Justin Ryker Swick

Justin Ryker Swick

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Just LISTEN!!!

I just seem to be struggling with a lot right now.  And the funny thing is, I am the happiest now than I have ever been since Justin passed away.  Life kinda "makes sense" it's a new journey a new "stepping stone", my life has completely changed directions and I am happier now than ever.  All of a sudden I get to focus on my kids, my house, and Justin's legacy, life really is WONDERFUL!! But yet I am still struggling?? It just doesn't make sense...then again, life never does.  When life is great, it could be better, and when life is bad, it couldn't be worse, right?  We are just never just content! At least I'm not!

What I am struggling with lately is confidence...I know, I know some of you might laugh at this!  Here is this woman who writes EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING she feels in her blogs, and I do, and I am so glad that I am able to do that.  Sometimes I make people happy, sometimes it gives them peace, sometimes joy, happiness, or even just a laugh, and then sometimes...it makes them angry.  I am proud of being someone who can stand up for things; but with that being said, I realized this week just how insecure I really am.  What a horrible thing to be also, strong-willed and insecure???...they just don't seem to go together!

 I am always so worried about what other's think about me, ALWAYS; even though I know and feel in my heart what needs to be said, or who I am, or what I am doing is right, or okay, I still just let the devil get in my head in such a way that it is so easy for him to bring me down. 

There have been things going on lately, that I know if I would have just listened to Him in the first place, He wouldn't have had to lay down the law later.  I could have saved a very cherished friendship, if I would have just taken his "advice" and done what He told me I needed to do a couple of months ago. He gave me plenty of opportune times to do it; yet I didn't listen, so instead He had to take drastic measures.  I learned from them, I learned to listen, to spend my days at the "feet of Jesus, the true teacher" (thank you pastor T.J. for those words).  But I am so unwilling sometimes to trust what He is telling me to do. 

If I had, things would be different, but I didn't; the outcome was still the same, but with more complications.  Why do I not just listen in the first place?? I don't know, I still don't know, I still struggle with listening to Him, trusting Him, I know His plan is far better than my own, but I still question it!  That is ridiculous.  I need to work on that, to save friendships, relationships, and hurtful words, because ultimately when I don't listen to Him, that is what happens, whether it's my words or someone elses, either way they hurt, and cause broken relationships. 

I have had some great opportunites come my way in just the past couple of days, but I am scared, fearful, to take that next step, because I am always worried about what people will think, what if I don't live up to their expections, or what if I fail???

  I guess the question is who am I really "failing"?? If I listen to the Lord, I am not failing....the time now is to listen...then I will not struggle, like the devil so desperately wants me to do.  I'm giving that up tonight.  No longer will I struggle with not being confident enough.  Sometimes I will not always meet other's expectations, sometimes I won't even meet my own.  It's okay.  I  don't need to struggle anymore all I really need to do is LISTEN!

No comments:

Post a Comment