to go with those feelings of despair or if I want to focus on the joy in my life; that day I was never presented with that choice, I woke up and it was bad! I didn't understand it that day what had caused such a bad day, looking back on it now I understand it a little bit more. When you go through something like this, not just "losing" a child, but having any close loved one go to Heaven, it is hard to express yourself. Like I said before it is pretty easy for me to write about it, but to actually "talk" about it, is a completely different story. What makes it additionally harder is that around us, there aren't a lot of people who "understand" and honestly I don't want them to, the only way they could really "understand" is if they went through it too, and I would NOT want that! However, I don't really need anyone to "understand". Because I don't really like to open up about it face to face, I sometimes wish I had one of those people in my life that didn't let me get away with that. Didn't just take, "I'm doing okay" as an answer and let it be. Sometimes it would be nice if someone said, "I know you're not okay, I've seen your facebook posts, I've read what you put in your blog, or I see how you're acting. Let's talk." I am not mad, angry, or hurt that there aren't a lot of people like this in my life, I am NOT one of these people, and the reason is is because we don't know what to say. What happens if they really did open up, what would I say? What would happen if I start crying? Will she feel like it is hurting me to talk about it with her? What do I do if she really does "talk" about it? That's exactly what I would be thinking, but sometimes you just need someone who will give you that little extra push.
Life has been so exciting lately, with all that is happening with Justin's Jesus, that I was almost feeling guilty for being excited, and even proud of it, when the whole reason we have this story is because Justin went to heaven. I started not being able to sleep, and the days were so busy filled with taking care of kids, daycare kids, and pictures, that I think it hit me like a brick wall. I would never wish that feeling on anyone. Thankfully I have an awesome husband who took off half of the day to be with me and my sister came down to stay with me for the rest of the week so that I didn't have to do it all on my own. I really am blessed to have such an amazing family that is there to support me when I can't stand on my own. I was thinking about it the other night: After Justin died, a lot of people would say, "I just don't know what to say," and at that time, niether did I. I have realized now what I would have wanted people to say at that time, and I am blessed that I do have people like this in my life, but if I ever and put in a situation where I have to talk to someone who is going through something like this I would tell them,"I am here for you, no matter what day, no matter what time" and mean it. It is easy to say that the first few days or even the first few weeks and sincerely mean it, but what happens when their breakdowns don't happen until five months later? I almost felt like a burden on people because heartbreak would devour me at ridiculous times and ordinary days. Thankfully, I do have a family that is there even at odd hours and "normal" days, but what about the people who don't? It breaks my heart to think that there are others out there having these same bad days filled with despair, and hopelessness, and have no one they feel they can turn to. I want to make myself be that someone, who will be there to chat, or give a hug, at anytime.
After last week, I decided I was wearing myself a little too thin. I needed a "break", so what did I do....ran to my mommy!!!! :) I have been staying at my parent's house the past few days, and this 'break' wasn't quite what I thought it would be with my grandma (who lives with my parent's) being admitted to the hospital, but either way I think I needed a change of scenery for just a little while anyway. I did take a break from some of Justin's Jesus, just for this week, however even though I haven't been doing much with it, this has probably been the most rewarding week. Now that Justin's Jesus has been out for awhile and people have gotten a chance to read it, I am getting some really amazing feedback, sometimes from people I don't even know. I check Justin's Jesus facebook page yesterday and had two e-mails from two different ladies, from two different states, that I have never even been to! AMAZING!!!! So while I'm taking a break, God isn't, I am being blessed every single day! And even on the days of despair, I am blessed that he is holding me and carrying me through it. Even though that day I wasn't sure I could make it through that day, I did, the next day was better, and the day after that was even better, it was just one day out of my life. I am sure I will have more meltdowns, I think they are inevitable, but that's okay, because they are only a day, the rest of the days I am full of Joy and Peace. So while last week was bad, this week is getting better. Grandma is doing well, and should be able to come home tomorrow. The boys are playing with their cousins, and I don't have to worry about MY house being a mess...just moms!!! :) So once again, I have found the peace, hope, and joy that has never really left me, I just buried it for a day. It was just a day, just one day.