What I am struggling with lately is confidence...I know, I know some of you might laugh at this! Here is this woman who writes EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING she feels in her blogs, and I do, and I am so glad that I am able to do that. Sometimes I make people happy, sometimes it gives them peace, sometimes joy, happiness, or even just a laugh, and then sometimes...it makes them angry. I am proud of being someone who can stand up for things; but with that being said, I realized this week just how insecure I really am. What a horrible thing to be also, strong-willed and insecure???...they just don't seem to go together!
I am always so worried about what other's think about me, ALWAYS; even though I know and feel in my heart what needs to be said, or who I am, or what I am doing is right, or okay, I still just let the devil get in my head in such a way that it is so easy for him to bring me down.
There have been things going on lately, that I know if I would have just listened to Him in the first place, He wouldn't have had to lay down the law later. I could have saved a very cherished friendship, if I would have just taken his "advice" and done what He told me I needed to do a couple of months ago. He gave me plenty of opportune times to do it; yet I didn't listen, so instead He had to take drastic measures. I learned from them, I learned to listen, to spend my days at the "feet of Jesus, the true teacher" (thank you pastor T.J. for those words). But I am so unwilling sometimes to trust what He is telling me to do.
If I had, things would be different, but I didn't; the outcome was still the same, but with more complications. Why do I not just listen in the first place?? I don't know, I still don't know, I still struggle with listening to Him, trusting Him, I know His plan is far better than my own, but I still question it! That is ridiculous. I need to work on that, to save friendships, relationships, and hurtful words, because ultimately when I don't listen to Him, that is what happens, whether it's my words or someone elses, either way they hurt, and cause broken relationships.
I have had some great opportunites come my way in just the past couple of days, but I am scared, fearful, to take that next step, because I am always worried about what people will think, what if I don't live up to their expections, or what if I fail???
I guess the question is who am I really "failing"?? If I listen to the Lord, I am not failing....the time now is to listen...then I will not struggle, like the devil so desperately wants me to do. I'm giving that up tonight. No longer will I struggle with not being confident enough. Sometimes I will not always meet other's expectations, sometimes I won't even meet my own. It's okay. I don't need to struggle anymore all I really need to do is LISTEN!